My SO and I have been together for six years, lived together for four and have a strong, communicative relationship. We have a lot of fun, we know each others (different) love languages and try to accommodate. We're very different, but that's what works for us because we complement each other. Generally, we don't fight much. So right now is our biggest fight so far and it's worrying me and I don't know what to do.
Early on in the relationship we discussed marriage. My SO is opposed to marriage (feels too religious). Having nothing formal in writing was a dealbreaker to me (both for practical and emotional reasons), so we agreed that, once the time was right, we would go for registered partnership. I feel like that was a good middle ground. During the relationship, seeing people around me get married, I was a bit hurt by the fact that I'd never have a proposal, never have a ring to wear, never walk down the isle and being given away by my dad, never wearing a white dress, etc. (these were all things he was not open to in "modifying" our registered partnership), but it was still more important to me to be with him than have these one-time things.
One thing that my SO has is that he has major issues with making (big) decisions. In our relationship, I'm very much a planner and researcher, I tend to get an idea, search it in and out for weeks/months, and make a quick and certain decision. If I get an idea/decision coming up, I have to plant the seed in his head, remind him and talk to him about it every once in a while for a couple of months, so he can get used to the idea/plan, and then in a few months he can either make a yes/no decision. This has not caused serious problems, but some minor annoyances for me (since I'm usually ten steps ahead of him) with for instance; housing, pets, furniture, etc. However, it's not really a "partnership" either in making decisions that have consequences for us both.
I think you can guess where this is going. This is what's going on now. I'm ready to start the process for getting a registered partnership, we're six years in, we want to start looking at buying a house next year or so, it's about time. So a few months ago, I planned the seed, thinking he'd agree quite swiftly since we've discussed this earlier in the relationship and on multiple occasions since then. However, as push comes to shove he's so much on the fence about it it's driving me insane. He agrees it's important to do for practical reasons (if something happens to one of us) but he feels like it's this MAJOR MASSIVE BIG decision that he cannot possibly make in god knows how much time. A few days ago we had a evening-long discussion and he finally agreed with me on a date (month/next year) in which he would be comfortable setting the step to get registered partnership. I felt elated, it kinda felt like I got "engaged".
Today we're meeting up with friends, and I gently asked if I could tell them about it, and he refused. He said this particular friend gives "unsollicited advice" and he's afraid to be put on the spot and yada-yada. How can you be put on the spot when you already agreed to do it? I'm just.. I don't know. This is driving a wedge between us. I feel like I gave up so much I really wanted (marriage, ring, wedding, dress, walking down the isle, engagement) and he's even pulling the fun out of the only thing I will have (registered partnership). I want him to WANT to do this with me, as partners. I don't want to pull it out of him. I know he's not uncertain about doing it with ME and he said he also doesn't feel pressured, he's just SO BAD with making a final decision that this is what's going to tear us apart. What the hell do I do? Do I plan a few sessions with a relationship therapist to help us figure this out?
TL:DR SO won't pull the plug on getting registered partnership or not and it's driving me insane. I don't feel valued or excited, and while I know mentally that he wants it and he says so, it sure doesn't feel that way. What do I do?
Submitted March 02, 2019 at 06:59AM by ConsciousAside https://ift.tt/2SDSM4f
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