Bf (28m, dating 1.5yr) used to do the dirty with Sally (30sF). She sent him dirty texts after we started dating. Now they are "just friends" and call each other every month or two...when I'm (29f) gone. Trying to keep the trust going but it's eating at me. How do I talk about this with him?

My boyfriend (Tom, 28m) met a traveling nurse (Sally, mid-late 30s) on bumble in Arizona before he moved to Oregon and met me. They hooked up a few times and she became infatuated with him. After he moved to OR, she had fabricated a lie that she was going to visit a friend in the same city and asked to visit with him. He said yes and then she didnt leave his house for a week. She started getting jealous of other girls and tried to force a relationship on him. He said that he wasn't interested in dating her and she went home, but they continued to talk, saying how much they missed each other and cared for each other. They would send nudes and flirty texts and it lasted until he started dating me.

Now, the problem is that 4 months into our relationship we were going through a rough patch. He thought he might have to move away for work and started acting extremely secretive and weird. I checked his phone* and saw sexual texts between the two of them. I also saw that when our rough patch was over he stopped sending her sexual texts (eggplant emojis, "I looked through all those [naked] photos you used to send me" you're looking so good") but she continued. He would shut her down but she would still say things like "I made myself cum thinking about you last night." Now, since I didnt know that she even existed (what happens with other women before he met me is not really my business) I confronted him about it. He told me the story in my first paragraph see above), and I told him that I was very much not ok with dating someone who seeks out other women when we are going through rough patches. I dont care if we are talking about separating, you wait until we actually break up before you start testing the waters with other women. Also, I do not want a woman in my life who knows that he is in a relationship and is still sending these kind of texts. I incorrectly assumed that because I put my foot down he would break contact with her. We almost broke up about this but I thought we came to an understanding.

FAST FORWARD TO 1 YEAR LATER. His phone rings next to me while he is in the next room and it's Sally. I let it go to voicemail and got one of those gut feelings so I did the thing*. Well the texts are no longer sexually charged, but it is a lot of I miss you, I miss hearing your voice, and when are you free to talk on the phone. Tom talks to her on the phone every month or two and about who knows what. I, naturally, bring it up because I was under the impression we weren't speaking with her anymore. He said that she is one of the few people who truly cares about him and who he is comfortable talking to. That people make mistakes and he doesn't cut contact with people if they fix their behavior. He promises that there is nothing sexual between the two of them and that I need to trust him. He says that she was just looking for a husband and baby maker at the time and that she has a bf now who fills that role. That he is capable of separating friends from sexual partners. That she truly cares about his happiness and well being. So these things make sense, and then I feel bad for accusing him of cheating, even emotional cheating. But then why the secrecy? Why do they talk when I'm not home? Why do I still have a gut feeling about this one?

I want people to tell me I'm overreacting and that there is nothing wrong about this. I want people to tell me that I need to trust my partner and that this lady is his friend. But if it is not me, if this is his bad. How do I bring it up? How do I talk to him calmly, and what do I say to facilitate an actual discussion? What do I say to make him understand that his friendship with Sally isn't the happy, healthy one he wants it to be?

*I am going to add a disclaimer that I do not condone the use of phone checking or nanny girlfriending. However, when my partner starts acting secretive, starts guarding their phone (like super sneaky), or their behavior suddenly changes for the worse, I will first try to communicate and i will check if there is a holiday or bday coming up. If repeated communication doesnt work, I will check the phone. I dont want to wait until I physically catch someone cheating or get an STD. Also, if they are suicidal or partaking in illegal activities, I want to know sooner rather than later.

TL;DR: Bf used to do the dirty with Sally. She sent him dirty texts after we started dating. Now they are "just friends" and call each other every month or two...when I'm gone. Trying to keep the trust going but it's eating at me. How do I talk about this with him.

Submitted February 28, 2019 at 02:49PM by biglifequestions1234 https://ift.tt/2Ujycb3