My ex-BF (37, M) of 3.5 years could not commit to me (34F) as he wanted me to be fitter to match his level. But he didn't want to breakup either. I had to end it. Now, I have difficulty coping.

Hi everyone,

I created a post some days ago about how my BF was ambivalent about commitment, even though he said he loves me and cares about me. He was ambivalent because he thought I was not as fit as I could (even though I followed him on uphill mountain hikes whenever he asked me to). He was worried that he will miss out on the activities he wanted to do due to my fitness not being enough. He said that I may not be able to handle chasing after kids due to my fitness. He said I did not try enough and I could do better. I did enjoy the nature and the challenge of uphill, but every time he pushed me too much, to go faster and for longer than I could. He compared me to other hikers who he deemed as more fit, even the children. And that made me feel really bad every time.

His requirement for my fitness hurt. Especially since I tried to make him happy by participating in his favourite activities, to the best of my ability. I actively try to take care of my health as well as I can. I eat a strictly healthy diet (which he doesn't), I go everywhere on foot and I'm a healthy weight. I take care of myself as much as I can because I have health problems which I got diagnosed gradually in the span of a year. I have an autoimmune thyroid disease which makes me very tired and heart valve failure which at times makes exercise really hard. Plus a heart conduction anomaly. I also have some kidney problems which don't exactly affect my fitness, but would require frequent checkups in case I get pregnant. And if I got pregnant, I would feel more comfort visiting drs in my home country, because in the current country I speak the language in a very elementary level. He was not supportive about that either.

Anyway. I was really hurt about the fitness requirement. Because there always seems to be a requirement.

Before that, it was that I had to move to a foreign country with him. Which I did, for the sake of our relationship. I never heard a ''thank you'' or anything good about me whatsoever for the one year I've been here. I asked him to tell me something good, a reason for why I'm here. He could only say that he loved me, nothing else came to mind.

At some point he wanted me to drive car or a bicycle because he was eyeing a remote house that he wanted to buy. But he knows I have a road phobia which I have unsuccessfully tried to address in the past. I'm just terrified of the road, and there are some deep reasons behind it.

Now that he forgot about that house, he wants me to get fitter so that he doesn't have to give up his desired lifestyle (of doing high intensity activities on the mountains). Thing is, when he was asking me to move with him, I thought we would live in the city and not on the mountains.

There always seems to be some reason for him being ambivalent. And I couldn't take this anymore.

I want someone who will WANT to be with me even with my problems and limitations. Someone who will be sure about me and appreciate what I have to give. Not someone who immediately absorbs and forgets all the things that I do to make him happy. After these years, he still could not make up his mind. At this point I took it personally.

I have been making arrangements to leave and stop my work activity here. I have also packed my stuff. I have moved everything to a separate room in the house where I also sleep. But it's so hard. He pops in a couple times a day. Asking me if I'm sure it's the right thing to do (YES). If I'm OK (NO). He also looks devastated and hardly eats, but what can I do?

I feel like all my dreams have been shattered at this point. And all those beautiful memories are for the trash. We had planned a trip to my favourite place in the world, and obviously we won't go now. I didn't want to make more good memories with someone who just isn't sure about me. This would only make things harder.

I don't know what I'm asking for in this thread really. Maybe some support, some validation.

TL;DR: I find hard to cope with my breakup. Ex was ambivalent about further commitment due to my medium fitness level, but didn't want to breakup. I moved to a foreign country to be with him, and now I have made arrangements to leave. I won't back out now, but on an emotional level I don't know how to cope.

Submitted November 06, 2021 at 03:19AM by posh_fig https://ift.tt/2ZTYwQy