My (29M) girlfriend (27F) is upset that I don't want my secret jewelry collection to be worn by anyone. Including her.

I'm a completely closeted gemstone and jewelry enthusiast from Long Island, NY. I've had this hobby since my early 20's, being incredibly careful financially so I can pick up a nice piece from a gem show or auction a few times per year; always way below "true" market price. After many years, my collection has developed into something truly special and I can look upon it with pride. I grew up poor and the idea that I can have a certifiable box of treasure is an idea I draw strength from. I also enjoy studying the scientific aspect of it to the point that, to this day, I still consider switching careers to truly embrace it. It's silly to invest emotion into material objects, but it means a lot to me personally. I also want to say that I'm not rich by any stretch of the imagination, I am solidly middle class and can only buy these pieces using a method based on opportunism and keeping strict track of pricing.

The collection itself is composed mainly of loose gemstones, mostly opal but with a hefty number of other precious cut stones like emeralds and sapphires. I even have a few gold nuggets and some natural crystallized gold. The rest is all jewelry and a lot of it is antique and/or designer. In terms of that, it's composed of a few necklaces, a small handful of pendants, a large handful of rings, several bracelets, and a broach. All of which I have painstakingly scouted and specifically chose to be a piece I want to add to my secret collection. Some of them are extremely nice, one example of which is an art deco platinum Cartier emerald and diamond ring from the 1920s.

Given that this is a throwaway, I need to impress upon you that this collection is (or was!) a complete secret to everyone except my brother (who doesn't really care) and my parents. I grew up without a lot of privacy and I embrace having "my thing". Thinking about my collection being safe, secure, and secret gives me the same feeling as being wrapped in warm blankets on a cold winter night, it absolutely relieves my anxiety and it helps me feel empowered.

To get to the point, I have been going out with this wonderful woman for around a year. Our first "anniversary" is a little over a month away. I have a lot of anxious hang-ups and she really does (did?) put me at ease when we talk to each other. It's like we just click and I'm having trouble articulating why, which I suppose is a good thing because the connection is so emotional it's beyond words. A few months ago, I felt safe enough with her to show her my "rock collection". I mentioned my "rock collection" to her a few times but she didn't really seem into it, given that I already display some fossils, which most people find uninteresting/boring. I'm kind of a nerdy guy and definitely not the most fashionable person (not a slob or unhygienic, I just don't care about clothes or fashion, less money spent on clothes means more money I can spend on her anyway) so when she saw what my "rock collection" really was, she seemed pretty floored. Like whispering "Oh my god" in a really intense way and asking "Is this real?" about a few things. I honestly thought it was adorable. I answered any questions she had and she seemed pretty surprised that I knew so much about jewelry. I even let her wear some of it for a little bit, but only for a few minutes in the room and I did feel my heart palpitate as she did it. I felt like we grew closer after I showed her because I really did feel vulnerable opening up to her like this. She has a few pieces of (precious-ish) jewelry herself, but it's all shopping mall Pandora-tier bracelets, a few thin yellow gold necklaces she got for birthdays, and a pair of diamond stud earrings. The rest is all assorted non-precious stuff that goes with her outfit, like her stainless steel onyx ring that she wears all the time.

Fast forward a few days and the "rock collection" has already been brought up a few times. Like she'd be on Pinterest on her phone and show me outfits that she thinks certain pieces of collection jewelry would go with. I explained to her that, though I agree and she'd look stunning, I'd very much prefer for the collection itself to remain a complete secret and that I only showed her because I trusted her. She seems to understand this, as if you advertise this kind of collection all you do is either make others resent you or set yourself up for a home invasion, but her sticking point was "Keeping them in the dark all the time is such a waste" which made me nervous. At that point, I knew she wanted to wear them without her specifically asking me.

The idea of one of my pieces being worn outside gives me anxiety. Especially anything opal, which requires special care and can shatter so easily that even seeing others with opal rings makes me nervous. I derive satisfaction from them being locked up and safe. My line in stone is that I'll never let anyone wear my jewelry "in the wild" under any circumstances. If she wears one ring one day, it'll become a "thing" to the point where I can easily see the jewelry being worn semi-regularly and my secret collection will be a secret no longer, it won't be completely locked up anymore, and it won't give me that feeling of privacy and security. It'd give me the opposite feeling because I'd be wondering other things like how much wear and tear is appropriate. I'd definitely start noticing scratches and other marks on them when I scrutinize them with a loupe, that's just part of what happens to jewelry when you wear it no matter how careful you are. Not to mention them being stolen or outright destroyed in an accident.

At this point, I regret showing her. I always try to communicate as best I can that I don't feel comfortable with my jewelry being outside, worn, or shown to people I don't absolutely trust. It has become a point of contention, as now it is brought up every day and that she's saying that I should want to cover her in diamonds. I even offered to get her a piece of her own that she can wear as much as she wants, but she told me that wasn't the point, and that if she can't wear some of my jewelry on dates, that must mean I was waiting for someone else to come along so I could put it on them. "It's meant to be worn. Who else is going to wear it?" It has honestly gotten worse every day and I can see it upsets her, so I try not to bring it up, but it always comes up in conversation somehow and it never ends up in a good place. The environment between us has gotten tense and we obviously aren't in the lovey-dovey initial stages of the relationship anymore.

I'm wondering how to approach this situation in a constructive way because I don't like seeing her upset, but I also don't want to be (what I feel to be) manipulated into doing something I'm uncomfortable with.

Do I feel like this is enough to break up over? No. Do I feel less comfortable in this relationship than I used to? Absolutely, and it makes me sad and disappointed.

Is there anything I can say to her that I haven't already said? I don't know what to do or say after I offered to buy her a piece of jewelry and she responded with "That's not the point."

tl;dr: I have a secret (really nice) jewelry collection that I showed my girlfriend. She wants to wear the jewelry and I want to keep it locked up. I don't know how to fix this situation without upsetting her because wearing it isn't an option.

Submitted November 07, 2019 at 01:49PM by ThrowRAgemrock https://ift.tt/2pTefO1