This will be really long because there is quite a history and a lot of facets to our dynamic, so tl;dr at bottom. Again, I apologize for the word vomit. I have been holding this in for 3 1/2 years and I feel like I might explode. Therapy isn't helping anymore.
My husband and I met the summer after my first year of university (20yrs old). He had just graduated and had a great job at an engineering firm. We clicked instantly and I enjoyed being with him. After time, however, he would get annoyed with me over little things. I felt small and would apologize a lot. He wasn't verbally abusive or physically, but his passiveness made me feel pretty shit. I wasn't perfect; however, because I was a little too affectionate. I will explain what I mean:
I was abused a lot as a child and then by boyfriends as a teenager, then I hadn't dated anyone since 16 from fear. I had a terrible childhood and never learned a healthy relationship, yet I didn't turn into an angry or cold person. I stayed empathetic and kind. I never wanted to be like my parents or my other adult abusers, and especially nothing like my exs while in a relationship. However, I became a bit clingy after a month or two with him because I enjoyed the attention and the non-abusive behavior so much. I was head over heels! I wanted to come over all the time about two months into the relationship and hangout (we lived in two different towns 5 minutes away). Most often he would play video games while I did homework - I didn't ask him to drop anything, I just liked having someone to sit in the room with.
I suppose this annoyed him a bit after a while and instead of being upfront with me, he started being passive-aggressive and answering coldly. I noticed and I apologized and stopped coming over so much. He would say he missed me anyway. Things were fine. Eventually, we moved in together and everything was still fine. I started to notice things after a few months that made me fearful, however.
He has anger issues. The smallest things set him off. He struggles to manage his emotional responses. I walked on eggshells for a long time. I would do nothing, yet he would take out any frustration from work or at home on me in the form of angry tones or just straight up shutting down and ignoring me. It was a really weird dynamic. In our place, his computer space was in our den. If I "interrupted" him while he was programming (not for work, for his own projects), he would lose his shit. I could walk by, quiet as a mouse to get to the kitchen, and he would huff and make an angry face. I didnt understand. I was so quiet. I felt like a burden in my own house. Even saying dinner was ready would set him off if he was busy. He would say he is used to a programming space that is entirely isolated and just for him. I brushed it off and agreed. However, I stopped going into the den. I would hide in our bedroom, eat there, do my homework on the bed. I have mixed bipolar (I rarely experience manic episodes and normally experience brief periods of elated feelings, typically calm but sometimes deeply depressed when triggered) and this really sparked a severe depressive episode in me.
It got so bad that one day he got home early from work, as I got home from uni, and he was hangry (pissy and hungry) that I offered him the sandwich I bought myself for lunch. I wanted it, though I wasn't famished and could make dinner later. Really, I wanted to be nice - he seemed relieved but then he realized it had mustard and he threw it on the table and huffed and puffed. I said "its just mustard! wipe it off! I dont understand why youre acting this way." He looked furious, threw his hands up, slammed the front door and drove off. I was astonished. I knew he had a "meh" day at work but I was sick of him making this my problem. I cried a lot, for the first time in response to how he acts.
Later I told him I was sick of it and was afraid he'd hurt me. He got nervous and started crying asking if I would really call the cops on him for no reason and cause him to have a record and lose his job. I said no, but if he ever hurt me I would not allow him to keep doing it. I was trying to make it clear that I was afraid. He felt bad and things calmed down after that. After a few months, however, he got terrible again and would be so cold and aggressive anytime he had to do something he didn't want to. Im talking about going with me to the DMV to get our tags updated, family events, etc. One day he was so rude that I got frustrated and responded coldly. He stopped walking in the middle of our yard, sat down on the grass and ignored me. I rolled my eyes and went inside. I waited two hours then went and asked him to come inside (childish of him, I know. I am not blind to how fucking crazy his responses are sometimes).
A few days later I told him I was thinking of leaving and couldn't do this anymore. He cried a lot but said he understood. He mentioned agreeing to therapy (finally). I decided I would try to help him and make it work. Over the next few months things were so much better, even though therapy never came up in conversations again. I felt like he was once again the person I met and fell in love with.
We got engaged a few months later. It hasn't been as bad, but he still has issues that I feel so depressed about. He can be so shitty when in social situations. He blames all this, the attitudes, the anger on his anxiety. I have anxiety and a slew of other issues but I take my meds, I go to therapy and I for damn sure don't take out my problems on the people I love.
The worst situation was in May before our wedding. (I grew up in the rural south and moved to the pacific northwest to live with my grandparents when I was a teenager). I still live in the PNW and have no contact with my abusive family. The family I am close to, such as my grandparents flew in from other northwest states to attend the wedding and we had a BBQ the day before so everyone could catch up.
I love my grandparents, my brother and his boyfriend, my uncles, aunts and cousins. I was having such a wonderful time, but he looked so annoyed. He wouldn't talk to anyone and was just being overall terrible. My family adores him. they include him in everything, they love asking him about his interests and work (even if the technical and computer stuff goes over their heads - They do everything to make him feel cared about and a part of the family.)
Eventually he just left and I had to explain to everyone he has anxiety, etc. Some of them understood but my grandpa said gently that anxiety may be it but I shouldn't make excuses for him. I was holding back tears and smiling to hide my defeat. Others chimed in and voiced their concerns. Others defended him and said he was just having pre-wedding jitters (none have any idea how he is at home).
A family member I am very close to and rarely see, well she hugged me and pulled me aside to say she was so worried about me. She said, "you're different with him. Please take care of yourself and watch out." I burst into tears and went home.
That night, I told him I didn't know if I could do this. He cried and said, "are you breaking up with me?" I said I needed to leave and I would talk to him later. My maid of honor picked me up and took me to her place. I cried a lot and said I felt emotionally and financially trapped. I love him and wanted to be with him. I understood his traumas (abused as a kid too) but was sick of apologizing for him to everyone else I love. I wept for a good 4 hours. She told me to be brave and that she worried about me, but she wouldn't tell me what to choose because it is my relationship. She took me home and I told him I cared for him and things would be ok. Honestly, I lied but was hoping things would be.
Our wedding day was amazing. My grandpa hugged him and said, "you really came through today! Thank you." This was basically saying, "you really worried us yesterday with how you were acting but you are so positive and nice today."
These past few months were so great! So positive. However, lately things are bad again. He shuts down on me whenever I say something he instantly doesn't like or doesnt want to hear. Even if its not negative, but the truth in response to a question or his own comments. If he drops something, if something is dirty (even if he forgot to clean it) he has a melt down, makes an angry face, huffs and puffs and throws things around. Sometimes, I ask him to help me with my HW and show him what Im struggling with. He seems kind and wants to help me. Great! well, if I struggle even with his help, he is frustrated, shuts down and leaves the room.
Every little thing I do annoys him. He cut his hair (he hates going to the barber. it gives him anxiety) and asked me to help him finish it. I didn't know what he needed?? It looked great! I told him so and he said, "no, it looks bad. its not finished. I need to trim it some more in the back but I cant do it." I said "ok, well I still dont know what needs to be changed. Can you show me?" He got annoyed and said "why cant you just trust me!?" I sat there, mouth open with disbelief. Earlier he was rude to me about helping me with HW, then he asks me for my opinion and shuts me down for it. I wasnt even refusing to help him - I just have no idea how to cut hair and he looked great, so I was very confused on what he needed. I said "I am so sick of you being so rude and pissy at me all the time." He looked at me in disbelief, threw his hands up, said "whatever" and slammed the door.
Honestly, what do I do? How do I go about dealing with this or getting out of this relationship. I am so afraid to be without him. I love my husband and I feel very attached to him, our home and our pets. We have no kids and never plan to. I'm financially trapped because he told me to quit my job and focus on school. He wasn't trying to trap me, but I got myself in this situation. I have no savings and no family to live with while I get on my feet. Most of his funds went into our house and getting us started. I don't want the house. I can't afford it while being a student. I want nothing from him.
My friend offered me her couch the other day when I came over crying. Also, the biggest reason why I fear leaving is I know he will be alone. He is so shy and anxious. He has niche interests and is terrible at making friends. He has two friends at work that do play video games with him and ski with him, but theyre not so close that he can confide and trust them. His only family is his grandparents who live in a nearby city (they love him!) I worry about him. I don't want to abandon him :( I don't want to think about him the rest of my life and feel like I didn't do enough to make things work. I don't want to get divorced but I feel so fucking depressed. My mental health is terrible. I used to be a 4.0 student, top academic papers and very active on campus. Since with him, I do terribly, I feel depressed, I got lazy and reclusive. I have dropped out twice. I honestly feel not like myself with him. He supports me with therapy and my meds, so I am grateful for that and I have NEVER blamed him for my mental health or my school issues. I think this is a result of the negativity I constantly live with.
tl;dr: my husband is emotionally abusive, takes out all his frustrations and "anxiety" on me, and generally makes me feel suffocated by negativity. I don't know what to do. He refuses therapy, saying it "doesn't work." I don't want to abandon him but I feel so low. When I got out of my abusive childhood and excelled at uni, I didn't see my future like this.
Submitted November 08, 2019 at 06:42PM by gelbe_farne https://ift.tt/2NtosKb
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