I (31F) am upset my ex (36M) is insisting on staying friends with his ex who's still in love with him (34F), while we're trying to work things out. She's clearly making moves, but he doesn't get it. My gut is telling me something is wrong here. Need outsider POV.

Throwaway for anonymity. Sorry for the length, but that's as short as I can make it while still painting an accurate picture. Thank you in advance for all your insight. TL;DR at the bottom. <3

Here's some historical context- We were together for 1.5 years and he dated this woman before me for about the same amount of time. He never really loved or was attracted to her, but said he tried because she was really nice to him, which meant a lot after decade with with his bonafide-malignant-narcissist ex-wife. He tried, but said she was "really boring," doesn't have much personality, wasn't his type physically at all and he never developed the feelings he hoped he would for her. It was a "great on paper, not in real life" situation, as she is cute, rich and acted happy all the time. His friends confirmed all this. It was a drawn-out break up that he put to bed when he met me. We instantly connected and were inseparable.

A few months in, he starts getting cold feet, feeling like he went too fast with this. We definitely did and it's on both of us. At some point, they talk again. She wants him back and he breaks up with me because he is confused as all hell. I felt like a fool because I didn't have the foggiest clue this was coming. He continues to talk to both of us for a while sorting his feelings out, which he was upfront about. She tells him to choose between us and he has a Gob Bluth moment, realizing he's made a huge mistake breaking up with me. I was still pissed, but kind of got it. Him and I slowly recover and get back together two months later.

He's a great man, but has a tough time processing and communicating his feelings, coming from years of abuse from his parents and subsequent relationships. I have a shit ton of anxiety for reasons I don't need to get into. He's made great progress towards working on this, as have I, but between him taking a year-long job that put us at long distance and me dealing with a crime committed against me a few months ago, it was just too much for both of us. We broke up two months ago.

Over the past three weeks, we've both had a lot of clarity and have been talking again. Not jumping the gun on officially reuniting, but we haven't been dating others and are discussing how we're feeling about things regularly. It's been so supportive and we've made huge emotional strides, together and apart. He told me he was coming to town the weekend of my birthday and I was over the moon, but still cautious. I agreed to dinner, but tell him I'm not sure about him staying over just yet. (Spoiler alert: he did. Had the best sex of our lives.)

Here's the issue at hand- They got in contact again recently. When exactly, I don't know. He was upfront to me about this, saying she's a great person and "she will always be [his] friend" She admitted she was still in love with him, but he said he could never return those feelings. She says she'd rather have him in her life as a friend than not at all. Upon hearing this, I am leery af. Due to his past, he has a hard time letting go of people who are nice to him because it rarely happened in his life for so long. I think he also carries a lot of guilt about leading her on and breaking her heart, however, I think she knows that and is taking advantage of it. I let it go because I do not like having jealous feelings and I trust him. I just don't trust her.

TURNS THE HELL OUT that he was coming down because she bought them expensive tickets to see his favorite bands play (that she doesn't even like) for his birthday (which is months away). He admits to not mentioning it because he knew I would be upset. Turns even more out that SHE was upset that he would be spending time with me for my birthday, saying it was "weird'." She didn't want him seeing me, but he said that wasn't on the table. I tell him that I am having a hard time accepting their friendship because she's clearly just waiting for him "come around" and choose her or some shit. She admitted to not wanting us spending time together, so that tells me her actions are not innocent. He doesn't see it that way since she "knows the deal." Says it's a case of us two just needing to come around and eventually, everyone will get along. I have a hard time seeing it that way, since I'm a woman and see right through that shit. She's trying to seduce the man I frigging want to marry and it doesn't seem like she's trying to move on from him. She's also not interested in meeting me. She wants me out of the picture.

He doesn't get why I am concerned about her. I told him I was once in that unrequited love position and stuck around as a close friend, thinking he'd eventually "see what was in front of him." Once I realized that wasn't happening, I distanced myself completely until I was over it. That's why I don't trust her motives- if she was really trying to move past it, friendship with him right now would be too brutal to bare.

So I tell him my boundaries-.I'm not making ultimatums, but being clear about what certain things I can and cannot handle. The rest is his choice to make. For instance: If he stays at her place after the concert, even innocently, I will not be able to deal with that. He says he never planned to stay with her, but with his best friend tonight. He says he understands that this mess is his fault, but that she will always be part of his life and he refuses to choose between the two of us. I said I wouldn't mind her being in his life if she wasn't still in love with him, but don't understand why they wouldn't take space until she's over it.

But here I am, near-tears at the thought of them spending time together right now, wondering if I'm being played or made the fool like I was in the past. This whole fucking day has been torture, trying to keep busy while wondering what they're up to. This morning, I got two, one-word responses and nothing since. No idea if I'll see him tonight or tomorrow, my birthday and his last day here. I told myself to not be clingy and text him, but not hearing from him isn't inspiring confidence that he gets how hard this is for me or, more-alarmingly, that he might not care.

I feel like there WILL come a day where he has to choose. If she continues on like this, giving him gifts I could never afford and still harbor feelings, I don't see how we can heal our relationship if he keeps her around. His friendship with her is making me feel incredibly insecure and that's just not normal for me. Him being adamant about her remaining in his life and me needing to come to terms with that, despite my pretty reasonable reservations, is filling me anxiety and doubt. He was already getting frustrated with me yesterday when I mentioned it, even thought I only brought it up once outside the initial convo about it.

I don't agree with competing with other women like this, so I don't like the feelings this is kicking up for me. Some part of me feels for her and her heartbreak, the other finds her actions pathetic and desperate. The final part is frustrated that he's not keeping his distance for both our sakes. My gut is SCREAMING that this is not okay.

So what do I do? Do I sit him down and hash it out now? Do I hold off and hope she finally accepts it and this all fizzles out? Am I missing something here in his actions? Am I selfish for wanting him to consider my feelings over hers? Am I being too trusting? Is he being a dick and I'm just totally in denial? Do I be the bigger person, act like it doesn't bother me and let this blow over? I really need some neutral perspective, as all my friends are well-intended and want us to work it out, but are reacting from a very protective-of-me place.

TL;DR- My ex (with whom I am currently working things out) is adamant about staying friends with his ex he once broke up with me for early on. She's still in love with him, but he has no feelings for her. She bought him expensive concert tickets for his months-away bday on my bday weekend and didn't want him seeing me. He says he won't choose between us. I trust him, but I am 100% entirely uncomfortable with her presence in his life. How do I convey that discomfort and my boundaries without making an ultimatum? Should I just let it go and let it fizzle when she moves on? Am I being paranoid? Is he being an idiot? What would you do?

Submitted August 25, 2019 at 07:27PM by AITAthrowaway66689 https://ift.tt/30CLDG0