I [45 M] am quietly grieving the loss of a physical relationship with my wife [44 F] of 15 years, following a car accident she'd had a few years ago. How do I find a way forward?

My wife is my best friend. We’ve been together for 18 years (married for 15), parents to fantastic kids, and though we’ve had our ups and downs like anyone else, have always been genuinely happy together. Our love and friendship translated to a remarkable physical chemistry that only seemed to get more adventurous as the years went by. We even opened things up a little bit to include other people now and then, which was exciting and rewarding. Life was good. And then life happened.

She was in a major accident a few years ago that resulted in a traumatic brain injury and left her struggling with sensory and cognitive issues and a headache that has never gone away. She can’t work or drive anymore, which has me as the sole breadwinner (and I’m not exactly bringing in a lot). Her sensory challenges means that she struggles with background noise, group conversations and loud environments, so we’re not able to have date nights, go to concerts or the movies (or even watch them at home), hang out with friends, etc.

There’s no precise science when it comes to recovering from a brain injury. The best any doctor can give you is to take it one day at a time. She may never get back to “normal”, or it could be a few more days/weeks/months/years. No one can say.

I absolutely meant it when I promised to be there in sickness and in health, so I have no problem shopping for groceries, getting lunches ready for kids before school, straightening up the house, etc. But I miss being with my wife. No matter how tough the real world might have been, we used to have incredible passionate sex that would leave us emotionally recharged. No fantasy was off the table and we’d even indulged in some over the years; it was fun sharing this freedom with my best friend.

That’s all gone now. Sex is very, very infrequent and comes with a lot of baggage. Both of us miss each other terribly, but it takes a significant physical and emotional toll. The basic exertion (no matter how we pace it) causes spikes in her head pain and little energy for an extended period of time. She maintains that it’s worth it, but I can’t help but feel incredibly guilty and helpless seeing her knocked out. It’s more sadness for me than afterglow and enjoyment.

We’re otherwise okay and very happy and secure. Our significantly diminished sex life is sad and with each passing day, I feel the reality sinking in that this aspect of our lives may well and truly be over. The well-intentioned suggestion of “we can always do other things” makes me feel worse because it underscores the loss of what was. I’m struggling to cross that hurdle to adapt. And although we talk about everything, this is a tough topic because she misses me too and it’s a conversation that doesn’t lead to a way forward. It’s more just a shared helpless acknowledgment of “yeah, this sucks.”

I know it sounds selfish but I miss feeling wanted. Pre-accident, there was a possibility of approved dating on our own. Post-accident, that’s not a viable option on any level.

I’m human and I’m sad about this situation, tired from keeping things going (although genuinely proud and happy to do so!), incredibly lonely and I don’t know how to cope with the loss. I realize that my wife feels all these things as well, but as I’d mentioned, she’s just as helpless so there isn’t much we can actually talk through. So I don’t bring it up because she feels bad as it is.

tl;dr: A car accident robbed my wife and me of an amazing sex life. I’m struggling to adapt and am not sure what to do.

Submitted November 13, 2019 at 02:53AM by AgreeableIndividual1 https://ift.tt/2KjkxNX