Boyfriend [27M] wants to record our arguments to prove when something has/hasn't been said. I [27F] hate the idea. What now?

Together almost 4 years, living together, have a dog.

I would say that overall we have a good relationship but like any couple we do tend to bicker over little things here and there. In the last few months a new trend has been emerging in our arguments where we disagree about what has been said within the argument. He was initially saying things like "I wish I could record our arguments so you could see what you're saying" but this has actually progressed to him seriously suggesting we record the argument.

This last weekend we had friends over. We were introducing our dog to our friends' dog for the first time. We were a little worried about the dogs making noise as new neighbors just moved in next door and we live in a town house.

I was a little frustrated over the course of the weekend as I felt I had done the bulk of the hosting duties. On the second night friends were there, I went to bed around midnight. At around 3 AM my boyfriend comes to bed and I say "I did everything tonight so can you take the dog out". I was half asleep and did not say it kindly. I will also admit I did not express any hints I was frustrated until that moment, so I didn't give him a chance to do anything until then. He gets quite upset at the comment. Ultimately he actually starts recording the ensuing argument. He did ask before recording, so I was aware it was being done. I didn't really feel like I could say no.

I get very upset by this because he starts talking to me in a very cold/calculated tone like he's expecting this recording will be heard by anyone else but us two. I have parents that went through a very ugly divorce and it almost felt like this was his ammo to, I don't know, use against me? I say he's not going to have a girlfriend if he records our arguments, which was pretty uncool as it was just a threat and not productive either. I admit fault for that. I was upset. We eventually just go to bed.

In the morning he wakes up and I tell him what I said here about feeling uncomfortable about the recordings, being a bit more sensitive because of divorce stuff, and I ask him to delete them. He does delete them and apologizes, but he does still believe it wasn't inappropriate to record the argument, because, according to him, I often say he hasn't apologized or said the right thing in an argument even though he swears he has.

I told him I feel that we are a TEAM and that we should work together in arguments to solve the issue at hand and that recording our arguments feels very "me vs. you" and I don't see it as productive.

On the flip side, I totally understand his perspective. It is totally possible I am grilling him for not saying sorry in arguments when he has already said he is sorry. Even if that is true, I would rather me try to consciously work on being more attentive to what is said than to record the arguments. The whole deal to me was super alarming. He doesn't seem to see the issue as much.

He did apologize for recording and I also apologized for my tone in the argument, not asking for help with hosting duties sooner and for threatening him with a breakup. Things went right back to normal and it essentially seems forgotten. I just worry that this comes back in our next argument. He apologized for upsetting me with taking the step of recording, but was adamant about feeling that it wasn't inappropriate.

I did some searching on reddit and there are other posts saying there is merit to recording conversations as it would show couples a more unbiased view of how the arguments go down. I still feel so uneasy about it. It feels really like a move two people that love each other shouldn't take. Am I being overly sensitive?

TLDR Boyfriend wants to start recording arguments so we can be more clear about what was said. I hate the idea and feel very uncomfortable. What are other options? Am I unreasonable or is he?

Submitted July 05, 2019 at 03:32PM by lills_ https://ift.tt/2xviZJR