Hello all. I don't know where to go, and I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to, so I'm talking to you. I have no friends. I have very bad relationships with my family, and I just left my wife. I have no one. I'm a 27-year-old guy.
I have coworkers that I sometimes have coffee with. They're the closest things I have to friends, so I decided today that I would try to talk to them about what I was going through. I told them I was leaving my wife, and that I was emotionally distraught. One of them said "Oh, wow, you've been together for a long time". I said, "Yea, ten years.. since highschool". Then the other one said "This coffee is good", and then they both started talking about something else, and ignored the subject. We stayed at the coffee shop for another hour, no one mentioned it, and they left. I didn't know what I expected, and maybe I was the weird one, but I'm fucking crushed by it.
My father left my mom when I was a little kid. I had a sister, and my father obtained custody of me while my mother obtained custody of my sister. My mom sued my dad for child support, and the courts ruled in her favor even though both we're young (they had me in high school) and neither had a career or stable income. Apparently the courts deem women as more important. So we're very poor, and I lived with my grandmother for a while. My mother moved to another state and never talked to me again, even though the courts told her she had to stay in our state. Again, the courts don't care.
I view my father as emotionally distant, I don't know if it's the reason why but now I know he takes medicine for some form of bipolar disorder. I don't really know, we don't talk much now. We would talk and have good time, but always on an intellectual level. We would talk about this and that, science and politics, but we never ever talked about how we felt. Once, when I was a teenager he found gay porn on my computer and he berated me about for hours as to why I would be looking at such a thing. We could have had a real conversation for once, but instead I just remained silent and we never talked about it again.
A few years after his first divorce my father met another woman, and married her. I was still young and grew up with this woman most of my life. I met my current wife in high school, and we hit it off and had a good time. When I was a Senior in high school my father cheated on my stepmom, and told me about it. He cheated on my stepmom with my former boss, I worked at a coffee shop. He got to know her through me.
So he wanted to leave, very badly. When I graduated high school I went to college, and my first semester in college he divorced my stepmom and moved a few states away to be with another woman he was having an affair with. When he left he told me "I'm glad that I don't have to worry about you, because you can take care of yourself". My stepmom moved a few states away as well and didn't talk to me or call me in college.
My girlfriend at the time went to college with me, and we started living close together, so we could see each other's behaviors. Around the time my parents we're being divorced, I was being a normal college kid and drinking, smoking a bit of weed. My girlfriend became very controlling, possessive. She didn't like any of my friends and pushed me not to hang out with them. She blamed my vices and told me that I was disgusting. So I believed her, and I did what she wanted. In retrospect I did this because I was afraid of being alone.
I'm not blaming her. She had her own family issues, and she was internalizing it in her own way. I stayed with her, through all of the colleges. We fought a lot, and she was very controlling over me. I was miserable, but I didn't want to be alone. I finally graduated from college with a degree in Mathematics, and she failed to finish her degree. I got a job fairly quickly out of college and moved away.
She would visit me, and started pressuring me to marry her. So I did. Once she moved up to where I was she spiraled into a deep depression. She refused to work, and she because obsessively OCD about cleaning and controlling the house. She would yell and scream if I insisted on opening a window, or moving where something was supposed to be placed. She didn't let me cook, because she didn't like the smell. I stopped eating eggs, tuna, fish, etc. I was able to cook sometimes in the future, but I had to fight for it.
She never left the house. She would stay up until 4am in the morning every single day, and sleep throughout the day. If I did anything while she was asleep like try to wash dishes or make breakfast if she heard she would wake up livid and tell me to stop what I was doing. We've lived here for four years, and I was still the whole time miserable, but still for some reason afraid of being alone.
I don't know what happened, but a few months ago I just found my voice. I tried to leave her, but she does this thing that works on me. If I confront her with something she gets so angry, terribly livid. She hits me, yells at me, tells me I'm just like my father (she knows the issues I have), and other things. If I make it through that episode then she becomes terribly sad, crying uncontrollably, hugging me, pleading, and begging me. If I press through still she becomes angry again and threatens to kill herself. In one of the most recent fights she pulled out a knife on me, threatening to stab herself. She put it down after I screamed though.
I tried to leave her so many times in the last 6 months. I know it sounds so stupid. "Just leave", I know, but for some reason I don't have a backbone. Three days ago I was fed up though. I told her I was going to sleep in another room (something I've tried in the past), she told me no. So I went to my room and tried to close the door, she pushed it open.
I told her I was going to do it, no matter what, and I got angry and told her she was stupid. She slapped me, three times. So I got angry and pushed her out of the way of the door and she fought me, she would put her hands in the door to prevent me from shutting it, she would even put her fingers in the hinge so that I couldn't close the door without smashing her fingers. We fought for an hour, I don't know, maybe more. Then I said fuck it, and I went to leave. She fought me, hit me, held on to me.
When she would hold onto me I would push her, or push my shoulders apart because she was hugging me, to get her off. I know again it sounds stupid, I'm stronger than her and should be able to get away, but it's hard to stop someone from holding you.... I got so angry, angrier than I've ever been.
I stopped moderating my pushing, and pushed her as hard as I could. She fell and hit her head, and I ran over to see if she was ok, she was, but she was still angry, so I kept trying to leave. She still kept holding onto me, so I kept pushing. I finally got the door open and had to struggle out the door.
I left, but I came home in a few hours because I felt so bad. I went to bed with her again. In the morning. The next day I had an important meeting at work, so I didn't see her and slept with her again. This morning I woke up and I saw her arms. She had bruises where I grabbed her to get her off of me. I feel like a monster. So I told her I was leaving and I wouldn't come back.
She was so livid, but I was so angry too so I told her something that I knew would hurt her. She doesn't feel like she has a purpose in life, and she feels like no one likes her, or will ever like her. So I told her that everyone hated her, and that I hate her, and that she will never have a friend and will never reconcile her differences with her family. I yelled at her a lot of things, not just this.
It was the most monstrous thing I could possibly say, and writing this now I feel like such a fucking monster, but she had down on the couch and just sat there. So I left, that was in the morning.
I had already planned on going out to coffee this afternoon with coworkers, so I did still. I wanted to solidify the fact that I'm leaving her by letting someone else know, and just to have some comfort in conversation with others. I told them, but they didn't care. I told them I was leaving my wife, and it was like I made a passing comment about nothing, and they continued on with their normal conversations.
I think I'm going to go to a hotel. I don't know what to do. I don't have enough money for another place long term. She doesn't have a job and is on the lease. I don't know what to do, I can't go home. If I go home, I feel like I'm going to either go back to this relationship, or she will refuse to let me have my own bed and I'll hurt her again. I don't know what to do, but I can't go back either.
I hope someone reads this, I just want someone to hear me. I don't have anyone I feel like I can talk to.
TL;DR :
My wife won't let me leave her, and I have no way of leaving since we're both on the lease and I don't have enough money for two places. She doesn't work. I have a bad relationship with my family, and when I told the only people I am sort of close with otherwise about my divorce they didn't care. I just don't know what to do or where to go. I don't want to be an abusive person, and I don't want to go back.
Submitted May 24, 2020 at 08:51AM by FIREmebaby https://ift.tt/3bW96GZ
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