Warning: this is looooooong.
I’ve been with my husband for nearly 10 years, since we were early 20’s and yesterday he admitted he had a one night stand with a girl he met in a club.
In the interest of complete transparency here, our marriage hasn’t been great lately (it’s not been awful though either), we’ve become complacent and a bit boring, existing as a couple rather than truly living as one. We’re still having sex at least twice/three times a week, even if I’m not in the mood we’ll do other acts to satisfy him (he has a very high sex drive) and whilst I thought we were a bit “blah” lately I put it down to us being together 10 years and just letting general life get in the way of our relationship. Both of us are equally to blame for this slump.
Two weeks ago today, I was at a concert with my friends having the time of my life. We had moved away from our hometown but were both back for a weekend out with friends. My husband was out with his friends in a different town that night, due to be staying at his best friends house and I knew he was very drunk, his texts to me were complete gibberish but this is normal for him, he has a wild party side and only drinks to get very, very drunk. He doesn’t do it a lot and I’ve never had an issue with him letting off steam with his friends before. As a side note, the best friend he was out with cheated on his wife after a year of marriage and has bounced from relationship to relationship since - cheating on them, always texting other girls and generally being an asshole to women. I’ve always been hesitant for him to go out with this friend because their nights out have ended in trouble before. My husband admits that when he’s out with this friend, he makes bad decisions that he wouldn’t normally make with other friends.
Around 2am I was texting my husband, he tells me he’s at his friends new girlfriends house and they’re having drinks. This is fine, I’m not a wife who doesn’t let my husband speak to other women, or demands he be home at a certain time. I ask him what time he’s picking me up in the morning (I was staying at my best friends house and he was meant to pick me up the next morning to take us to see my parents and grandparents) and he says he’ll see me at around 9am.
The next morning I text him at 10am as I’ve not heard anything but after his texts last night I imagine he’s just waiting to sober up before driving. I get no reply. I try calling, his phone goes straight to voicemail. I message the friend he’s with, no reply to that either. Eventually I call his friend and he puts me on the phone to my husband. He’s still at the girlfriends house, and his phone is out of battery. I don’t bat an eyelid at this, I presume he’s stayed over because his friend wanted to be with his girlfriend instead of going back to his house. I ask what time he’ll be picking me up and he doesn’t even know what time it is now, I tell him it is 11am and he is shocked, he’s just woken up and doesn’t think he’s sober enough to drive yet. My husband usually wakes up around 7am every day, regardless of whether he’s been out drinking, and for him to be a) still sleeping at 11am and b) still blowing high numbers on the breathalyser makes it very obvious he was drinking until the early morning. He says it was a great night, he’s accidentally broken his glasses and that he drank 2 bottles of wine, countless cocktails and vodka, and got into the whiskey after leaving the club and going to his friends girlfriends house (no wonder he couldn’t drive until 1pm!!). We text for a bit, I tell him my dad is going to pick me up and I’ll meet him back at my dads house once he’s sober enough to drive.
He arrives around 2pm and heads straight for the shower, he’s a bit quiet but I presume that’s the hangover kicking in and that he’s feeling rough. Over that day and night he’s behaving very strange, very quiet and doesn’t talk much to me, my parents or my grandparents who we visit later in the day. Once again, I presume it’s the hangover from hell and don’t question it.
The next day we go to a cabin for a week as a “staycation”, he’s generally ok for the first few days, he drinks A LOT during these days and puts away multiple bottles of wine on two nights, and nearly a whole bottle of vodka on the third night but is still in a good mood. We have oral sex and penetrative sex (unprotected as I’m on the contraceptive pill, this is important later). Towards the half way point he starts to get moody and withdrawn, saying he’s not enjoying the holiday and that he wants to go home. I agree because I’ve come down with an awful cold and can’t get off the sofa for any longer than 5 minutes. We head home 2 days early and life is normal for the next week, we have work and get on well.
This Thursday we have sex, I’ve not been feeling great due to the cold but on Thursday the fog is lifting and we get intimate, once again no protection as I’m on the pill. On Friday morning, we go to work and my husband is going out that night with work friends so won’t be home until later. I agree I’ll pick him up and tell him to text me when he’s ready to come home. At 10pm I collect him and once again he’s very drunk, he goes to bed and completely conks out. This is the part I’m not proud of...
I knew something has been weird since that night he went out with his friends. He’s been running a lot, going to the gym and generally trying to be out the house as much as possible. I didn’t expect he’d cheated but I wanted to put my mind at rest so I look through his phone. Major red flag - he’s deleted his what’s app chat with the best friend he was out with. He doesn’t delete WhatsApp chats, EVER. This puts me on high alert as I’m not sure why he’d delete that chat if it didn’t contain evidence of something he didn’t want me to know (I have all his passwords to his phone, as he has mine but we’re not a couple that needs to check all the time as I thought we had complete understanding that cheating was a dealbreaker for both of us). So I check his actual messages, nothing in there. My husband has a habit of accidentally screenshotting his phone screen when he doesn’t mean to (half his pictures are genuinely screenshots of texts, or webpages that he’s accidentally screenshot whilst using his phone). So I decide to see if he’s accidentally screenshot the WhatsApp chat he deleted with his friend. He hasn’t but I do find something that makes my heart drop to my stomach.
I find a picture of an email to a girl called Lisa (not her real name), sent 2 days after this night out. In this email he says “sorry for rushing off on Sunday morning, that’s not the way I’d liked to have ended the night” and “hope you had a good night, it was very good”. He’s obviously emailed her and taken a picture of this to send to his friend. He’s used his work email because he knows it doesn’t flash up on his phone like texts or WhatsApp.
I find more emails, she’s responded saying it was a good night but nothing more incriminating. I found the email from him to his friend asking for Lisa’s email address as he “hated rushing off like that and he wanted to apologise”. Finally, I find an email from that very night, two hours before he was picked up by me saying “I just wanted you to know I think you’re absolutely stunning and I hope to see you again” followed by another email 30 minutes later saying “like really fucking hot”. That’s it. He has definitely cheated on me.
I wake him up and ask him if he slept with Lisa. He says no, repeatedly, and I start screaming at him to tell me because I’ve seen the emails and I know he’s done it. He admits it, he slept with another woman and my heart shatters on the spot. I let out the most animalistic noise I’ve ever heard and didn’t think was possible for myself to make. I demand he gets out of bed now and tell me everything.
Over the next 9 hours I hear how he met her at 1am in the club, and the “chemistry” they had was undeniable, he knew they were going to fuck that night because he fancied her more than me and that he didn’t think of me, or the fact he was married, at all whilst he was fucking her. He fucked her without a condom, she gave him a blowjob and he performed oral sex on her as well (hence why I am now having to go to the sexual health clinic to make sure I haven’t caught anything). He lied about using a condom 5 times before he admitted he didn’t use one (which to me is an ultimate lack of respect for me, when I could have caught an STI he decides to put himself first and try to bullshit me about having a condom in his wallet - I’ve been with this dumbass for 10 years, he’s never had a condom in there!). He blamed my weight and my anxiety for our marriage troubles (I’ve had severe anxiety issues for the last 2 years and he has never offered an iota of support, which he did admit to. I’ve put on 2 stone in the time we’ve been together - he has put on 4 stone in the same time!!) and that he’s not been happy for 6 months (news to me!). He says he was unhappy at the cabin because of the fact he cheated that night and that he drank so much to get his mind off it. He doesn’t want a divorce, he loves me but knew the minute he did it that I was going to leave him. At first he was petulant and seemed bored by the conversation (possibly alcohol induced at that time) but by the end he was sobbing as much as me. He knows he has fucked up and can’t give me any other reason than “I just really fancied her and she really fancied me” for taking a sledgehammer to our marriage. The final nail is the coffin for me was realising he’d sent the email to her apologising for rushing off WHILST SITTING NEXT TO ME. Worst of all he actually said “I almost told you that first night in the cabin” but instead he sent her than email and decided to take a risk I wouldn’t find out about any of this. The last emails about how he hoped to see her again were 2 hours before I picked him up that very night. He hadn’t text me at all that night, I clearly was not on his mind at all.
This man, I loved him from the moment we got together. I sang his praises to everyone, I supported him through job loss, two master degrees, a car crash and paid for nearly everything for the best part of 8 years. I gave him everything I have, mentally, physically and financially. I knew the marriage wasn’t as good as it had been but I don’t believe we were not in love. I don’t believe he was sex deprived. I think he wanted someone to make him feel like I did, 10 years ago before real life bills, stress, jobs, pets, etc got in the way and he wasn’t my sole focus day in day out.
I am 48 hours now from the moment I found out and currently am feeling extremely numb. There is no pain, only emptiness. I have used the word “gut wrenching” very flippantly in the past, but after feeling like someone was ripping every organ in my body out my throat yesterday I now know the true meaning of that phrase. I wanted to lie on the floor because the pain was too much but I knew if I did I’d never get up, so I kept fucking standing.
Every piece of my body wants to hold him and tell him it’s going to be ok, he was my best friend and I truly saw us being together forever. My brain however is trying to remind me of the fact he emailed her wishing to see her again, he barely apologised throughout our whole conversation, and he didn’t promise it would never happen again (when I asked him if he could ever say he’d never do it again his answer was - and I swear to god this is verbatim - “well I won’t be out in town he met her in any time soon” ... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! That’s your answer to that question?!).
For the first time in 10 years I have decisions to make, by myself. I have no idea what I’m going to do with my (unwanted) fresh start at life. I am 30 in 5 months and am devastated my best friend isn’t going to walk into my third decade with me. My family have been amazing thus far and say they support whatever I want. I’ve not told my friends yet and am too humiliated to right now, but I know they will be right behind me too.
The next few weeks (months??) will be tough, and I really hope that in the darkest moments I remember that this isn’t my fault, I didn’t deserve this and I don’t have to let this define the rest of my life.
It’s really, really fucking shit though.
TLDR: my husband cheated on me, aka - how to wreck a marriage in just 3 hours!
Submitted June 23, 2019 at 06:56PM by curlygirld http://bit.ly/2KAmPKg
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