My wife (33F) pushed for having a child even though I (36M) didn't want one. We had one and I definitely regret it. Struggling with regret and resentment and what to do from here.

We both wanted a child-free life prior to marriage. However life happens and opinions change and she broke the news to me that she wanted a child not even a year into marriage. We fought for 2 years. Not yelling and screaming. Neither of us are like that. But any time we'd go out to eat or celebrate a b-day or anniversary, shed being up wanting a child. I didn't want one. I was very bad at communicating, most of the time I'd just completely shut down and not want to talk about it. But I guess in my mind i had let her know and that was that. I did not seek help or advice which was a terrible idea that I regret very much. She on the other hand spent the time trying to convince me to have a kid. She'd say we'd make it work, and that her sister can't get pregnant and odds are good she can't either so let's see what happens, etc. Eventually I just broke. I was so fucking tired and just needed an end. I was naive in thinking there had to be a compromise. I said that if we were to have a kid and I was giving up my ideal future then I needed her to give up her career (and mine too) and we'd move back home a state away and start a new life close to our friends and family. Yes, I realize now that's not a compromise and a bad idea. Well she agreed. And got pregnant. And then threw out agreement out the window and got her dream job. When she broke the news she was pregnant, rather than be excited as a normal husband would, I just left and went for a long jog and cried half way through. I knew I fucked up.

During pregnancy we upgraded living situation (money was one of a million issues for me and I was nervous about finances but so far we're ok). And everything was a blur. I was numb. When the baby was born there was a health scare and it choked on fluids and actually wasn't breathing for several minutes and technically died. I saw its lifeless body and my torn open wife bleeding all over the operating table and time just froze. I wasnt sad. To be honest I thought everything was ok and was playing out as was meant to be. I felt a brief feeling of relief in possibly not having to be a father. But the hospital staff was fucking incredible and saved the baby and it was sent to NICU for a week for a full recovery. Its a perfectly healthy and beautiful child in every regard.

But for the longest time I felt NO connection. None. After a year I knew something was wrong. I hit a bad depression for the first time in my life, drank a lot, did and said some absolutely terrible things, destroyed my marriage (had an affair which weve moved on from and shes forgiven me for) and had suicidal thoughts daily. I eventually sought help with therapy and it was tremendously helpful. I put a huge focus on Bettering myself, learning how to effectively communicate so I don't find myself in another lose/lose situation and don't know what to do and most importantly I learned how to be a good father. I applied some techniques like basically just putting my phone down, eliminating distractions and playing with my daughter. pretending to be a good dad. But really seeing how my interactions benefit her, how she learns, how I can make her laugh, etc. It really worked. I'm proud to say I am actually a fucking good dad. Its just something I have to constantly remind myself of and continue to put the effort in

The problem now is that i still regret it. I harbor major resentment towards my wife. I'm mad that we didn't have any plan in place in case I regretted it. There is basically NO online resources for people like me. I guess because no one is as stupid as I am (I was in love and ultimately I did what I did because I wanted her to be happy). My thoughts get going and I have bad thoughts that she lied to me before marriage and knew she wanted kids, and she manipulated me even though I can't prove that.

Things between us are pretty bad. We're basically roommates and I am taking care of the kid every other week. Which has proven to be AWESOME. Not just because I get a week off to do what I want which is amazing but when I take care of my child I know she's 100% dependent on me and no one else.

My wife and I are just fundamentally different. I dont love her right now, nor am I attracted to her. This whole ordeal costed too much. We've had sex once in 2019 and I just don't know how to give her what she needs. I genuinely want her to be happy and I want the best life for my daughter but fatherhood is completely foreign to me since I lived my entire life thinking I'd have a child free life full of travel, focusing on our careers, rescuing animals, fun and few responsibilities.

I think the only way to fix this is to let go of the resentment. We tried marriage counseling but it didn't work too well. We still talk heart to heart about where we're at and that does help but I still feel the way I feel and I feel like I'm wasting everyone's time. I just feel like a big peice of shit. Maybe I am and just need to accept that and let her go and find someone who can make her happy. She wants a family. She wants me. But I just can't seem to let her have that. That's not what I signed up for when I got married and I don't know how to change that attitude so that I can be happy, be a family, continue living in this house, etc. The thought of divorce doesn't scare me. On one had I'd be free from this hell I created and be a part time dad which sounds like maybe that was inevitable since I didn't want kids. On the other hand I don't want to give up hope. I am also scared shitless of being a single dad and affording rent for a shitty apartment. I can't move back to family since I'd be leaving my daughter and now ironically I don't want to do that.

I'm a hot mess. I want to be a good person and do the right thing. I just dont Know what that is. Has anyone known anyone in a situation similar to mine? My wife and I get along great btw, and i am doing what I can to make her feel loved and appreciated and plan date nights. Even though I don't love her as a husband should, she's still the mother of my child and I'll always have love for her for that just not in the husbandly way at the moment. We don't really fight and we have talked divorce frequently but both are stuck. We just want what's best. We know that no matter what happens it will be for the best and we will be awesome coparents. We're both scared of surviving as single parents so probably our biggest deciding factor in continuing to stay and see what happens. Hopefully we can rekindle what we had but it's been so long I don't know when to say enough is enough or if we continue and put the effort in.

TL;DR: wife and I married on same page. She wanted kids, I didnt. We had one anyways. I regret it, even though I did learn how to be a good dad and love my child. Its been a rough few years. I want to learn how to get past resentment and build a better future for myself and my daughter.

Submitted August 24, 2019 at 09:45PM by BadDad01234 https://ift.tt/2KTTTMt