Boyfriend (27M) wishes I(29F) had more of a co-pilot mentality. His definition makes me feel like I'm being his mother.

TL;DR: My boyfriend wishes that I was more or a co-pilot, and gets mad at me for not being helpful enough. I fail to see how different that is from being his mother, but maybe ITA. (Wrong sub for that, I know, lol)

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EDIT: I genuinely just remembered this. Both of us were diagnosed with ADHD when we were younger. Both of us were treated with some kind of pill until about 13ish and now both of us are unmanaged. I'm thinking that some of this may be his ADHD getting out of control, but considering that I can keep track of my shit fairly well and he can't, that may not change much.

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He and I have been together for 3 years, going on 4; we've been living together for 1. He's unemployed and in the last year of his Master's and really really stressed out, especially since it comes with required unpaid fieldwork on the days he's not in class; I'm working two jobs (second one is just to pay off debt from when I was woefully underemployed, not really *necessary*) and supporting us both, and not stressed but busy.

He constantly loses time; he will look at the clock and constantly lament that he's lost hours and had no idea it was so late. He's good about getting up in the morning and all, but when it comes to homework, visiting friends, even showering, he's constantly taking forever and losing time. Last time we had to leave on a deadline, he knew what time we have to leave. He took a long shower, and when he got out and saw the time, got annoyed at me for not having the co-pilot mentality to rush him. Why he couldn't, I don't know, make an alarm or something is beyond me. But fine. Next time we had to leave on a deadline, I made clear because we were leaving for my parent's place that the dishes had to get done. I repeated this the night before, in the morning, in the morning again, and then again when he got out of the shower. Every time, it seemed like he forgot and it was an enormous inconvenience. Kay.

One time, we had to leave to go somewhere, and we had to catch a select bus (for non-NYers, they're public transit busses that have you purchase a ticket before you get on instead of swiping afterwards. It's on the honor system, but every once in a blue, a cop will ask to see your ticket and fine you $100 if you don't have it. And by every once in a blue, I mean, like, I've been riding them since they came out and not once seen a cop check. It'll happen, but not nearly as much as they police the subways by an egregious margin) and it showed up just as we were purchasing tickets. The night before, we'd been at the mall, and he realized he didn't have enough money on his metrocard to pay for the SBS anyway, so I bought his ticket with my non-unlimited metrocard (can't reuse it for 17 minutes); and then when the bus never came, I bought a Lyft. When he started trying to buy his ticket that morning, I remembered he didn't have the money on the card, reminded him and just said "screw it, let's get on." We did, but he was mad because "why didn't I tell him he had no money on the card?" When I reminded him that we literally did this last night, it's his card anyway and not only did neither of us remember but neither of us had time for me to pull out my wallet and buy his ticket before the last bus for like 20 minutes left (Saturday schedule), "Oh, so now it's MY fault?" I didn't dignify that with an answer and just gave him my ticket so god forbid the cop came, I'd get fined and not him. NBD.

He's always had a hard time with his papers, and it can take him hours just to write a page. His Master's is basically all papers, so he's really having a hard time. When we first got together, he used to solicit his father and I to help him with content and heavy editing. His father used to do this for him all through college, and it used to take me hours to edit his papers. This got VERY conscientious by the end and was only solved by me putting an embargo on my help (and eventually, his father's help died as well) and telling him to go to the writing center; we also do not talk about it, because when I tell him how much I helped him, he gets really defensive, so I just write it off. Either way, all of the papers he's written in the last year and a half, he's written on his own, and now it's finals and he at this point us completely burnt out to the point of not being able to see a life outside of graduation. His biggest issue is that he can never translate the depth of his analysis into writing, and constantly leaves out points he wanted to mention because he can't see the gap between what he wrote and how it reads to others even after feedback. I've tried to encourage him to make bullet point by bullet point outlines, with smaller and smaller and more explicit points, but he either "doesn't have time for that" or cannot figure out how to get minute and explicit enough and it doesn't end up helping all that much. He's getting better about it, but still. Last night, we were talking, and he's going in about how over it he all is. I was telling him I can try to take more advantage of the flexibility in my job, be home more, take care of more home stuff, but he said it was moot. I told him that there wasn't really much more I could do to help, even if I wanted to. He "didn't want to get into that back and forth."

He didn't want to go into it and I didn't press it, but that could mean one of two things: the fact that I believe adulting means taking care of your own life without constant help from anyone, even partners; or the helping with the papers. I'm pretty sure he means the former. I don't want to get into it with him, but come on. How much external management does one human being need? I understand he's stressed out, I understand he's burnt out. But I can't micromanage him. I can't keep counting down to when he's going to be late. I can't keep reminding him of things. I'm not his personal assistant. I don't have the time or the patience, I'm trying to keep myself and the house afloat financially. I have systems in place to micromanage myself because I know myself and what works for me; I don't expect others to be responsible for me. And I try to set him up for success whenever I can, I answer his questions when he asks for clarification on his assignments or some of the theories he's working with, etc.

I don't know if this sounds like he's the worst or I'm the worst or what have you, but it's not like this is our whole dynamic. He's happy to take care of the house while I'm out at all hours, and he is happy to let me study up on the things I need for work. We're proud of each other and we tell each other that constantly. We're co-parenting cats, which of course he "hated" until he met mine and now I think he loves them more than I do. We have similar interests, similar status/economic goals. We work well together, I think. But this feels like it's going to be a dealbreaker down the line, because the only thing keeping this afloat is the fact that I just won't rise to it when he gets mad and I just diffuse quickly and move on. I get free mental health services through my job and I've given him the information because he asked for it, but he hasn't made the call, though I ask at least once a day when he starts going through it. What I'm worried about most is that this isn't just the burnout talking; but that he really expects the partner to be the constant alarm and planner in his life. Is that normal? It can't be normal.

So I guess the question is, have I just been doing everything wrong in this relationship by not being the co-pilot he's asking for during this time? Is this what being a co-pilot really means? Is this normal? How much support should I really be giving in this time?

Submitted December 06, 2019 at 08:34AM by reddeadbedemption https://ift.tt/2YvEuHq