TLDR: I have a great relationship with my girlfriend almost all of the time, except when I'm driving and she's constantly backseat driving which is slowly driving me nuts, eventually making me snap. We've talked about it, but it keeps happening and since I think she'll always do it to some extent, how can I learn to be more patient with it?
Long story: My girlfriend will constantly tell me what is happening and/or what to do on the road while I drive, at the same time that I've seen it and that I plan on acting on it.
For example, the exact second that the light turns green, she will tell me that the light is green. The second there is a car in front of me slowing down to turn left, she will tell me to go to the right lane, because the car in front of me is turning left. And so on. She is telling me these things just as I'm about to react to things that I've already seen myself and was planning on doing safely (for example: I will NOT switch lane without first checking my blind spot for incoming cars/cyclists and turning my signal).
Her comments are not a regarding safety issues like missing a stop sign, they're just routine comments on driving and it's constantly interrupting the flow of conversation.
I genuinely do think I'm a good driver - no accidents no tickets, no close-calls, and I'm not getting honked, so I don't think it's my driving at issue. I've talked about it with her - she does think I'm a good driver, but she says she comments while I drive because she's "trying to be helpful". Except it doesn't help me, it just stresses me out. She has her own car too, and when she drives, I virtually never comment on her driving, so it's not reciprocal.
I've tried to stay receptive and accept it, but eventually I've snapped, and it's putting a stain on the relationship. Example:
Me: [Telling random story about what happened the last few days.]
Her: Left on the next street.
Me: Thank you.
Her: You can turn right on red.
Me: Yup, thanks.
Her: The lanes are merging.
Me: I know.
Her: There are two lanes again.
Me: Yup!
Her: Light's green.
Me: Thanks.
Her: Go to the right lane!
Me: I can go straight on this lane.
Her: But the car in front is turning left!
Me: I know it's turning left, can I please focus on my driving??
Her: I WANT you to focus on driving!
Me: Why don't you just let me drive - I didn't need to switch to the right lane, and was going to do so anyways, when it was safe because I was making sure that the cyclists we just passed weren't taking the whole right lane, that's all!
Her: Why are you snapping at me, I'm just trying to be helpful!!
Me: I'm not snapping at you, I'm just explaining why I did not switch the the right lane at the exact second.
Her: Then why is your voice pitch elevated?
Me: Okay so you're not interested in the story I was saying, that's fine. Just let me drive. Thanks.
Her: silence treatment for several minutes.
Me: What's wrong?
Her: We'll talk about it when I get home.
And then at home of course the only problem is that I "snapped" when she was trying to be "helpful", and that I'm making such a big deal of her trying to be helpful and not appreciating it. I said I'm sorry for snapping, and asked her to please wait two seconds when she has helpful "advice" for me on the road before actually giving me the advice so that I actually have time to react before hearing her advice - but it keeps happening. Ultimately, I also need to be more patient about receiving unsolicited advice and comments on my driving.
Do you have advice, Reddit? How can I become more patient? Or do you have any other suggestions?
Thank you!
Submitted June 16, 2019 at 04:33AM by gapagos http://bit.ly/2XTMWis
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