I (24F) have longtime obsession with wanting to be “beautiful”. Its ruining my well-being and intra/interpersonal relationships. Is there any way to change this once and for all?

I know there are people who have real problems to deal with so I understand if my issue sounds petty. But that’s exactly why I desperately want to change. I want to be grateful for what I have and just be care free. This will be a long read because I’ve never talked about this to anyone so I apologize.

I’m F 24 years old (from U.S). While I’m not at all materialistic or narcissistic or shallow, for as long as I can remember I’ve had self image issues. No one in my family put it in my head that my worth comes from my beauty so I truly don’t know why I feel that it does. Although there are moments in my childhood that stuck with me like the time my best friends mom was a little tipsy at a party and basically said shes grossed out by short people..no joke. Or even a few years ago when I was at a bar on NYE and some random guy who I guess was with his gf patted my head as I was walking by..

When it comes to other women I find that kindness and confidence is what makes them beautiful so it’s not like I hold others to the same standard. I was teased as a kid for my appearance. I was the only middle eastern girl in a school of blue eyed blondes. (I was hairy had bushy eyebrows really dark circles, short) I remember a time where I refused to leave the house because I thought I was too ugly. And while I look very different now I still carry that mentality with me. That I’m not pretty enough to do most things or go to certain places. It sounds awful and such a shame but I’m really struggling with this.

I’m short.. 4’10. I guess I’m pretty in the face but being so tiny just ruins it. I don’t feel sexy. I don’t feel strong or powerful. I’m sure the world sees me as weak. And why wouldn’t they? There are 11 year olds who are taller than me. I never wear flats. I love having fun with clothing but I don’t see the point in dressing well anymore. My personal style is now built around ways to look taller and avoid those things that “petite women shouldn’t wear”. I’m going to a concert with a friend and as I was thinking of what to wear I just realized that nothing will make me attractive. And it doesn’t help that my friend is really tall and pretty so it just highlights my flaws when I’m next to her. I honestly want to cancel.

I’m tearing up as I write this because I realize that even though I’ve made a lot of progress in my life dealing with clinical depression—this has still followed me into adulthood. This is something I never truly addressed. And I should because it cannot be normal to not travel solo or go to a club/party/beach etc etc, because I’m too short or not pretty enough. It’s absurd. Before I met my bf and I was on tinder, I wouldn’t bother meeting with most guys because I thought that once they saw I was short they wouldn’t be attracted to me anymore. (You can’t really tell in pictures). I often fantasize what it would be like to be as beautiful as some of the women I see, and how different my life would be. I can’t stop thinking that my life would be better if I was taller. It’s so embarrassing.

I’m grateful that there are more women in the media who don’t conform to beauty standards, like Emma chamberlain for example. I never knew how badly I needed to see that because growing up it was pretty much just barbies on tv.

How do I change? I have zero social media so it’s not like that’s making it worse. Will this go away if I become more successful and find my self worth in something else? I desperately wish I had a female mentor to knock some sense into me so I don’t waste so much of my life being insecure. I’d appreciate any help. Thank you for reading ❤️

TL;DR self esteem issues and obsession with wanting to be beautiful is holding me back in life.

Submitted August 24, 2019 at 07:38PM by expert__escapist https://ift.tt/2ZiPVG3