Hey everyone! I'm not sure if I'm overthinking things and/or being overly sensitive, so I was wondering if people could share their thoughts on my situation.
Background: I (32F) decided to change my career path when I was in my late 20s. I received a full-tuition scholarship to attend a graduate program in the field I want to enter. Prior to that I had worked for about 8 years (in the same position and company) making about 55k/year. Since most of my time during regular business hours is devoted to classes & studying, I started a small online business (selling handmade items) that allows me to work from home with more flexible hours. I've been consistently making about $3-4k/month and although it's not as much as when I worked full time, I've been comfortable.
I'm currently in the last year of my program and I've been dating my BF (32M) for about 2 years. He is in a salaried position making about 65k/year (so almost twice as much as I am making right now). After about 1 year of dating, my lease at that time was ending and my BF had suggested I move in with him. He owns the house outright although he still has a mortgage on it. TBH, it's not the kind of housing or neighborhood I would've picked for myself. Although it IS a house, it is really small and old. You can rent apartments in this area that are twice the size, much cleaner and newer, while much lower in cost. His house also doesn't have a lot of things I look for, such as a bathtub (I take bubble baths on a regular basis). However, he suggested a good deal for both of us, which is that he pays the mortgage (about $750 monthly) and I pay for everything else (gas, electricity, water, heat, internet, groceries, which is about $500 monthly). I wasn't sure if I'd like living there, but I thought I'd give it a try for at least a year. Also, it would be a good chance for me to try living in a house, as I had always previously lived in apartments. While I was working before graduate school, I saved up more than enough for a down payment on a house so it's the next thing I'd want to do anyway.
Even though I'm in school, I've been financially stable and holding up my own weight (via the $35-40k in sales I generate every year through my online business). Since moving in, I also started to pay the cleaning company to come in every other week. When I was living alone, I only had them come once every two months, because I keep things pretty tidy and clean on my own and it was just a nice treat for myself, not a necessity, to have them come by for a cleaning. Unfortunately, my BF is a lot messier than I am, so we need them to come in more often. I also do all of the cooking. I would be cooking for myself anyway if I were living alone, and it's not that much effort to make one or two more portions.
Also, since his house is old, things have gradually been falling apart over the last year: dishwasher, washing machine, oven, central air. I chipped in half the costs to purchase the new dishwasher and washing machine, but the other two are still broken. I'm willing to chip in so I can have things functioning, but he doesn't seem to want to use (or have?) the funds to repair them. Ironically, even though I'm the one in school working part time (via my online business), HE's the one that's asked ME to pay for his bills or buy him a nice phone or buy him this or that. When I ask him "why" he says it's because I'll be "rolling around in dough" when I graduate, referring to the job I'll start in this field. I will be making about 85k/year, and I plan to keep my online business even after starting a job, so I would be over 6 digits. I did not disclose my new salary, but he looked it up on glassdoor when I got the position.
Recently, he's made some comments about our finances that have bothered me. I haven't talked to him beyond what I include below, and I've just been feeling really resentful towards him, although I'm not sure if I'm just being too sensitive.
- When his parents asked him if he wanted to go on a family vacation cruise, he said he couldn't because he doesn't have money. When his parents asked him "why" he said it's because he has to "financially support" his girlfriend. When I looked at him confused and asked him what he was talking about, he said that he was referring to the fact that I don't pay rent. I didn't want to argue about this in front of his parents, so I spoke with him about this later and told him I was surprised he would say something like that because I pay $500/month in household expenses + $150/month in cleaning services + I do all of the shopping/ cooking. He said he was just "joking" although he's made comments about "financially supporting" me to his friends a several times after that.
- He's also made comments when people are talking about someone who moved into a new apartment or house. He'll say something like "At least they have their own place and they can support themselves" and look at me. I realize that taken alone, comments like that might not mean much, but combined with the above comment, I do feel that they were directed at me, which makes me feel resentful. Because the only reason I moved in with him is not because I can't support myself, but because HE asked me to move in with him. I would've been more than content to renew the least at my old place, where I could take a bubble bath every night before going to sleep. In fact, prior to moving in with him, I lived alone for about 13 years and I've been perfectly fine on my own during college, after that, and during graduate school.
- He and his parents "joke" that once I start working after I graduate, he can just retire. When I asked him "why" he said that I'd be making enough for the both of us. According to him, I'll be making over "110-120k/year" and we can easily live comfortably on that. Oh wait? So I don't make any money when you need to complain to your family and friends about how you "support" me, but when you plan YOUR early retirement, my online business DOES count as money? He's also once made a comment about how I can "make it up" to him for living rent-free for the last year.
Overall, these comments have me feeling resentful. I feel that my contributions have been undervalued. I've been paying about $650 a month in housing expenses (including the cleaning services, since he never cleans) AND doing all of the cooking at least 4x a week. I've been doing all of this while being a full time student and running a successful online business. The last time he "joked" about financially supporting me, he also mentioned how I never cook. He's mentioned this before once or twice.
Honestly, if he had been upfront about the "rent" issue, I wouldn't have minded paying him "rent" that is equivalent to half his mortgage, if he pays for half of everything else I currently pay for in housing expenses. However, I guess my issue is that we had an agreement on how we would divide household expenses, but he is making it seem like I'm a freeloader since I don't pay "rent when he talks about this in front of other people.
I'm more than financially able to pay "rent" for half his mortgage. Before moving in with him, my housing cost was over $1k/month, and I have $1k in my budget set aside for housing costs (since moving in with him, my housing costs have lowered so I've been setting those funds aside for any potential housing maintenance, such as new dishwasher, etc).
At this point, it's not about the money, it's about how he made me feel and how he went about it. It really bothers me that he complained to people that I don't pay rent, because we had an agreement on how we split our housing expenses. Simply saying I don't pay rent, without mentioning everything else I've been doing (such as how I'm paying for all of our other housing expenses + all of the housework), makes it seem like I'm just a mooch. Not to mention, I feel that finances between me and him is none of other people's business.
The "financially supporting" comments also hit on a sensitive nerve for me. I grew up poor and being financially independent/stable has been a really critical part of my self-identity. I moved out when I was 18 and I've been living alone until I moved in with my BF last year. I worked to put myself through college & I've had a stable career before coming to graduate school. I've never needed anyone's help and I'm proud of the financial stability I've built up since I left the home I was raised in through my previous career & my online business so far. I feel resentful because I feel that my partner is supposed to be my biggest ally and cheerleader, but I feel like he's doing the opposite by making those comments he's did. A part of me wonders that maybe he is just making those comments because he wants me to contribute more, in which case the way he's handling it still feels sleazy.
Because of my past, I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive about the comments my boyfriend has made. I did start looking for a house since I have enough for a down payment, and I have taxes showing that I've been making roughly $35-40k/year for the last few years. I think I'd be better off waiting to get a mortgage after I get a few pay stubs from my new job, but it doesn't start until next year so IDK yet. I don't know if I'd feel comfortable living with him anymore, because of these comments he's made about "financially supporting" me. That is not who I am at all and I dont want to be around someone who tries to portray me that way. I also don't know if I want to live with him anymore because of how messy he is. I don't mind paying extra for more cleaning services, but TBH I could be using that money for a monthly massage or something else.
TLDR; boyfriend keeps telling people that he "financially supports" me because I don't pay rent. We've had an agreement where he pays his mortgage (about $750 monthly) and I pay for all other housing expenses (utilities, groceries, cleaning service, which is about $650 monthly). He says he is "joking," but his comments about "financially supporting" me have hit a nerve. IDK if I am just being overly sensitive and overreacting. Thoughts?
Submitted November 06, 2019 at 07:20PM by LL384 https://ift.tt/33p4aa1
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