UPDATE: I (22M) have always bottled up my feelings, but my GF (23F) wants me to open up more to her.
Hi! So, I know it hasn't been long since I posted on here, but a LOT has changed in a such a short amount of time, and I believe this post warrants its own update. Thank you to everyone on this and multiple other subreddits for their kindness and good advice. You helped me realize what I needed to do to get all these years of emotional turmoil out of my system while still maintaining my relationship with my GF.
(TL;DR at the bottom)
My original plan with Katie was to go on a break (but not break up) while she went out of town with her family for a week. She'd be healing from the loss of her mother, and I'd be looking into better means of handling my emotions that just bottling them up.
Well, I couldn't wait a week to resolve this. Since that night, this whole ordeal had been consuming my every thought, to the point where I thought I was gonna puke from the tension. I was afraid of both losing Katie, and of facing my feelings. I've had these mental barriers up for so long that the idea of them coming down scared me. My mind kept switching between being stoic, and being ready to burst in anger or sadness. I knew I had to let myself feel, but I didn't want to because of how much it hurt, but I could just shake it off like I'd always done. I was scared, alone, and ready to burst.
Later that day, I got a text from Katie asking if I could come over. She wanted to give me something before she left on her trip tomorrow. I headed for my car without a second thought. I decided that if I couldn't handle my emotions by myself, I'd do it with the one person I felt comfortable showing them with.
Once at her apartment, I did my best to stay calm in front of Katie, but I was already a mess. I was stammering every other sentence, dropping things, my voice and body trembling. It was obvious I was about to explode. Then, Katie showed me her phone. She said her dad had video recorded her mom's funeral, and asked if I'd like a copy to keep. I said yes, and Katie sent me a link to it on her DropBox, and I started watching it with her.
Now, I was there at the actual funeral. The part that made me so close to crying before was when the preacher and family eulogies described Katie's mom: a nurturing, loving figure you could always turn to when you needed it. Someone ready with warm hugs, a shoulder to cry on, a sense of security knowing you were taken care of. Basically, everything I DIDN'T have from my single father. Every other time I've felt the tears coming on, I'd hold them back like a reflex. This time, though, instead of fighting my emotions, I fought the reflex. I let the tears pool in my eyes, and fought hard to keep my hands away from my face. I could really feel it now; all the years of anger, sadness, pain, and other negativity I'd kept bottled up inside were reaching the surface.
That did it. After all these years of being so afraid to, I started crying. It wasn't straight-up bawling; it was actually a bit forced at first. I wanted the tears to flow, but some part of me was screaming, "No, stop it! Shame on you! This isn't appropriate for a man!"
Then, Katie gave me a hug, gently rubbing my back, saying things like "It's ok," or "Just let it all out," or "you don't have to keep being strong for me." At one point, she said, "My mom always made me feel safe whenever I was sad. Now I wanna do the same for you." That REALLY did it for me. I bawled my eyes out like someone just put all of Niagara Falls into my tear ducts. Katie just kept hugging me, and even kissed my head at one point. At first, I HATED how I was feeling; reliving all the fear, sadness, and hatred for everything my father put me through. This was more painful than any physical injury I'd ever sustained in my life. After a while, though, I realized I was finally getting the kind of love and support I wanted so badly as a kid. I didn't know Katie's mom very well, and my own mom even less, but based on how everyone described her, Katie was doing an AMAZING job of living through her mom's legacy of love and kindness. For the first time in ages, I felt like my feelings mattered.
For the next 3 or so hours, I just kept crying and crying. Of course, Katie couldn't sit there hugging me the whole time, but she did her best to keep me comfortable as I cried out 7 years worth of tears. She brought me tissues, water, gentle back rubs, and more hugs when she could, letting me know I could "take all the time you needed." She's such a trooper. Not even my own father had this kind of patience for me.
When I was finally done, Katie offered to have me spent the night with her. I was too tired, puffy-eyed, and had too bad a headache to drive safely home, so I graciously accepted. She later ordered my favorite takeout for dinner, and we finished the night with Stranger Things, and a make-out session. Katie's definitely a keeper.
Katie's out of town now, but I'm still looking into effective techniques and methods for letting myself feel and cry again (if I have to.) I know all my problems didn't just disappear in one night, so I'll be seeing counseling regularly once my community college reopens in a few weeks. Hopefully, Katie will be feeling well enough from her loss to come back to class with me, too.
TY for listening. :)
TL;DR: After years of bottling up my feelings, I finally let myself cry (with my GF's help,) and I feel MUCH better about it.
Submitted August 31, 2020 at 01:10AM by aitacrybaby https://ift.tt/3hKwtXE
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