My (29) husband (34) of 8 years told me to kill myself if I cannot handle our kids. (How) can I forgive him?

Let me begin this post by saying that we are all on edge. We all have Covid, we are all sick and overwhelmed.

I got it first and am now recovering, though I'm not yet completely through it. I have to work from home and have already taken my maximum medical leave of 2 weeks. I have been staying out of the family house for about 10 days to avoid infecting others. Now end of last week my husband and other family house got sick as well so I came back, because there is no point in isolating anymore. Obviously the kids have been missing me and were clinging to me, basically pulling me around the house. They are also super stressed since they are confined to the house and cant even go out to the garden (shared with neighbors) and generally difficult to handle as the elder is autistic and doesn't understand Covid and why we should separate from other people. She's also still in nappies and likes smearing poop around :-D. Mainly the kiddos keep picking fights all the time because they are bored and generally at least one of them is crying/wailing most of the time. So really we are all on edge and none of us currently has the energy to handle the kids well.

Yesterday my husband actually was the one getting up early and letting me sleep in a bit, making breakfast and cleaning a little bit the house. He then mentioned that we should bring back a chores rotor (we have roommates, they also have Covid) because our house looks like a pigsty. We got in a little bit of an argument after, because I told him that right now I couldn't handle any cleaning, that childcare and work from home was taking everything I had and I'd just accept the house being dirty for a couple weeks unless he or roommates wanted to clean it. We just left it at that and decided to discuss it further another time, but I think it set the precedence for what followed later.

Later that day, hubby was resting and I was trying to get some urgent work done with the kids screaming around me and pulling on me and trying to reach my laptop and my boss relentlessly calling me about my failure to deliver in time. Now I didn't want to disturb hubby because I knew he was also sick, but I really handled the situation very poorly. After a few failed attempts of getting the kids busy and after being too late to break up yet another fight resulting in both kids beating each other up and end up wailing on the floor, instead of comforting them or ignoring them I shouted at them to behave and then just joined in on them crying (I have a history of crying when I'm overwhelmed or angry).

Now hubby walked in on that scene and asked me why I'm crying and I told him that I'm just overwhelmed with the whole situation. He got kinda mad telling me that I need to call him when I need help instead of getting so worked up (very true), that also I just came back from quarantine and the kids have been missing me and he has been with them for the whole, so I shouldn't be complaining about them. For some reason I mentioned that I cannot handle this and that I couldn't handle the kids and work and much less cleaning (referring to the discussion this morning, yes I know it was stupid to bring it back) and I wish I was back in isolation. Now he got really angry and shouted at me that he hates seeing me cry, that if i want to cry I should hide so he doesn't have to see it, that noone in the house respects him and that if I couldn't handle my own kids I should just leave or kill myself.

I just said that's enough and I think he realized it as well that he crossed a line, because he stopped shouting at me, took one of the girls and left the house, allowing me to finish up the work. I'm just glad the girls are probably too young to understand or remember what happened.

Still I can't forget what he said? How can you tell someone you love to kill themselves? He didn't apologize ( I didn't apologize either, except to the kids). I did mention it later when everything had calmed down and asked him whether he really thinks I should die, but he just shrugged it off saying he just said that because he was angry, like it was no big deal. I didn't bring it up again afterwards but to me it's not really something I can forgive and forget.

How can I bring it up with him to make him understand how hurtful it was?

How can I forgive him? Should I even forgive him? I'm honestly thinking about leaving right now, though it seems ridiculous to leave over something blurted out in anger.

Seriously reddit, what just happened?

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tl,dr: My husband of 10 years told me to kill myself if I cannot handle our kids in an argument. I can't get it out of my mind. (How) can I forgive him?

Submitted June 28, 2021 at 06:12AM by No_Assistant2804 https://ift.tt/3qvSNtr