It's a little more complicated than the title implies. I'll start with my son.
Kenny, 26, has been a problem since he was about 8. He has some diagnosed mental conditions, nothing unusual, that he refuses to take his meds for. He's struggled with addiction, stolen, lied and everything else you can imagine. He was kicked out of our home more than once. He's always expected everyone else to take care of him. Over the past few years our relationship has been distant. He's not allowed at my house or really anyone else's home in the family. He's bounced around from friend to friend for the most part. We talk on the phone a couple of times a week for a few min and occasionally go meet up somewhere, but it isn't often. He has always come with a LOT of drama. I keep my distance out of necessity and the need to protect my other children.
Beth, 21, is a fairly average college girl. She's fairly level headed and responsible, she's generally super independent. We have a close relationship but she refuses to tell me anything negative is going on, she paints her life as perfect and happy to me. I would consider us close, but she doesn't seem to want me to see her as anything but perfect. I know through others that she has some issues with anxiety, she'll acknowledge it with me but won't really talk about it. She recently had a run in with an ex-boyfriend that also rattled her a bit. She's started seeing a therapist, which I only know because of the grapevine.
In the past year Kenny seems to have gotten his act together. He's been progressing very slowly over the past few years, but the past 8 months or so he's really buckled down. I feel like we are all ready to start letting him in a little more. I thought Thanksgiving would be a good time to start things rolling in that direction. I mentioned to him that I may be ready to let him come around, we discussed it but didn't really make a final decision.
So Kenny has screwed over a lot of people in the family. I spoke to all of them about him coming around and everyone was supportive. Except for Beth. They were always pretty tight growing up. Hung around with a lot of the same people, typical sibling arguments but generally nothing too crazy. In the past couple of years Kenny has thrown some zingers her way. Basically ratting her out on a few things that really weren't a big deal. Beth has avoided him for the past year or so and made it obvious. When I first mentioned him coming around her initial reaction was that she wouldn't be happy about it but it was fine. I spoke to Kenny briefly and we kind of settled on him more than likely coming.
Then I got a bomb dropped on me by Beth's mother, but she feels like she shouldn't be the one to tell me about it. All she would tell me is that Beth told her some of the things her and the therapist had talked about had brought up some things she remembered but had kind of suppressed. If Kenny was coming to Thanksgiving she wasn't going to be there. Her reaction to him coming was extremely strong to her mother. I spoke to Beth about Thanksgiving again. She very calmly told me that if he's going to be there at all, she would stay home. She also said that she couldn't tell me why yet. I didn't push it.
I am absolutely willing and think it's the right thing to side with my daughter on this. There are a lot of details I'm leaving out that make it an obvious choice for a million reasons. My fear is how I communicate it to Kenny. I don't want to out his sister at this time. Surely she's a little sensitive right now and just starting therapy, if I tell him it has to do with her he will hound her into insanity. But I also don't feel right telling him he can't come without a reason. I don't think I have a choice there, I feel like I just have to tell him there is a reason I can't discuss right now. He will have to trust me and I'll talk to him about it specifically when I can. I'd like to have a separate dinner with him. I also fear this whole thing will drive a permanent wedge between him and I. Again there are a lot of reasons I think that's what's going to happen.
I'm looking for ideas on how I can present this to him, without implicating her and without pushing him away. I don't think those two objectives are compatible in the situation. I'll be the bad guy if I have to, I just fear what affect it will have on him. I'd love to hear from people who have been in similar situations on both sides of the coin. Any help, advice or perspective is appreciated. Thanks.
TLdr: Estranged son was intending to join the family for Thanksgiving, daughter won't attend if he does but I don't know why. How can I present the change to him without implicating her or pushing him away.
Submitted November 12, 2019 at 06:14PM by Shittythrowawayacc https://ift.tt/2Oc1eas
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