My apologies as I already know this is going to be a long thread. I really appreciate everyone's comments, thoughts, and/or suggestions.
I feel completely lost right now. It all started six years ago when my brother passed away from suicide. It had a huge impact on everyone in my family but especially my dad because he had gotten into an argument with my brother that morning, and he was the one who found him. It's horrifying and I hope no one has to go through what we've been through as a family. My brother was my best friend. My family has completely falling apart because of his death.
So my dad (62M) and my mom (60F) have never had what I would say is a normal relationship. My mom has severe bipolar disorder and although she tries her best, she is often self centered, impossible to talk to, and a huge spender. To give you an example, my mom will accompany me to Staples "to hang out" while I print something for school and leave with $2,000 worth of needless merchandise that I have to pack in the car, after waiting for her for an hour+ to finish shopping. She is impossible to talk to about anything because she can't listen, and instead goes off on tangents about her own life and sometimes tells stories that have nothing to do with what i'm talking about. It's very hard to talk to her about anything so I always opt to speak with my dad or siblings instead. My dad has always been "my rock" growing up and has always been there for me. I can understand why my dad would want to leave my mom because of all these issues.
My parents have been married for 40 years. I know their relationship has had many ups and downs but my brother's death was sort of the breaking point for them (as I hear is common with couples after losing a child). My dad slowly stopped talking to my mom, stopped wanting to be in the same room as her, moved to sleep in a separate room, and was always on his phone. I knew he had grown close to my Aunt so I assumed he was talking to her instead. To take another step back, my aunt is not biologically related to us. She married my Mom's adopted brother (not that being adopted makes any difference but it does in the sense that her children are not biologically related to me). I'm very close with her children and love them very much. They are all teenagers.
My aunt also lost a baby from SIDS 15 years ago when the baby was 3 months old. I feel like my dad and aunt bonded over that shared loss of a child and that's what brought them together. Before Covid hit, my dad sat my siblings and I down and told us that "he still loved mom" but needed time away from her to work on himself and to heal. He didn't say it explicitly, but he inferred that he was suicidal and was in a "really dark place" and needed to be alone. We were 100% supportive of this decision and said we only want the best for him, and for him to try to find some peace and healing after my brother's death. He has been super depressed these passed few years and has changed so much as a person in ways I never imagined - not cleaning himself, not happy at all, not joking around anymore, very quiet at family gatherings when he used to be the center of attention. Although we didn't know it at the time, he had already entered into a relationship with my Aunt at this point and was lying to us about his motivations for leaving. He moved in a condo closer to my aunt's house, too.
My mother has had a really difficult time because she still loves my dad and wants to work things out with him. He's not doing her any favors bc he's not explicitly telling her it's over. He keeps telling her "maybe" they can work things out and that "he's not sure", etc. To dig a little deeper here, it was revealed to us a month ago that my father had an affair with another woman before when we were children and my mom admitted she's not sure if he's had others too but wouldn't be surprised. She said he's a "man of many faults" but that she loves him conditionally and would try to work things out if he agreed to drop my aunt and go to marital therapy with her.
Now, onto my aunt. My aunt either loves you or hates you. It's funny because all of my siblings and I felt the same way about her without openly discussing it together until shit hit the fan - we just don't trust her. My siblings and I worry my aunt is manipulating my dad. He's had other affairs before (as mentioned above) but my aunt is batshit crazy, and it seems like she has her claws in him.....well...especially deep. I have seen her manipulate other people in our family before to get them "on her side" in weird ways. I can go into countless examples but I don't want to write too much here. One example that I find COMPLETELY crazy was when she told me to lie to my husband about using birth control in order to get pregnant. She said: "That's how I got {INSERT HER SECOND CHILD'S NAME}!" Nuts. Abusive. Horrifying.
Well, my aunt has been a total asshole to my mom this entire time, even going back years before we knew they were in a relationship. She sends my mom nasty private messages (that I've read) and ignores her at family gatherings. She then tries to make it seem like my mom is lying and she's being perfectly nice to her. The abuse from my aunt is starting to make my mom symptomatic which I fear could trigger an episode and make her suicidal. My mom has been fairly stable these past 20 years but if she has an episode she always tries to kill herself (it's happened all four times she's had an episode in the past).
I'm afraid both of my parents could commit suicide over this. It's like my siblings and I have to walk on eggshells all the time trying to mitigate damage while being there for our parents, on top of dealing with our own PTSD from our brother's death by suicide.
I'm starting to believe that my aunt is the reason why my dad hates my mom now and has moved out, and that she's also starting to pull him away from his children and grandchildren. Her 18 year old son got his GF pregnant then refused to take responsibility for the baby but my aunt is hosting a baby shower for the ex-GF this September and she invited ALL of the women in my family to it (including my MOM)!! I told her very politely that I couldn't come and sent an expensive car seat because it seemed like the most practical gift. 6 hours later she texted my sister asking some random question and my sister thought it was a good opportunity to mention she couldn't go either. Then my aunt messaged my cousin and asked if she was going and my cousin also said no bc she's out of town that weekend. The next day, I text my dad to tell him I love him and it seems like a fine conversation, then he says out of nowhere "so what's up with you guys and aunt ---?" He wrote that she called him last night crying, saying that everyone said "no thanks" to her in a 45-minute window (not what happened) and that she's convinced we're conspiring against her (??). He said she's sacrificed a lot for us over the years (what??) and that she came to family events even when she felt uncomfortable (WHY? because you were having an affair with my DAD??) and that he felt she was getting a "raw deal" now because of him. He was very accusatory and dropped the convo when I tried to defend myself and explain that I didn't do anything wrong. I'm just in disbelief and I fear she's manipulating him even more than I originally thought.
Another important factor to note is that my dad has a LOT of money. He doesn't flaunt it or spend it, but my dad has millions of dollars to his name. I'm worried she's using him for emotional and financial support and that she's going to make him see us differently over time, and maybe not want to be a part of our lives, and try to marry him for his money. Even worse - GET PREGNANT.
My dad means everything to me. He's come to all my events, supported me through school, talked to me about problems for hours over the phone, he's always been there to help and he's been nothing but a loving, good parent to me ---then my brother died. This is the most hurtful and scary thing I've ever experienced and I don't know what to do to or how to make him realize what a huge mistake he's making.
If he's unhappy with my mom - fine! Move out! Give it some time and find a NORMAL woman. But I fear it's too late.
Also, it's important to note that all my siblings and I sat down to talk to him about our concerns when we found out he was with our aunt, and we vocalized how upset we were that 1. Our aunt has been so cruel to our mom. We made him promise they CANNOT be in the same place together EVER because of it 2. How much we worried this would affect our relationship with our cousins who are already going through so much and 3. How we feared she would MANIPULATE him and take advantage of him. He knows how we feel about this.
Also, I am currently seeing 2 therapists and trying to get some help. I have an amazing husband who is my support person, too.
Phew ok, I feel like that's enough typing for now. Thank you so much for reading through all that! Is there anything I can say/do to help my Dad realize what a huge mistake he's making? To help him get his life back on track? I'm feeling so lost.
TLDR: My dad entered into a relationship with my aunt after my brother passed away and lied to us about it. He's very naive when it comes to women and she's very manipulative. He's already starting to accuse me of weird things and "drama" that I didn't create with my aunt and I feel lost and hopeless to help him. I fear she's manipulating him for his money and emotional support. Please help!
Submitted August 28, 2020 at 10:45PM by throwaway12039439r2 https://ift.tt/3gCdSfi
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