Married for two and a half years. Together for eight. No kids. A lovely dog (5 years).
Whilst we both still care for each other, we have been growing more distant over the past few years, and I have considered calling it quits many times over the course of our relationship. Fights don't seem to get any real closure for me, and for a very relaxed person, I often find myself frustrated and losing my cool at my wife. Simmering on the inside over small things, because talking about it leads to bigger fights and arguments.
We try to honest with each other, and last week after a fight where I blew up over nothing, we discussed it. The actual fight was - I was still at work (WFH) and she had finished. My dad was in the garden and has been helping me with a big DIY project. I was later than planned so knew he was waiting to for me join him. My wife wanted to tidy the house, and I said I would after I helped my dad. She said she didn't want to do it all, and I said I wasn't expecting her to, just do what she felt was half and I'll do the rest when I finish. She was insisting I tidy now, whilst my dad is outside waiting for me. I tried to calmly explain I was still working, then going to work in the garden, then tidy up after, then cook her tea, then walk the dog. I was already stressed with work, and was doing the DIY project for her really. (She wants to move if we don't improve the house). The argument got more and more intense all whilst I'm still on the clock, and we were making zero progress on compromise (including me doing it all). I ended up getting angry and slammed my mouse down over and over like an idiot. I apologised immediately. I used to have anger issues as a child, but never as an adult. Broke my mouse. Felt like an utter moron.
Later after we both had a guilty tidy up separately to each other, we talked about it. I decided to come clean with how I'd been feeling and bottling up. How I was worried if we didn't fix our issues, we wouldn't last. She agreed. We have three key issues. (I have another, but I'm not sure if it's just my opinion and exaggerated by the others)
- Dead bedroom. Despite a very healthy and fulfilling sex life at the start of our relationship, things have fizzled out. Probably around the last 3 years. We tried sex therapy but it just made the issue worse. My wife doesn't like to talk about it. We try to resolve it, but neither of us know what the issue is. Or at least, she says she doesn't know. I feel like she isn't telling me the complete truth and may be sparing my feelings in some way, but honestly, I'd rather know. Even if it's irreparable. She does have a past with an abuser, but it never used to be an issue. It's at the point where she started flinching from my touch, and I stopped trying after getting rejected over and over.
- House. We have a really nice house in a nice neighbourhood, but my wife wants to move to a new build. I try to keep an open mind, so we visit other houses, but she thinks I'm just trying to appease her. In a way, I am, but if I saw a house that was as good as ours and would make her happy, I'd move. The fact is, they're all much more expensive and much smaller. She seems to think nothing of chucking another £50k on the mortgage. To try and make our current house better, we've done a fair amount of DIY. In our 2 and a half years in the house, we've completely renovated the dining room, bathroom, hall, staircase, lower garden and now upper garden. I hate DIY with a passion, but have done each of these just to keep her happy.
- Children. We always had kids as an 'eventually', but since our friends have had babies, she's turned into 'never'. I'm not wanting kids in the short term, but also don't want to rule them out completely for our entire lives. I think she's worried about our friends excluding us because we don't have kids, and it's like she's already begun the mental separation of our friendship group.
My final issue is exaggerated by the dead bedroom. I feel completely emasculated - I cook her meals every night because she 'hates cooking' (even though she's awesome at it), I feel like I do the majority of the housework (she claims she doesn't want to do it because she doesn't like the house - I feel like that's an excuse) and I do things that are 'men jobs' like DIY, taking the bins out, walking the dog at night etc. Ultimately, I feel like I'm putting in more work than she is.
We're both reasonably good looking, take care of ourselves and I'm sure sexual compatibility wouldn't be an issue with other partners. We share the same sense of humour and despite an undercurrent of resentment you've no doubt detected in this post, I do love her. I just feel like I've changed a lot for her (sometimes to my own self-improvement), and she refuses to grow or budge at all.
I was hoping we'd made steps in the right direction over the weekend. I gave her a back massage, and she gave me the first blowie I'd had in over a year. But today she was asking me what we're going to do. Again, it feels like it's "what are YOU going to do about OUR problem."
She won't try therapy again. (I personally think the therapist wasn't a good fit for us). I've said we should each write down what we want to achieve in the relationship and when by. But to be honest, it feels like she wants to split, but wants me to do it.
I'm sorry for the one sided story. Maybe you can read all this and I'm the problem. That's ok. I'd just like to know how to fix it.
TL;DR - Wife and I are thinking of calling time on the relationship. I'd like to at least try to fix it before we do, but don't know how. Any suggestions would be welcome. If you read this far, thanks for your time!
Submitted June 29, 2021 at 01:46PM by ThrowItGoes29 https://ift.tt/3y71qND
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