{Long}
When I was 18 years old, barely out of school, I believed that I could have a fantastic future in front of me. University, a career, savings, a house or and a partner and maybe a child. Like everybody I presume.
Then, things become more and more hard. Depression, few losses, not being able to finish the degree, debts, an abusive relationship which made me took few trips to the hospital, no self-esteem and horrible jobs.
I didn't find any "internal" force to move towards a better life. I was crushed and hurt and sad.
A year and half ago, I met SO (37M), he was in the final process of an ugly divorce, not really keen to have more than a "light" relationship. It was fine for me. He is from another "universe". The one I only dreamed when I was young. He has a good job, got the university experience, he bought a house and got married to someone he was in love with. Dating him was more about having someone to have sex with (FWB?) and have a chat or just a quick dinner with someone. I lost all my childhood friends and I am pretty alone. I do enjoy my solitude, but sometimes it's too much. Having him around, seeing enjoy his life and friends, his family and coworkers was a reassuring. I finally started to believe that these things are real. Not some TV's ads.
Few months ago, it was clear that my inability to enjoy life itself and being more positive was becoming hard for SO. Around his friends, I am shy and I beat myself down a lot. I never met his family. I didn't show up to one of his brother's party. I couldn't cope with how I saw myself. Ugly and unpleasant in general. Not very bright and with no achievement. With a very boring job in retail and a tiny and plain studio flat like a university student. We were close to separate. It was more me, than him. He wanted to progress to something more stable, I was not. I wanted him to get a real SO, a person with more stability, outgoing and reassuring. Not a slob, boring and full of mental illness.
Then I got pregnant. It was unexpected and got me completely surprised. I am still trying to figure out what happen and how my pill failed me. For weeks I believed that I was just sick, I had some bleeding and I really pushed the thoughts down. SO was worried and insisted to get some tests. And, here we are, few months later. He is happy. It's his first child. It isn't for me, during my abusive relationship I made the decision to get an abortion. It's still haunting me. I was too poor and a punchbag for horrible person.
SO wants to be a father. He went to a spending spree, buying a cot and a teddy bear for the baby. He told to all his friends and family. He showed the sonogram picture to all the coworkers. He even had a call with his ex-wife. They split for multiple reasons and having/not having kids was one of them.
I, in the other hand, can't even thing about him/her. I loathe myself for putting a child in this world with a mother like me. I still have nightmares about my abusive years. I didn't give any news to my estranged family. Not even my sister. I don't use social media, so no announcement. I don't have enough savings and will probably rely on SO financially. I keep hurting him with my inability to be happy about it. Or just content at least. Gaining weight is making me crazy. I had so many issues with my weight and now this. I am so disappointed in myself.
I know that it's my low self-esteem talking. My depression and anxiety combined that is not helping. And the constant nausea. I am so sorry that SO is living this important experience with me. I am ruining this baby that it's not here yet.
Is there someone who had a similar experience?
P.S.= I spent 5 years in therapy. I am in a better state that 10 years ago. But my progress, at the end were minimal. Right now, I can't afford the time and money to get back to the center. I have all the names of the specialists who helped me years ago, and if my I am going suicidal, I will drag myself to the hospital. SO knows that I am frail mentally but not the extent. If I can't find love this child, I will propose to him to take full custody/care.
TL;DR Pregnant with no self-esteem. Unsure how to move forward without damaging the life of the baby and SO. I am scared.
Submitted November 03, 2019 at 02:27PM by RedBlueFlora https://ift.tt/2JN23VV
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