previous post
I'm home for the Christmas break and before I left I decided to take a break from the relationship. I'm so glad I made a post here because I had each one of this community's concerns in the back of my mind when we were talking. I'm not crazy, I know what happened, it happened again in the time between this post and the last, and it will continue to happen unless I leave. I told him I get that we started as a casual BDSM encounter, but him using BDSM as a guise for his true aggression towards me was not ok (i.e. choking me out repeatedly without my express permission beforehand, usually so when he was frustrated with me). I told him that infantilizing me was not acceptable. I told him that the repetitive disrespect of my boundaries was concerning and couldn't happen and he said he could count on one hand the times boundaries were crossed in our relationship. I asked him what he thought an appropriate threshold for these "slip ups" were. All he did was overexplain himself and tell me the exact same thing over and over. I couldn't really look at him.
None of our family knows about it and I'm casually on Tinder for the time being to talk to people. I'm not intending to meet anyone for a while because I'm not ready for that if I'm not ready for therapy. All I know is that my crippling depression and anxiety that felt like a weighted blanket draped over every movement of every day is better. I'm eating healthy and I read through the Bancroft book. My roommate has agreed to switch rooms in my apartment so I don't have a ground level window. I'm packing a box of his things I will probably mail back to him. I'm only concerned about my necklace (Tahitian black pearl choker that my father gave me) which is currently at his apartment. I think I'm going to ask his roommate to bring it or when I go back home I'm going to "run by" and grab it before I take him to work one last time while simultaneously dropping off the box on the way back.
I'm scared. I have no support system where I live full-time. I had keyloggers removed from all of my electronic devices and a GPS tracker removed from my phone. I just feel like I've missed something. I'm scared that I'm going to go back to him, so I've started to keep a journal to remind myself of what has happened and how much better I feel now that I can talk to people. (edit: I also have a sex drive again! I found it incredibly weird because I didn't have a sex drive while taking Wellbutrin before the break and now I'm all good).
And I've realized that my poor social skills are even worse now that I've only talked to one person for almost two years. I'm trying to learn how to talk to people before I start applying to jobs (that also isn't going well).
tl;dr: Thank you. I'm planning to leave my abusive boyfriend because of advice given here and I'm doing much better. Still trying to work out how to exchange items and haven't finalized it yet bc I don't want him to explode.
Submitted December 27, 2018 at 12:52PM by relationsthrwawa http://bit.ly/2rZSJVg
No comments:
Post a Comment