Urged into polyamorous relationship with my (25M) wife (30F), she's clearly upset but won't communicate

Apologies for the throwaway, but considering the subject matter it seemed appropriate. Wife (30F) and I (25M) have been together since I was 17, we've been married for 5 years. She is my first everything, I am her second serious relationship. We have definitely had our ups and downs to put it lightly. She's very much type A and I'm more laid back which by itself caused some trouble in the beginning, but we've grown together to be more mature and now solve most problems together extremely well. She is straight, and I am bisexual (this is important later).

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About three years ago my wife had a mental breakdown, brought on by many factors including her stressful work environment, anxiety, and fear of missing out. She came to the conclusion that while she still loved me, she felt that her twenties were being robbed from her as she could see her friends still partying and dating around. I could not have guessed she felt this way about our relationship because I had always been happy to have settled down early on with her and take steps towards building a family. The following year was hard for the both of us, and finally she gave me an ultimatum that either we have a polyamorous relationship so that she could experience "normal young adult life" or she would walk away. I always considered myself strictly monogamous and was distraught at first, but I love this woman with all my life and couldn't imagine ever letting her go. When I finally agreed she was ecstatic and immediately sent me a list of articles on ethical poly relationships as well as her ground rules (no past crushes, be honest, use protection).

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My original plan was to just convince myself that as long as she came home to me at the end of the day it would all be worth it, and that I would not participate in any relationships outside of her. But as I did my own research into poly relationships I started thinking that my wife was right and this could be an opportunity to try dating other people so that later on at least I wouldn't feel like I actually had missed out on some big life experience. Eventually I took the plunge and six months ago I started dating my current boyfriend (24M), the only partner I have/ever had outside my wife. He is fully aware of me and my wife's situation, is very friendly and respectful to her when we all hang out, and as much as I still love my wife to death I really love his company as well and always find myself looking forward to spending time with him. I am genuinely happy that I met him and he's motivated me to drop a few bad habits and better myself as well. I understand that this may not be a relationship model that suits everyone, but I am glad I gave myself the chance to look into it.

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The issue is that, over time, I've noticed that my wife has been growing increasingly passive aggressive about my relationship with my boyfriend. At first she seemed incredibly supportive, since she had felt bad that I wasn't putting myself out there more, and was especially excited that I got to explore my sexuality. Now when she mentions my boyfriend it's always in a snide or condescending tone (although she also denies this), and has also grown worryingly protective and possessive of me. For example while she rarely texted me before, now she will text me pretty much constantly and will become anxious and upset if I don't reply quickly enough. I also have to reassure her for multiple hours before and after I spend time with my boyfriend because she is worried that I might realize I prefer men and will leave her because she is a woman. Of course I've tried to talk to her about this, but no matter what approach I use she will either insist that nothing is wrong and I'm reading too deep into things or she will become angry and accuse me of being condescending. I've asked if she wants to go back to being monogamous, wants to have a purely physical open relationship, needs to redefine the ground rules, or simply doesn't like my boyfriend. She's denied every single suggestion. I haven't brought it up in a month because she will immediately shut any discussion about our relationship down and insist everything is going fantastic, but it is growing more and more obvious that she's deeply upset to the point where my boyfriend has started feeling too uncomfortable around her to hang out as a group anymore. Is there any way to convince her to have an honest discussion about her feelings without her becoming defensive or shutting it down? And why won't she talk to me if she is clearly upset?

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tl;dr wife wanted a poly relationship, I was reluctant but eventually came around, I currently have a boyfriend, wife is now very obviously upset but won't communicate at all, how do I approach this situation?

Submitted November 24, 2019 at 12:58PM by open-throw-away https://ift.tt/37CrZhm