My (31F) husband (32M) and I sometimes miss the mark when it comes to emotional communication. I'm not sure how to accurately articulate my feelings in a way that he will understand what I need from him when I am upset when even I don't know what I need from him.

My husband and I have a wonderful relationship. Truly. I'd do anything in the world for him, and him for me. We agree on the big stuff, and even most of the small stuff, and generally communicate very well. We don't beat around the bush most of the time, and are typically able to communicate issues with one another when they arise.

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Something that I have struggled with recently, though, and something that I've struggled with in the past, is our emotional conversations. For instance, there was a conversation that was had a few days ago in which I was extremely emotional about some family issues. I was talking through these facts and feelings with him, and was coming to some big realizations about my views and family that I had never really said out loud before. It was hard to even say some of the stuff aloud (that issue is for another day), but I did it, and noted that it felt like a big deal to say those things and to put so many things together to get to that point.

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My husband was listening the entire time. He is truly an incredible listener. But it sometimes stops there, especially when it comes to the big, emotional stuff. He listened intently, and after I talked through the issues, I was really met with... well, nothing. Basically just silence. I know in these situations that he truly doesn't know what to say; he's not going to say bad things about my family, of course, and I respect that. But I really need more from him. I need some kind of acknowledgement of what I just said and felt. I need more than silent stares that are followed up with an "I love you" after about 10 minutes, and eventually followed with sitting in silence for half an hour with him scrolling through his phone and me staring at the wall.

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The problem in this situation is quite obvious--I should communicate to him that I need something from him. I need some words (definitely my love language), and I need more than silence and phone scrolling and an "I love you." But the root of the problem is the fact that I don't even know what I need at that point. I don't know what I want him to say, other than I just want him to say something. There's nothing, generally, that can be done in this type of situation in terms of him fixing the problem. And he is certainly a "fixer." If presented with a problem, he wants to find tangible ways to solve the problem. And the issue with fact patterns like the one I've presented is that there is not necessarily a means to solving the problem. So we're met with a stalemate: he wants to solve something that can't be solved, and I want words from him that he can't seem to offer.

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I have to admit at this point that I can be passive aggressive at times. It's something I have recognized about myself for years, and that I truly try to actively stop doing. But sometimes I'm human (well, technically I'm human all the time...I think?), and I just can't. So in the midst of sitting in silence after my audible revelations, I announce I'm going to bed. He asks if I'm "mad at him," or if I "want to talk more." I say "no," of course, and just head off to bed. Am I mad? No... at least I don't think. Do I want to talk more? No... at least I don't think. I need something from him, though. I need anything. And in my emotional vulnerability, I don't want to make the decision regarding what I need at that time; I need him to recognize that I am having some big thoughts, I am overwhelmed, I am upset, and I need him to take the lead here. I don't really care what he does or says, as long as it's not silent phone scrolling.

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I have mentioned this to him before. I've told him I need more in these instances than silence. Yet he always asks me what he's supposed to say, and I always tell him "I don't know." And while he hasn't said this, I think he feels like I am attacking him on a deeper level as a husband when I tell him that I need more from him in these instances. I communicate that this has nothing to do with the quality of our relationship, but is something that we need to work on.
But it still doesn't really work. So we continually have these stalemates when it comes to extremely emotional conversations. And I feel guilty (again, that's a whole other issue for another day) when I can't tell him what I need him to do, so I'm stuck each time these conversations arise. Granted the times I have mentioned this in the past have been in the midst of these emotional conversations, so they haven't been at times in which I am looking at the situation with a clear head and effectively talking him through how I'm feeling.

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I know that, in general, he is not an emotional person. He comes from a lovely family that is happy and well-grounded, yet not always very deep in the grand scheme of things. Deep emotions are not always something thing delve into at all, really. I, however, have always been an emotional person. I'm sensitive and emotional and sometimes even too emotional, and come from a family that is equally sensitive (for better or worse). And deeper, more emotional conversations are things that are important to me--in other words, I need beyond the surface sometimes. Not all day every day, because that's... well, exhausting... but when we get to the deep stuff, I need someone down in the trenches with me who's shoveling their way up alongside me.

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But at this point, I just don't know what to do. This is clearly something that bothers me... hurts me, even. And I know it's not at all something he would ever intentionally do; I know he'd never hurt me like that. But I just don't know how to broach this subject again, and I don't know how to ask for what I need when even I don't know what I need. I see how we are both in the "wrong" (if you can even call it that) here, and that we both need to work on this issue. And I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm not being emotionally supported. But I just don't know what to do here anymore or how to get past the continual stalemates when we're both waiting on the other to tell us what we need. How can I better communicate this issue to him so that we can work on it?

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TL; DR: My husband and I have a great relationship and are generally great communicators. But when it comes to emotional conversations, I need more of a response and acknowledgement from him than he appears able to give. But the root of this issue is the fact that I don't even know what response I want from him, so I have trouble communicating what I need from him.

Submitted June 24, 2019 at 07:53AM by animalcourt http://bit.ly/2LcEFCF