My boyfriend [M23] sexually coerced me [F23] for years. After changed behavior, can we still be together?

This is a follow-up post to a post I did last week, but since not a solution I can't link the previous post in here, but you don't need to read that post first before reading this one. Bottom line, my boyfriend of 8 years and I had issues with sex, and after some incidents where I end up 'giving in' and later crying, he realized there is something really wrong in the way he used to insist on sex i.e. sexual coercion.

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He has now stopped insisting for the past few weeks, and things have been great. But now when the issue came up when to have sex again (I asked him if we could,) I realized all the incidents (starting from when we were 15) have festered in me and have caused me to push him away whenever he tries to get sexual (understandable.) Now we had a long talk, and he told me he had realized he was a shit person for treating me that way, and he said he regretted it heavily and he didn't know better. He said he has taken drastic steps for him to never make me feel unsafe again and he has completely stopped insisting, even initiating sex (until I want it.) I told him how hurt I was all those years and he needs to understand where I come from. He agreed, and he said he will only work to be better as a person, not just for me, but for him as well.

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He said that after that incident where I cried after oral sex, and I said he was being rap*y, it really shook him and made him realize that he was a horrible person to do that to me. But he has now changed behavior, and he said he will plan to continue changing.

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Now my thing is, I told him I need to heal and I am not like him where I can just move forward. I said this because when I told him about that time he grabbed my boob when we were 15 without permission, he said I'm still "stuck there" and that he can't do anything about me looking at him that way forever, even if he does change. Of course, I told him you can't tell a trauma victim that they're "stuck there" because it's insensitive. And he said that "what if i was 'stuck there' when you called me a rap*st? I changed my behavior. If i kept thinking about that time, it would ruin me."

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His argument is that he might change and become an amazing person, but if I always look at him as this toxic 15 year old who didn't know better, that I will never be happy and it won't matter how much he changes. He said that if that's the case, he understands if I want to leave him because he only wants me to be happy. He loves me a lot and plans to marry me, but doesn't want me to be in a relationship where I always will see him as the person who sexually coerced me.

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My boyfriend is the type of person that if something bad happens, he changes his behavior and moves forward, where I have a harder time forgetting stuff. He said he understands why I'm hurting, and he apologized profusely and said the best way he can apologize is by changing his behavior (which he has started to show.) My question is, is it possible to salvage a relationship that has been through this? Is it possible to be with someone who violated your boundaries if they have changed behavior and expressed regret?

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We love each other so much, and otherwise the sex part we have a healthy relationship, I'd say. He says he values me so much, and I believe him (he has shown it countless times everyday for years.) I don't want to lose him and he obviously doesn't want to lose me. But he said he doesn't want me to be miserable if I'm always going to see him that way. He says I don't deserve that, after what he did to me. I don't want to stay in this relationship (no matter how much i adore him) if it'll end up in divorce ten years from now. My boyfriend says 8 years is not a lot if it means I could be truly happy with someone else for the rest of my life. He understands if there's someone out there for me who can make me happy (but he truly makes me happy and gives me the world, it's just this issue that idk if we can get past.)

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Tl;dr: Boyfriend sexually coerced me multiple times, has realized and changed his behavior completely and regrets his actions. Can it still be a healthy relationship if I stay with him?

Edit: Thanks everyone for your responses. I have told him we can't see each other anymore until I heal. He supports my decision and says me seeking therapy should be for me and not for 'us' and that it's okay if this is the definite end for us. That I should put myself first. But it's been 8 years of memories, 8 years of being in love (still) and we were each other's firsts. Just three days ago we picked the tiles that would go into our home he was building for us. Two days ago we decided on the paint and the bathroom decor. We had names for our future kids. How can I possibly move on?

Submitted November 12, 2019 at 07:53AM by herenowgonenext https://ift.tt/2pcMzU1