TL;DR: My cat is going through serious health issues and my wife of 11 years has just now told me that she's always been jealous of my cat. I have no idea how to even begin processing this.
Throwaway and names changed, just in case.
So a bit of context: I've had my two cats, Tiny (male) and Cat (female), since they were kittens. They turn 16 at the end of this year.
12 years ago, I moved in with my then-girlfriend, Sara. When I first moved in, it wasn't possible to bring my two cats along due to Sara's lease allowing only one pet. Sara had a cat of her own already named Felix (male). Circumstances in my previous place meant moving in with her was the best option, so I homed my cats temporarily with a couple of friends. Sara and I agreed that we'd find a new place that allowed all three cats to live with us when her lease ended in six months. I viewed it as a way to make sure we were really going to live well together before committing to it. We did hit it off great and then managed to find a place that would allow all three cats. We all moved in together, it seemed like Sara really loved my cats (she hadn't met them before because we started out as a LDR), and I already loved her cat because he's really sweet. Best of all, the three cats got along immediately.
Since then, all five of us have lived together. I never figured there was any problem between Sara and my cats. Tiny is a lover who gets along really well with everyone. Sara hangs out with him on the couch all the time and cuddles with him and Felix in bed. Cat is a one-person cat who can get along okay with people but is really bonded with me. I talk to her a lot because she talks back (I think she's a Siamese mix). She's skittish and takes a long, long time to build up trust with other people. Over the years, she's gotten along pretty well with Sara. Sara had expressed some frustration with how difficult she finds it to bond with Cat the way she has with Tiny, but it was only a passing comment (I thought), and it was years and years ago. I tried to offer suggestions, and I thought that settled everything. Until yesterday.
Cat started having some serious medical problems a couple weeks ago. We took her to the vet and they told us she's not likely to live more than a few more months. I've admittedly been a bit of a wreck since then. I've been spending a lot of time just cuddling with her and petting her and just being with her. Sara and I have talked about options and end-of-life plans for her and it's been really emotionally exhausting.
Last night, Sara tried to initiate sex. We haven't had sex in two weeks and I knew we could both use the distraction. We were both getting into it when I heard Cat yowling downstairs. Admittedly it's not unusual for her to yowl like that, but I panicked and stopped and ran down to make sure she was okay. (She was.) When I came back upstairs, Sara was laying in bed facing away from the door. I asked if she was okay and she just kind of grunted. I apologized about freaking out and told her Cat was fine, and she didn't say anything. I thought maybe Sara was just a bit freaked out by me freaking out so I let it be and got into bed. After a few minutes, Sara started crying. I asked if she was okay again and it all just came out. She said she's shaken up because she's always felt like she's competed with Cat for my attention. She thinks I treat Cat differently than her, and she's lived with it for 12 years but now Cat being sick has made it unbearable. I asked if she seriously thought I loved Cat more than her, and she said, "I don't know." She said she realizes it sounds crazy but it's how she feels.
I'm still in shock I guess. We left it last night at saying we should be more open about things like this but now I don't know what to think or do. I'm actually a little pissed that she would bring this up right now when there's so much already going on. It feels like she's been lying to me this whole time. But I'm also scared I missed the signs so I've been going back through the last 12 years wondering when it happened.
Has anyone had something like this happen to them? Is there any way to move past it?
Yes, Sara is in therapy (for unrelated reasons). I'm scared to ask her to bring this up with her therapist because I don't want to make her feel like I'm just brushing her off.
Submitted June 04, 2019 at 01:37PM by tossobosso http://bit.ly/2WIWTlE
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