Throwaway so friends don't see.
My spouse and I have been married for four years and I'm at my wit's end. He consistently snaps at me over little things in every day conversation. We have gone to therapy for this, but it doesn't permanently change. He makes an effort to change after therapy or after I call him out when he does it, but it is short-lived. He tells me that he tries to be conscientious of how he speaks to me, but he does this for a little bit and then goes back to responding to me in a rude, condescending tone when there's no need to talk to me that way when we're discussing every day things or I'm asking him simple questions. I don't think that he's verbally abusive because he does not yell at me or call me names, but his tone is snappy, short, and patronizing.
He's in the army and our counselor thinks that he has trouble switching off from work. We've talked in couples counseling about him making more of an effort to talk to me like his wife and not one of his soldiers. Our therapist also said that sometimes I need to focus on what he's saying and not how he's saying it. I try to do that, but when he snaps at me for no reason I completely shut down in the conversation. It's bad enough that he does it in private, but sometimes he does it in public which is embarrassing. Sometimes he says sorry, but other times he brings up that our therapist said I need to stop focusing on the tone and focus on what he's saying. However, even his friends have commented on how he randomly snaps at me so I don't think I'm the only who sees it as problematic!
He recently brought up that he wants to try for a baby when he gets home and I know he really, really, really wants a baby so the snapping and my need for him to change has become even more prevalent. It makes me wonder how he would be as a father though I'd never tell him that because I know it would really hurt him. It makes me wonder whether he'd snap at our child and makes me wonder whether our child would start to speak to me in the same way because he or she sees him doing it. Should we look for a new therapist? Should he go to anger management? What can I do so the change is permanent and long-term? I don't want to leave, but at this rate I just don't think starting a family is in anyone's best interest. Is it normal for spouse's to snap at one another randomly? Should I just listen to the couple's counselor and focus on what he's saying instead of his tone? Should I continue to call him out and see if eventually it changes for the better if I keep bringing it to his attention? I'm lost on what to do.
TL;DR Partner snaps at me during regular, every day conversation or when I ask him simple questions. Other people have pointed it out to him, as well. We have gone to couple's counseling but it has not helped to resolve the problem. Counselor thinks that he has difficulty switching between army life and home life, and thinks that I need to try to focus on what he's saying and not on his tone. This is hard because when he snaps at me I can't help but shut down. He wants to have a child, but I am questioning it because of how he speaks to me and wondering whether he'd make a good dad if he can't permanently change how he talks to me on a daily basis. Is there anything I can do so that this changes or is it doomed?
Submitted July 03, 2019 at 05:53PM by RV19900991 https://ift.tt/2Japskc
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