I [26 f] am uncertain if something unhealthy is growing between me and my girlfriend [27 F] of not quite a year

hey everyone,

i caught myself this afternoon thinking about how i could fake that everything was fine when i went to drop off the lunch she forgot to pack. and that has prompted me to think about the whole thing a little more which has lead to me trying to write this for the past hour, not making any progress with it and crying on and off. i don't cry easily, i don't know why this is so hard for me...

we were out at the christmas dinner of her company on saturday, i was feeling a bit bummed about it - i generally dislike crowds of people and loads of noise and just wasn't really feeling like going out, but she's been looking forward to it and introducing me to everyone so...

i was a bit grouchy on the way there which of course she didn't enjoy and four hours of more than forty people talking at the same time and me not being able to understand enough to actually follow any of the conversations didn't help my mood, so on the way back, when we talked about the dinner and she mentioned she liked the dessert, i was grumbly when i responded that it was too sweet for me. that kind of got the whole thing going because as she was trying to reconnect, she made a bit of a joke and just went "grumble grumble grumble". that, to me, felt like she was invalidating what i'd said and so when she came in for a kiss i turned my head away. i just didn't feel like giving her a kiss right then.

she felt ignored and we spent the next half hour train ride quietly sitting next to each other. i felt like crying, she felt like crying and eventually i reached over to hold her hand again, which she responded to in kind.

i thought we were kind of ok again. when we got to her place she talked with her flatmates like all was good. i wanted to apologize though so i took her to her room and did just that. and that's when it got out of hand.

i have no idea anymore how it happened but over the next three or four hours i'm trying to explain that i don't feel wanted by her a lot of the time and that i'm just kind of around and it could be anyone, she's trying to convince(?) me i'm wrong and tells me she sometimes doesn't feel appreciated. at some point i tell her that i'm not coming closer to her because i wan't to get this discussion finished before i do, which she clearly did not hear - context follows - and in the end i'm in tears, apologizing three or four times, when shortly after the last time she gets up, leaves the room and a bit later i hear the door of the house falling shut.

she's never done this before and when i did something somewhat similar earlier in our relationship she told me explicitly never to do that.

when she came back i ended up comforting her, trying to calm her down and reassure her and i just now realized she never apologized for walking out...

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this thing with me not feeling like a priority to her is a bit of an old shoe. it might have been the first serious discussion/fight we had, back then she wanted to spend less time with me so she would have more free time to do things with other people.

every time we spend an evening together her phone isn't far. it's been something we've talked about a bunch. coupled with me trying to find a compromise in our situation i suggested a couples evening. just some time where we avoid all distractions and just spend time with each other. her counter proposal was that we wouldn't have a set evening - because it would take up an evening she might need for meeting a friend and she doesn't want to have to cancel on me and some days she might just not have the energy, etc. - and instead we would just do that once a week, but not pre-define which day. to be honest, i don't expect it to happen any day. maybe because i'm pessimistic, maybe because i've made poor experiences, but i just don't expect one-day-of-the-week to be a day that occurs.

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i'm reluctant to bring things up because she's easily stressed out with relationship struggles, she starts crying quickly and i try to comfort her sooner or later, which was why i had decided to finish the discussion before doing any of that. but now with this being a thing that's happened i'm even more reluctant - especially with escalation being something i'm worried is becoming a theme.

this is my first relationship and i just don't know what to do... i don't even really get what's going on.

is this going sour? are there signs i might not be seeing? is this a normal step in any growing relationship? two people trying to find common ground through things that cause struggles?

thank you for your time

v

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tl;dr: first relationship, don't get what's going on, not sure if some form of unconscious manipulation is happening... or something. i don't know. i need someone to help me figure out what's going on.

Submitted December 02, 2019 at 01:14PM by itsalreadyinthetrash https://ift.tt/38ahceC