I [29M] told my gf [29F] of three years that I think her parents house is messy and now her mom hates me.

First please excuse any grammar errors as english is not my first language.

I was raised in an old world culture where you clean up after yourself, and if you are the youngest member in the family then you are most certainly expected to put an effort to help out. I'm not saying things should be sparkling clean 24/7, but the overall appearance should be organized and clutter free.

Ever since I started dating my GF, her family has been nothing but supportive of us (with the exception of her older sister and her mother because they don't like my political views). Her parents tried to include me as part of the family. They would do that by inviting me over to family events, dinner at a diner, and they would always pay for the both of us even though I always wanted to cover myself and their daughter.

However, I was always biting my tongue on how their home was kept. I understand that perhaps its none of my business and that I shouldn't judge other people, but every time I get invited over and I step into her parents home I get overwhelmed with the smell of urine and dirty laundry (they have 4 dogs in the house).

(A bit of context before I proceed)

Her parents have 5 children. 4 daughters and 1 son. My GF is the third and her brother is the youngest.

Their first/oldest daughter moved out and is married.

Their second daughter (the one that never greets me and doesn't make an effort to get to know me) is in her 30s and is still single and living at her parents house.

Their third daughter is my GF.

The fourth daughter (the youngest daughter, lets call her Ella) ran away from home 3 years ago with someome she met online and moved to another state where she didnt speak to her family for 3 years. During this time she stayed with the man (let's call him Jack) she eloped with and birthed a son and daughter.

My gfs brother is 21 years old and likes me a lot. I look at him like a little brother and perhaps he can sense it.

Noone in her house is handy. They always hire someone to do work. I am a handy type of person. Her family knows this because I tried to impress them early on in the relationship by fixing their broken door, and their chair. I also replaced a ceiling fan for them that wasnt working for months.

Eventually my Gfs family wanted their youngest daughter to come home. Unfortunately after 3 years the house looked different and they asked me to help rebuild their old basement. Wanting to impress her family and take on a challenge as well, I accepted.

Their basement is very big. It could home another family it was so big. I said that they will have to pay for material but my labor will cost 7k. They agreed.

Their basement was flooded and destroyed by hurricane Sandy. I had to demo the basement, remove asbestos covered pipes (I know how to do it so please don't worry), fix electrical, reroute water pipes and gas pipes, and reroute sewage plumbing. I build them a full bathroom in a basement that had a sump pump for the waste water. The bathroom was fully tiled. It was very hard work.

It took a year but I worked alone and I managed to give them a very nice looking finished basement that was liveable with all desired luxuries. It looked like a different home when compared to the upstairs.

My GFs brother ended up taking the basement and he loves it mostly because I convinced his parents to use high end sound insulating rockwool insulation for between the walls and ceiling. He often plays loud music and noone can hear it now.

Now that I was done, things seemed to be great. My GFs younger sister came home (and brought with her the father of her two children, and her kids as well). Her family was once again reunited. Everyone was happy.

The resentment and strange feeling within me began when my GFs family was scheduling a trip to Cancun. Her parents paid for everyone in the family excluding me. Her parents paid the trip cost for the man who eloped with her youngest daughter but not me. I felt like I was not appreciated. They wanted me to use the 7k money that I earned for the basement to pay for my ticket. I spoke with my GF about it and that it stressed me out. She told me that her parents were forced to pay for her sisters bf bc if they didnt, he wouldn't go which meant her sister wouldn't go either. I ended up paying and going bc I didnt want to upset my GF and because I haven't been on a vacation in ten years.

After the trip my parents had a dinner party in their home and they invited my parents over. I was excited to show my parents the work I've done. When my parents arrived, they spoke to me (in Russian so that noone understood) why the house was such a mess and why would they invite us in this condition. The house reeked of dog urine and dirty laundry. It made my parents not have an appetite to eat and they were skeaved out. They saw the basement and were upset that it was already filled with clothes and towels on the floor. The toilet bowl was discolored and wasn't scrubbed. Apparently my GF and her mom noticed that my parents were uncomfortable. My parents didn't say anything however and neither did my GFs parents.

A short time after that my GF fell down the stairs in her parents home (no matter what my GF says, I will always think she slipped because of the huge amount of clutter). She broke her leg. It was a spiral fracture and she broke her tibia and fibula in three areas.

I was working overtime and i got a call from her brother and he informed me the news. I heard my GFs painful screaming in the background and I rushed to her home. I told her brother to call 911 for an ambulance. I tell my supervisor I have a family emergency and I rush to her house.

I get to her house before the ambulance does. I learn that the call was delayed because her mother wanted to finish eating her dinner and that she thought my GF was exaggerating. I was very angry. I thought that was a despicable move from her mother. Her brother apologized to me but he tried the best he could to comfort my GF.

My GF was in the hospital and I was with her everyday. She had a rod put in her tibia. I would go home only after my GF fell asleep at night and would return after my shift ended. Her mother didnt visit her once after surgery.

She was then in a rehab facility and they wanted to discharge her. I had a tense conversation with her mother about where she will end up going. I was adament that she is discharged to my home to live with my parents. Her mother wanted her to go back with her but my gf chose to be with me.

I did not want her to go back to the home where she had the accident where it's a mess.

She ends up moving to my home in Queens. During this time my mother was taking care of her while I was at work. My mother would bring her breakfast/lunch/dinner in bed, and also help her go to the bathroom when needed. I also helped when I was home and not at work.

Her parents did not ONCE visit to see how she was doing. They only spoke on the phone. My family and I found this very odd and frankly mean and felt like it was a betrayal.

Fast forward a year. My GF can walk now (but with a limp). My parents bought a big fancy house in Long Island with the intent to leave it in my name.

My parents and her parents met and we spoke about a prenuptial agreement so that in the event of a divorce, the house will stay with me. This was done because my parents and I are immigrants and have worked since 1996 and saved up to purchase a home in a renowned area with an excellent school district. My parents do not want all that hard work to be in vain hence the prenuptial agreement. Think of it like peace of mind.

My GF moved in with me and my parents so that we may begin building the financial foundation of our family.

Little by little, my mother starts to bring to me concerns about my GF and her mother. She feels that they aren't doing their part.

I must explain. In my culture, its expected that my GF help my mom prepare the food, help organize the house, etc. They are not housewives. We dont expect them to do everything. We all have roles. I for example will do the laundry and my GF will fold the clothes.

But my GF doesn't seem to want to be involved in my families affairs as much as I'd like her to be. I need her to learn my mothers recipes, how to cook and to learn Russian. This way (when she is home) she can pull her own weight around and help out. She feels like I am trying to make her a servant. This makes me feel stressed out because I have done nothing but support her every step of the way. I know how to do all of these things. But i need her to know it as well so that one day if I am incapacitated like she was, she can take care of me. I dont have confidence that she can take care of me. This is one ingredient of why there was a big argument.

The next ingredient is that the past Halloween my GF had a party in her parents house. Her parents promised her that the house would be organized when she would arrive to prepare and decorate. When we get there it's not organized. All they did was shove all the dirty laundry and all the mess to several piles in the living room and covered it with a blanket.

Still, I hold my tongue. But when I saw her father empty an ENTIRE febreze bottle in the home and on the couch and the stairs and the blanket, I had to leave to get fresh air. I couldn't breathe in there the febreze was so potent.

This upset my GFs mom.

A week after the party I told my GF that I feel embarassed for her family. Her mother has 5 children and noone bothers to help her mother clean the house up. On top of that, they are OK with living in a house where every other item on the floor is a trip hazard. I think that if everyone in that house collectively pitched in a helping hand, the house would be organized and look pleasant to be in.

My GF got mad at me for sharing my feelings. It turned into an argument when it shouldn't have. I ended up getting angry and told her that I think her family lives like pigs in a barn. I brought up the time her dogs would piss under the dining room table and noone would bother to clean it until i brought it up. These things bother me! And she says that this is normal and that every American household is like this. I brought up the time her dogs would crap on the floor and noone wanted to clean it up.

She was so mad she had to call her mom. I told her " Dont you go on and do this now, if you tell your mom then this will be the beginning of the end and you'll condemn the relationship". She ends up calling her mom.

Now i understand that maybe she was having a panic attack or something because she's never had anyone tell her this sort of thing before. But i don't think she should have spoken to her mother. After she spoke with her mom, her mom let out her true colors and began to show how much she hates me. All of a sudden I'm not allowed at the house anymore.

I met with her mother at a dunkin donuts and apologized to her.

A week later my GF washed a plate and put it in the drying rack. She washed it poorly, there was still oil residue on it. My mom told her that she didnt wash it properly and wanted to show her how we wash it. My GF flipped out and raised her tone to my mother. She then called her mom and told her. Her mother thinks that it was ridiculous that my mom had to point out a dirty dish to her. Maybe it was. But I think my GFs reaction was also wrong.

Her mom told me that she thinks my GF has horrible living arrangements bc she gets nothing more than zero (says the woman that didnt even visit her when she was bedbound in my home). Her mother told me that I need to put her daughter first and above my parents. That statement sounded manipulative to me so I said no. I cannot so that. You cant make me choose between my parents and your daughter. We aren't even married yet. We don't have any kids. I choose my side on a case by case basis and I wont blindly defend your daughter if I think she did something wrong. All we ask is that since she lives under our household, she respects our rules and carries some of her own weight around.

Her mom got upset and left. Now everyday her mother texts my GF telling her to not walk but run away as far from me as possible. Her mother will take any chance she gets to bash my family. The horrible things she said to my family.

My GF begged me to make this stop. I told her "well you shouldn't have spoken to your mom. Shes too involved in your life. Nothing we can do now but wait until the dust settles and everyone calms down."

But her mother is a lawyer and lawyers know that you have to get the jury on your side. So her mother seeded all these bad things about me to her entire family and now everyone in her family hates me too with the exception of my GFs brother.

I overheard my GFs mother talking to her on the phone one day and telling her to come home. She told her to come home and never loom back and that she will take my cup in that house and spit in it. At that point i lost my temper and texted her mother:

" I don't want to have you as my mother in law. Take your daughter back or ensure that she is gone by the end of the week or I'll leave her things outside in garbage bags for you guys to pick up. At least she won't have "zero".

ByeFelicia"

Apparently this made her mom say that now I have zero chance of making things right. Her mom is even more relentless and she texts me and my GF horrible things about me and my family.

My GF again begged me to do something. So I showed up at her mothers house with flowers and chocolate and asked for forgiveness. Her mother yelled at me and slammed the door on me.

At this point I've accepted that the relationship is crippled but I'm trying my best here to make things right. I keep telling my GF to tell everyone in her family to shut up and mind their own business. Her mom calls or texts her every hour of the day to say something else nasty about me and my family.

I cant believe that her mother can say such things and her mother was never there for her. I've had it to about here before I tell her mother to go f herself in a pit of crap.

Personally I think that there's no way out except telling my GF that she needs to leave. Everyday is so stressful. Otherwise I would do whatever I can to make it work. Maybe one of you can help me out in this tangled mess. I thank you.

TL;DR - i told my gf of 3 years that her family lives like pigs in a barn and her mom got wind of it and now hates me and causes drama left and right.

Submitted November 30, 2019 at 08:30AM by hinicetomeetyouhehe https://ift.tt/2Y0V01K