My (35M) mother's (60F) victim mentality is driving me crazy, she won't get help, talking dark recently - did I respond correctly?

Sorry for the long post

My parents are immigrants, had an arranged marriage, never liked each other. My father (75M) was physically abusive towards my mother for much of my childhood, but gradually the physical abuse stopped after she called the police on him. They're still married and live together.

I married my wife (36F) right after college, we dated for years and I chose her. Her parents are from the same country as my parents, but different regions and have some cultural differences - most of my cousins in the home country got married much older, and my wife's sisters all had arranged marriages - so we were different than the norm in both our families.

Since we've been married, my mom always gets into fights with my wife, but she constantly blames my wife for instigating it, claiming my wife will just verbally attack her out of the blue. I know this isn't true, as my mom will constantly belittle my wife (usually when I'm not around) but do it in a passive aggressive way (talking about how one of my children is too skinny [he's the youngest and the rest of my children are very strong and healthy], or saying things about how my wife will end up killing me by overworking me [my wife does a fantastic job taking care of the house and kids, and I couldn't do what she does]), I think mom does this to claim she is not an aggressor.

I currently live in a different hemisphere/continent from my parents, so i don't see them much. Two months ago my wife and I took our kids on a vacation, my wife from the beginning was pushing for me to invite my mother - but I was apprehensive because I knew they would blow up. I listened to my wife because she convinced me it was the right thing to do, but unfortunately, I was right about my fears.

It doesn't matter what happened but after they argued; the next morning my mother came crying to me about how my wife "assaulted" her and she wanted to leave. i told her to call the police if my wife really assaulted her and I'd be happy to take her to the airport to end the trip for her earlier. She gradually stopped talking about the incident but stayed with us, a week later my wife was out of the house for a few hours and my mom spent hours just talking about how bad my wife is to me. Once the trip was over, she went home and we went home.

It's been nearly two months, but my mom calls me today crying about all the humiliation my wife put her through, claiming things like my wife is trying to separate me from my mother (I barely see my in-laws, so there is no evidence of this); that my wife is trying to keep my children away from my mother (my wife bought and set up a computer with a webcam for my parents so they could video chat with my kids whenever they wanted); claiming that my wife's mother and sisters (my sister-in-laws live on the opposite side of the US from my mom and barely interact with her) are conspiring with my wife against my mom.

I told my mother that she was wasting my time with these stories unless she wanted to propose a solution. She refused, but lamented that I didn't divorce my wife after we got married - I told her there is no point in whining about something that cannot be changed. She then began asking me whose side I was on! I told her that this isn't a binary option and she needs to stop talking to me about her feelings regarding my wife, I respectfully told her to go talk to a therapist as I think it is very inappropriate for my mom to badmouth my wife to me.

She started talking about not wanting to live anymore and got very dramatic. I honestly don't have the soft spot anymore for this, it actually gets me MAD when my mom (or anyone) starts crying about something I think is trivial. (You want to cry because your dad died, I get it; you want to cry because you've invented a conspiracy theory? fuck you).

My mom has always been dramatic and conspiracy minded. I've told her for years to talk to a therapist about the abuse my father put her through, but she refuses and gets mad at me for calling her crazy. But I have receipts. I remember in HS she would scream at me because she was convinced a new friend of mine (also of immigrant origin from same region as my parents - we lived in a mostly white area) was going to murder me. No logical reason for that but she harped on it for weeks, even though I would spend time with him doing harmless things, instead of hanging out with my white friends who were all doing drugs.

So my question: what do I do about this? I know I can't force her to go to therapy but I'm trying my best not to get drawn into her pity parties. She insists she is always innocent and is a victim of the world. I'm a little worried after today's interaction because she talked about not wanting to be alive anymore, but I'm hoping she's not going to do anything stupid. To be safe, I asked my brother, who was visiting my parents, to try to talk some sense into her, though I know it's really unfair to draw him in.

tl;dr My mom was physically abused by my father, she is a suspicious person now and insists she can't hurt anyone and is always the victim of other peoples. She's been in this perpetual conflict with my wife since we got married. My mom called me today to "talk to my son" but I told her it was inappropriate and she should see a therapist, i.e. talk to a third party not involved in this drama. Did I do the right thing, what else can I do to try to end this craziness?

Submitted November 24, 2019 at 09:40AM by mezarange https://ift.tt/2DfrqMA