Tl;dr at the end. I'm on mobile, forgive me.
I'm wondering am I just expecting too much? Do long-term relationships just become this? Is it just me that's seeing a problem?
I've (28F) been with my fiancé (32M) for about 6 years now. We have two children, one is from an abusive ex I escaped from.
Our relationship started off nicely, like most do. But slowly I began seeing he didn't have his shit as together as he made it seem. Neither did I though really. But we worked on it together. I'm not denying he's a good person.
As his own life started changing in some negative ways (his own ignorance) and I started being a bit of a bitch temporarily (bad living situation with toxic mom and went through therapy), the honeymoon phase started disappearing. But I kept loving him and being affectionate. I kept wanting to have our lives together and he said he did too.
Fast forward to now. He is emotionless. He still won't communicate with me. Every conversation seems to turn into an argument on his end. He is not affectionate with me. We still have sex maybe every other day. When I try to hug him or kiss him, he makes some excuse like "I'm trying to watch tv, I'm hot, go watch the kids" stuff like that. He's not even affectionate with sex. He hasn't kissed me in..about a year honestly. Not a serious kiss or peck.
All I hear from him is him asking what am I cooking, to handle the kids (I handle the kids 99% of the time), telling me to clean up, set up groceries to get, he seems to only want my opinion on stuff when he needs help with something that he's too lazy to figure out on his own.
He said that I nag, but he's saying that my nagging is when I'm trying to tell him that I feel neglected or that I just want like an hour break from the kids to do a hobby.. he's only changed a diaper about 4 or 5 times since our 3 year old was born and the last time he did it, he still couldn't figure it out. But any form of conversation I try to have with him is met with either an awkward look, a half-ass answer, or just him getting annoyed at me.
He works 10 hour days, 4 days a week. I'm a SAHM currently because that is just what I have to do at the moment, he agreed with that.
After work, he comes home and I try to greet him (he actually said he wanted to be greeted a while ago) and he shrugs me off. He immediately asks where dinner is. He wants the kids in the bed because he doesn't want to hear them throwing tantrums so he'll go from room to room trying to avoid them. He'll spend the rest of his night watching a gaming stream and doing whatever on his phone... while I cook, clean, try to continue handling the kids alone while cooking and cleaning and getting things wrapped up for the night. He'll maybe wipe the table or sweep. Once or twice a week, he'll do the dishes but he'll get mad at me about having to do it.
On his days off, he wants to lay around. That's fine. But it's the fact that he acts like I'm still supposed to do 100% of things like he isn't here. Or we'll take a drive with the kids/run a few errands.
I've told him several times that I feel neglected. I've asked him if he still loves me. I've asked is he stressed out from work,general life (my older one is going through an angry little kid stage), is he attracted to me, is it anything I'm doing wrong, is he going through anything, or anything else. I tell him if he ever wants to talk, I'm here for him. He never wants to open up to me. He only responds if I'm either looking and feeling dejected after he rejects any approach of love from me or if I just "do my duties" without saying much to him and basically avoid him. That's when he'll try to hug on me and ask what's wrong,but then I tell him and I open up... he'll just go back to neglecting me after I open up.
Have I thought about if he's cheating? Yes I've thought about it. I've asked him about it and he says "I don't have time for that shit, I'm too tired for that dumb shit" then he accuses me of cheating. My mind wanders about if there is someone out there that would actually love me but I haven't acted on it. I love him deeply. I want to fix our relationship. But when counseling was brought up, he said "there's nothing wrong with me, it's probably you". I've had the thought of when I get a job, I'll help with things but I'll also save up to leave if things don't change because I can't handle it anymore. I don't feel like I'm in a relationship...it just seems like I annoy him and like he hates me. Most times he doesn't even notice what I'm doing. I want the kids to see a good relationship,not one like this.
On top of that,his financial decisions suck. But he keeps them to himself because "You're not the one working so you don't need to know about my money" so our life is very much less than what it could be. But he rejects any of my offers to help him with a budget. Any help I try to give, other than the chump change I have, he gets mad at me about.
At the beginning of this year, I decided to work on myself. I was hoping he would see that and also work on himself too.. but he hasn't. He has just stayed stagnant. I have no idea of his internal struggles or anything because he's so closed off.
I don't want to seem like that "Oh she's a SAHM she shouldn't even complain!!!" But does that mean that I have to deal with being neglected, disrespected,unappreciated, and more?? The only thing I'm not doing here is working and I get no breaks or days off. He won't let me drive his car for anything either so I can't just go for a drive. I have toxic family near that I can't leave the kids with for a break. Even when we did have our times alone, he still acted this way.
Tl:dr : fiancé is being very neglectful and rejecting any acts of love from me. I feel like I'm not even in a real relationship. I'm doing everything except working. I've tried figuring things out with him but he doesn't seem to want to figure things out and blames everything on me. If I could leave at the moment, I would because he wouldn't try to fix anything to make me stay anyway.
Submitted August 28, 2020 at 09:14AM by justxconcerned29 https://ift.tt/3ltDWgk
No comments:
Post a Comment