Wife [39f] refuses any effort in our intimacy and I'm [37m] starting to resent her. How do I move forward?

Hi all, My wife and I have been married for 14 years and together nearly 20. We have mid-teens kids and overall a stable relationship and loving family home.

The problem is our intimacy and sex life, specifically the lack of effort within it. We have sex twice a month on average. She claims to have periods which last 2 weeks from the initial "due on" to "finished" and during this time she refuses any contact. In the 2 weeks a month she is willing, it is only ever on a weekend of a morning; never evenings and never twice in the same weekend. She basically rejects me at any other time of the week and it's more like we're roommates.

I am much more loving and romantic than she is and we've agreed this many times before. She doesn't need the closeness I do. We rarely cuddle and when we do her arms hang by her sides and I feel like I'm cuddling an unwilling person. I buy her gifts and flowers regularly and go out of my way to make her happy, day in, day out, even at the sacrifice of my own happiness. I always put her first; I feel it is my duty as she is my wife.

On birthdays etc I buy/create her special and/or unique gifts which I have put time and effort into. In life, she often tells me her friends say she is very lucky to have me. She tells me she knows she is and appreciates all I do, big or small, yet I don't feel like anything is appreciated and she is totally selfish in terms of our marriage. I feel constantly rejected and taken for granted.

When it comes to the kids she is a wonderful mother. She does everything she can for them to make them happy and safe. She's previously said once she's finished investing in them she has no energy left for us. This means anything I want, even as simple as a cuddle I have to chase for and when she does, it's a tick box effort.

We literally have no intimacy outside of the brief sex sessions which are always undertaken with purpose, with little foreplay or closeness, and when it happens, as soon as she has cum she is pushing me to hurry up and is then out of bed and getting on with the day. So she only really cares enough to see to her needs.

I've read many forums, advice sites etc, tried things like romantic meals and date nights but she pre-empts these with statements like "just because we're going out doesn't mean you're getting anything later". We get home, she goes straight to bed and if I make an attempt she always gets the hump. I don't even bother asking any more as that's what she wants, but she doesn't initiate either.

I've tried lots of "tactics" including pushing the matter, backing off, talking, writing letters and none of it works. If I back off weeks can go by with no change. Occasionally she will say "I know I need to make more effort and I will" but she never does. It has been like this since the kids were born.

I have asked her to attend counselling with me but she says "there's nothing to discuss. This is your issue".

Furthermore, I have a pantyhose fetish (her wearing) and she absolutely refuses to indulge me in it. She also won't wear any kind of lingerie, ever, so I never even bother to ask now. I can't even get her to engage in a basic level of intimacy so this is never going to happen! She is not overweight, and is genuinely a very attractive lady. She doesn't like herself but even when she goes on diets etc and reaches her targets she's not satisfied. My friends say I'm punching above my weight and I have questioned many times if she genuinely finds me attractive. She insists she does, but I wonder if she is attracted to the safety of our home and marriage rather than me.

When the kids were young she used them as a reason to reject me (tiredness etc). Now they're older she uses her job. I've never cheated and don't want to, yet when this comes up in conversation if I'm trying to explain how I feel I'm being patient, she says in a cocky manner, "yeah cos you know what's good for you". She seems to be comfortable as if she is getting exactly what she wants and needs and doesn't care how I feel.

I'm fed up and starting to hate her for it, which is probably unfair as I think there is an underlying reason she is behaving like this. Or maybe its just who she is... Maybe I'm being manipulated and can't see it? But is it right for me to think that?

Whatever happens, I always end up feeling like I'm being unreasonable, and my requests and expectations are out of order; that's how she makes me feel.

We talk, and nothing changes.

How do I move forward from here please? Thanks

TLDR: Wife not intimate/loving, says its not her issue. I feel rejected and just want to feel loved.

Submitted June 23, 2019 at 02:15PM by throwaway2019abc123 http://bit.ly/2WWilj7