Hello.
My current boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year since we were freshmen in college, and consider it an understatement when I say there were tons of fire-hydrant red flags that I chose to ignore. When we met I was going through some stuff in my personal life and turned to validation from others, and my now boyfriend was the first person to give me attention and I latched onto him like a lifeline. I also had trouble setting boundaries for myself and saying "no".
Here are just some of the red flags I chose not to run away from: he would ask for consent but wouldn't accept "no" as an answer; he broke up with his ex-girlfriend 2 weeks (!!!!!) after our first date and didn't bother to tell me about it until months later; he nonchalantly told me that he "didn't do emotional investment".
At the time I stayed in the relationship, even though deep down I knew it was unfulfilling, because I thought that if I didn't date him, nobody else would ever be interested in me. I stayed because of my anxieties and insecurities and because of a crippling fear of being alone, although looking back, I would have been so much happier alone than in that type of relationship.
Point is, I started to see a therapist and made some amazing friends whom I love very much and the combination of that + lots of introspection made me realize, around 6 months ago, that I did not deserve to be in that shitty relationship and in fact, I didn't need a relationship at all to feel fulfilled. So 6 months ago I went over to his flat and told him all of it -- the fact that he had been an emotionally unavailable, boundary-crossing asshat incapable of having even the semblance of a deep conversation and that we needed to break up. (Of course I approached him in a much more civil manner but you get the point). Very unexpectedly, he didn't get defensive at all and after carefully listening to my (45+ minute) monologue he said he needed some space, called a friend to talk, and the next day we met up and he broke down crying, saying he understood he'd been a less-than-ideal boyfriend and he wanted to change.
Legitimately since then he has been trying. He started seeing a therapist, actively unpacking childhood trauma, learning what made him an emotionally unavailable partner, etc. The thing is, throughout the process he has constantly been a sort of emotional vampire. I don't know how to describe it. He acts like a child a lot of the time, emotionally dumping his distress and endless worries on me, leaving me drained. Clearly he still crosses boundaries, but emotional (hope that makes sense?) boundaries.
It has gotten better with time but only after he said or did things that left me hurt/very emotionally drained. This sort of thing hasn't happened in like 3ish months, and although we have been doing long distance for the past month because I'm doing an internship out-of-state, lately our relationship has finally been fulfilling and we have had many long conversations about the emotional vampire-ness of it all. Before I left state he would often feel like my best friend; he actually became a source of emotional support I could rely on.
I think long-distance has helped me see our relationship more objectively, and clearly see the mistakes I made. However, I can't shake the lurking feeling of resentment every time we talk, and because of our messed-up history sometimes very little things cause me to get really angry because of unresolved issues in our past.
It's obviously not just resentment about being an emotional vampire, but the stuff he did early on too: not properly asking for consent and making me feel violated, overlapping relationships (which is just a nicely packaged way of saying cheating - that story is a whole other can of worms) ... and most of all, making me feel like I was not only his girlfriend, but his mom/teacher.
In retrospect, we never should have started dating. I can freely admit that. But one way or another we are here, I can't change the past, and I want to work through this resentment. So this is a very long-winded way of asking: how do you slowly work through resentment you feel over a partner's past actions?
TL;DR - I wound up doing most (if not all) of the emotional labor in our relationship because I didn't know any better. My boyfriend and I finally have a fulfilling relationship but I feel resentment towards him. Wondering how to get through resentment for a partner.
(EDIT: Oops sorry realized I've been replying to people using a different account.... still me!)
Submitted June 01, 2021 at 03:22AM by bougiepeanutbutter https://ift.tt/2Rf2jEa
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