Tl;dr - how do I break up with my boyfriend “once and for all” when he emotionally manipulates me into taking him back or rescinding the breakup?
I (35F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (52M) for about 2 1/2 years. We built our relationship on an existing 6+ year friendship, so we already knew each other quite well and cared for each other deeply. We are both neurodivergent and have various mental health issues, and I have a history of abuse that has clouded my ability to “see clearly” in relationships.
We don’t currently live together, but we did try it for about a year before various life circumstances made it make more sense for me to live elsewhere. During the time we were living together, though, it became clear to me how truly emotionally volatile my boyfriend is. I already “knew” that about him, but only while living together did I realize how much more difficult that is to handle in a partner than in a friend. He goes through this cycle where things are fine and great and going smoothly, then life stress starts to build up slowly over the course of a couple of weeks until he “snaps” in some way, either lashing out at me and starting a fight, or having a full-on breakdown, sobbing and nonverbal and nonfunctional.
It’s basically the usual story - when things are good, they are very very good, and when things are bad, they are horrid. When he has these emotional breakdowns, they’re honestly kind of terrifying and overwhelming to deal with and I feel totally unequipped to offer the support he needs and keep him safe. When we fight, though... I don’t even know how to talk about it because it fucks with my head so much.
I have grown aware of the fact that he is manipulative and that he gaslights me when we are fighting. It’s like something I’ve always been vaguely aware of in my periphery that has gradually come into focus. I will start off feeling wronged and somehow come out of it feeling like the perpetrator and apologizing to him for whatever reason. These scenarios always leave me feeling confused about what just happened and also a bit cheated, somehow.
Another thing he does when he gets angry/upset with me is to “cut me off” for some short period of time, hours or days. He will announce that he is ceasing contact, then block me everywhere except email. Sometimes he will also change his locks (I have a key to his house). Sometimes he will make a demand that I have to meet in order to restore contact, such as making a very specific or extravagant apology, or listing all of the ways he has ever helped me.
I know if anyone has read this far, they’re going to tell me to break up with him, because it’s kind of obvious, right?
Here’s my real problem, I think.
I’ve tried breaking up with him several times, and he somehow emotionally manipulates me into changing my mind, or taking it back, or whatever. The most I’ve managed to do is get out from under his roof.
So how do I break up with him and make it stick without pushing him to hurt himself or making something else bad happen?
Okay, Reddit. Please say something. And please be gentle with me.
Submitted June 01, 2021 at 11:56AM by Humanon1717 https://ift.tt/3vKWI7A
No comments:
Post a Comment