I [M25] need help coming up with arguments for convincing my mom [F53] to consider putting my two siblings [M22][M16] with severe autism into permanent care homes when one or both of us can’t take care of them anymore.

This is a bit of a long one.

For context, my extended family all hate my mother for marrying a man that they disapproved. Turns out they were vindicated, because my father left us when I was 8. When my youngest brother was diagnosed with severe autism just like my other sibling, he went a for a pack of smokes and never came back. That fucked up me and my mom pretty bad. She developed major trust issues, and well, I stoped being a kid that day.

We got by though. Budget was tight as we lived paycheck to paycheck. I had to grow up pretty fast while forgoing most of the things kids my age do to keep my brothers taken cared of while mom worked. It was a trade off between us, I relied on her and she relied on me. It was rough at some points, we argued, we compromised, often times unfairly in her favor. But we made it work. It was just us getting caring for my brothers without any other help. And it went on like that for over 16 years,

As of Recently, I’d like to say I grew up to a decent man. A bit immature in some ways, but responsible in others. Once I got my engineering degree and a cushy stay at home job, things were looking up.

At least until I started looking towards the future. Queue me trying to find a partner in life to be with. My best friend and Reddit made it pretty clear that it will be difficult to find someone serious to be with because of my situation. It’s not exactly my priority. But it got me thinking. Was our struggle ever going to end?

We are by no means rich now, but atleast we can plan for the future instead of budgeting our next meal. And getting a taste of somewhat normal life made me really sad of all the time I lost. Heck it got really depressed thinking about the future. My mom is getting old and my career is starting to take off. In a few years, maybe a decade or two she’s won’t be able to help take care of my brothers and it will fall on me.

A part of me knows that it’s not selfish to think like this. But I don’t want to do this for the rest of my life. Maybe if I didn’t get a taste of partial normalcy, I wouldn’t even hesitate. But things are different. I’ll do it as long as I can, but the moment it feels like I fully have to give up my life to support my disabled brothers, AND my elderly mother, I think it’ll be time to send brothers to a permanent care home. A proposition she vehemently detests.

Which leads me to my question, what are some arguments that I can tell her for why this is okay? I know what she’ll say, but I want to be completely ready for our talk.

She’s a very emotional person that values me and my brothers way more then herself. She hates the idea of putting my brothers in a care home because of her experience seeing a terrible one back in the Philippines 30 years ago.

If I even mention the thought of a facility to her, she will get very aggravated. She’ll say that I’m being be selfish at first, though both her and I know that she’s doesn’t mean it. Then she’ll pull up some bullshit about god and how he chose us for to weather this trial. I never believed, so I’ll probably deflect to some other argument as to not offend her. Finally she’ll tell me to just pack up my stuff and leave (that’s not an option). She’ll put on a show that she doesn’t need me, but both of us know that she does. She’s always hated herself for never giving me a normal life.

Atleast that’s how I imagine the talk will go. And it’s a talk that needs to be had between us. Because the way I see it, if either of us can no longer provide care, it’s my life that’s going to suck.

So Reddit, give me all your best reasons for why my brothers should be sent to a permanent care home. Give me logical arguments, lists of facts, heck, even emotional arguments.

And before anyone mentions it, NO. I will not just up and leave. Yes it’s my life and I can do what I want. But if I leave, my mother WILL die an early death to stress, and leave my brothers hanging. I can’t do that, I won’t. I want to make things work with my mother because I love her, and I love my brothers. But god dammit! I want to love myself too.

TL;DR: I’m going to have a talk with my mom about OUR plans to place my brothers in permanent care homes. She will hate the idea, and I can’t just leave. So we must, come to an agreement. I need advice for what I should tell her so that we can be in agreement.

Submitted November 06, 2021 at 08:58AM by ThrowAway001747 https://ift.tt/3k7DVzx