I [27F] am destroying my relationship with my boyfriend [27M] of 5 years.

This is probably going to be all over the place, and please try to be nice as I know I’ve been a really shit girlfriend lately and am trying to figure this out.

We’ve been together five years. Fights here and there up until the fourth year where things took an ugly turn. Pretty bad fights, a couple mistakes but not something so severe we couldn’t come back from it.

Every since that year of fights, being on and off, I feel like my personality has shifted. I’ve dealt with mild depression for years, but this has become debilitating. I’ve been on and off medications. I know that’s not an excuse to be a shitty girlfriend, and I don’t know if THAT part of my history is even relevant with this but I’ve become so irritable and flipping out. My boyfriend thinks I’ve become really controlling because I start to panic and shut down when he goes to see even his friends. Jealously, insecurity, extreme fear. And this is awful, but I started flipping out so much that my boyfriend no longer goes out with friends because of this. And he’s grown to be resentful. I feel like I have no excuse, my anger and adrenaline just kick in and fear takes over and I LOSE it. I think maybe that I am fearful and insecure because he has broken up with me during fights- I can’t pin point it. I have no excuse. Often times, I spend nights crying because I feel so guilty. Sometimes he’s aware, most of the time he’s not. Like he could tell me he’s seeing his friends Friday, and I’m fine until Thursday night and I lash and get so angry. And flip out. And I can’t get it under control.

I hope I’m not turning into a genuinely bad person. Or have some personality disorder. Or I am stuck like this forever. What is actually wrong with me.. Has anyone ever experienced or been through something like this? I know my story is probably super scattered so if anyone has questions feel free to ask.

Thanks for any help.

TL; DR: Personality shift within the year significantly impacting relationship with boyfriend, unsure of what’s going on.

Submitted December 02, 2019 at 04:31PM by exhorresco_ https://ift.tt/3837ASD