My (28/F) brother's (20/M) girlfriend (32/F) is a complete nightmare and honestly kind of predatory.

For the past year he has been living with me whilst attending university and working part-time. He used to live in a house with roommates but it was getting kind of expensive, so I offered him the second bedroom in my apartment. I live pretty close to his school and was getting kind of bored living alone anyway. Things have been good. He studies hard and works at a café a few times a week.

A couple of months ago I found out that he had a girlfriend. He was always looking down at his phone and laughing, so it was kind of obvious lmao. I asked him about her and told him that he could bring her around if he wanted to. He told me that she was "a little older" which I assumed meant a few years ... not twelve. I know "age is only a number" or whatever but even at my age, it's hard for me to even imagine romantically connecting with someone under 25. What do they even talk about? If it's just physical, that's one thing but they're in an actual relationship.

Needless to say I was a little worried. When she came over to my apartment to hang out and introduced herself to me for the first time, it was quite obvious that she was significantly older than him. The age gap was a bit concerning ... but I set my personal opinion aside and figured if my brother is happy that is all that matters. After a bit of conversation I was able to gather that they had met on a dating app when he was still just 19 and that she is a high school English teacher. I tried not to let my mind go to a weird place but I mean ... her students are probably only a few years younger than him.

Again they seemed happy, so I shrugged off my judgments and played nice. My brother is an adult, but he also loves her a lot. I know it's not just a casual thing for him because he has said as much and because he takes off at all hours of day and night to go see her when she calls. One time she called him in tears and said her car broke down and he apparently left his job early to go help her only to find out that she had already made the necessary calls and arrangements and was completely okay. This happened directly after he had canceled one of their dates because he forgot he had told one of his coworkers at the café that he would cover their shift for them that night.

When he told me that, he made it sound like it was funny, but it sounded manipulative and concerning to me. Apparently she finds herself in troubling situations all the time, usually when he has canceled plans last minute or has to stay at work or at school a little later and can't see her due to prior commitments. Soon enough it got to the point where I could hear them arguing on the phone. He would always be speaking to her in a calm, gentle manner, trying to calm her down so he could go to sleep but she would be going off on about something or crying hysterically for reasons that were unknown to me. It wasn't so loud that I could hear every word but from what I did hear she was definitely crying and he was definitely at a loss for what to do.

That has happened at least five or six times the past month alone.

I've been trying to let him sort it out on his own and to let nature take its course. But as his older sister, I'm concerned for him now. He doesn't seem to understand that she is manipulating him and that she is doing so in a very predatory way. I have only sat down with both of them a few times but every single time she will insert comments about him "not getting" whatever point she is trying to make because he is "too young" or laughing at him for not understanding something as if he is beneath her or something. If she thinks he is "too young" to understand her pseudo-intellectual humour, why date a guy twelve years younger in the first place? Oh, right ... because no one her own age has the patience for her shit. Got it.

Anyway, I don't like her lol.

How do I speak to my brother about the manipulation and predatory behaviour that seems to be taking place? He knows I'm here if he needs to talk about anything but he doesn't seem to trust his instincts quite yet ... so I'm lost on how to go about this without potentially pushing him away. She already knows I'm onto her, which is why she hardly comes over.

(ETA: He just came home a moment ago with red and puffy eyes and scratch marks all over his arms and neck and tried to pass them off as if his friend's cat did it, when those clearly aren't cat scratches. Also I know for a fact he was with her, not hanging out with friends. This has gone too far. I am genuinely worried for his safety.)

tl;dr She looks down him and is very demanding of his time and he doesn't seem to understand just how manipulative and predatory she is as a person. How do I help him? It's getting to the point where he seems to be blaming himself for everything when really she's just gaslighting him into thinking that.

Submitted December 02, 2019 at 06:24PM by weirdshit89 https://ift.tt/2Rk9oRc