I (26F) am afraid my mother (56F) won't seek medical help, or won't tell me about her health because of her beliefs in alternative medicine

My mother is a very strong believer in alternative medicine. I was raised in the belief that every single health issue is a direct result of some sort of emotional distress, past trauma or your own character's deficiencies ( anger, pride, fear, etc. ).

For example, as a child, if I was sick and had a sore throat I would be asked what "stayed in my throat" (french expression, meaning the feeling you have in your throat when you are angry and want to speak but can't) that I couldn't express this week. She recently had a teeth removed that she tried to heal herself ignoring dentist's advice for the last 6 month, and she says that's her teeth went bad because she has a "teeth against herself" ( french expression meaning being angry with oneself ). Yes, she is that litteral, and deeply believes this to be true. This is also all backed into strong spiritual beliefs.

She also strongly believes that the medicine industry is against us, and that doctors are either well intentioned but misinformed, or against us. Basically she thinks she knows better than them. She of course believes that vaccines cause disease and autism, or are a population control tool. When I was a child she went to some "doctors" that faked a few of my vaccines ( they are mandatory in France), but I don't remember which ones. She also believe in various other conspiracy theories (fluor controls your mind, chemtrails are real, etc.)

I believed all of this as a child, but started questioning as a teenager. I moved to my father at 15 for my education, and from there I also educated myself in sciences and it took me a lot of time but I finally grasped the absurdity of all this. I also completely lost faith in her religion ( she started out a buddhist but it got weirder and weirder and I don't understand any of it now, so I don't even dare to ask about it anymore), which of course causes her a lot of pain, since she think that by not following her beliefs, I put my own health at risk.

Of course all of this had and sometimes still has a strong effect on me. I didn't wear glasses for years because I believed I could heal myself if I worked hard enough ( we bought a couple of alternative medicine books that told me I shouldn't wear glasses and instead do some eye exercises and try to heal my emotional issues if I wanted my vision to get better, and that I could 100% heal myself). Deep down I know she still think I could have healed myself, and a part of me kinda sometimes still does, even if I now believe this is all bullshit. She never forced me to do that, of course, and did buy me glasses as a child, but when my pair broke as a teenager, I never asked my father to replace them, and he is kind of oblivious. I am very strongly near sighted, by the way, so I think I missed out on a lot as a teenager and young adult by not being able to see correctly and faking it to everyone. One day I was in a museum with friends and realised I couldn't read anything they could. That night I went home and scheduled an ophthalmologist appointment ( I am embarrassed to say I was already in my 20's at that moment).

Long story short, my mother is at the moment in extreme emotional pain because of her relationship with her boyfriend, and has been for some time. She believes that this emotional pain is going to cause her a huge illness, and that this illness has already started. Usually I would just focus on trying to make her feel better and distract her from her sickness fears, but this time I am actually worried. We live far apart and she sounds extremely beaten down on the phone. She tells me that she feels extremely weak and has lost a lot of weight ( she now weighs 45 kg ! She is pretty short but it is still way too low ! ). I am not working a regular job at the moment, so I could hop on a train and go be with her, but her longtime boyfriend (they live together) basically hates me. I am the center of their conflict and everytime I come he goes into a rages against me at some point, and she can't take it anymore. So I'm pretty sure I would only make everything worse for her if I go. He believes all the same things she does, by the way.

So anyway she tells me there is no point in going to the doctor now, when she feels that bad. She is going to make herself feel better first and then go. She is also worried that her boyfriend will criticize her for going to a regular doctor instead of following their own medicine, which is of course better, so she won't tell him she went. He is an acupuncturist and alternative medicine practitioner, and think everything can be healed the natural way, if you put in the work. He had a few heart attacks himself and surgery for them, but that irony is lost on him apparently. He is 74 if that matters. Recently he told me in a letter that he had another "heart attack" a month ago. Yesterday my mom told me that what really happened : they were fighting about me and them he felt immense pain in his chest, but with their acupuncture techniques or prayer or whatnot they managed to make it go away. No ambulance was called, and he never went to a doctor. Seeing I strongly hate that man by now, I can't help but think that this is a controlling technique from him, since his health is only apparently that bad when they fight about me or my mom's family ( he relentlessly criticize each and every one of us). If I say anything even mildly negative about him to her, she will repeat it to him, and he will then go into rages saying I'm trying to split them apart ( which, to be fair, is kind of true at this point lol) so I try not to. She says she had enough of his bullshit this time, and says that if he keeps on going she will leave him, but I heard her say she would leave him countless times over the years and she never did.

I would like for her to go see a doctor immediately and would have told her on the phone, but everytime I try to talk to them about these things they react very poorly and I only end up antagonising myself. They feel like they perfectly know what they are doing, and know better than me. ( the good old "you are too narrow minded" and "mentally focused", whatever that means).

My goal is for her to always feel like I am her ally and that she can come talk to me about anything, so I do my best to not criticize her choices ( she already has enough criticism from her boyfriend), by fear that she would shut me out and not keep me informed "for my own good" (she does that a lot).

A few years ago she had some serious health issues due to menopause and had to be hospitalised for a week, she only told me long after the fact (they were already together). Since then, she mostly just ignored doctor's advice and used her own natural medicine instead ( they spend a fortune in supplements, essential oils, weird acupuncture machines etc.) and did get better, until now.

She already jokingly told me that if she does go to the doctor this time she probably won't follow their advice anyway. I want to be respectful of her spiritual beliefs but this is just pure arrogant idiocy to me. She has no medical training other that what her boyfriend taught her.

I'm very afraid that if she is found with something very serious ( like cancer), she won't tell me and will try to heal it herself. Or will tell me but lie about following treatment, because I just "couldn't understand". This is a very probable outcome i my eyes, and has been an anxiety of mine for years.

I feel very powerless in this situation. I think her boyfriend is very emotionally controlling ( and I believe also verbally abusive). I am an only child with a very small family, none of which live near her.

Do you have any advice on how I could try to make her seek actual competent medical help without her shutting me out ? Do you have any experience in making loved ones follow doctor's advice ?

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TLDR : My mother lives far away from me and the rest of my family and I'm an only child. She is a strong believer in alternative medicine due to her religion, so his her longtime boyfriend, who I think is an abusive controlling asshole. She feels very weak and she lost a lot of weight, and I'm afraid something is seriously wrong with her. She doesn't believe in doctors, so she doesn't want to go now, she want to make herself feel better first, then go. Her boyfriend is an acupuncturist and alternative medicine practitioner. How do I make her seek actual competent medical help without her shutting me out ? I am also afraid that if she does go to the doctor and find out something serious she won't tell me and try to heal il herself, ignoring doctor's advice.

Submitted December 08, 2019 at 06:27AM by AkkoAkko https://ift.tt/2LAWLhf