My (28) husband (31) and I have been married going on five years. He expects me to ask him permission when I go out. I am okay with saying, "Hey husband, I have plans with so and so after work," and if he has something planned he can let me know at that time. I think it's courteous to let one another know what we're doing and where we're going. His expectation though is that I say, "Hey husband, can I go to dinner with so and so?" This is his expectation for literally anything I want to do. If I tell him rather than ask him, he makes jokes that he just won't let me leave the house or tells me to stop testing him.
I try to tell him that it's not normal and I'm not happy, but this is normally the gist of how our conversations go: Me - Why do I need to ASK you instead of just letting you know? Him - If it makes me feel better, why does it matter? I never say no to anything. Me - Because I think it's controlling. Him - Omg you act like you're being battered.
I know deep down what he's doing is wrong, but I don't know how to explain this to him in a way that he'll understand. It's hard for me to reconcile that it's abusive because when I start to think that, I start to think about all of the ways that he's not. He's never ever hit me, he doesn't yell during fights, I control our finances and maintain our budget because he isn't as responsible with money, he doesn't isolate me, etc.
I really, really don't want a divorce. Our marriage was not like this in the past. I just went places and let him know and that was that. If he had something planned or wanted to spend time together, he would just communicate and most of the time I'd change my plans. I'm not really sure looking back where it began to change because it happened so slowly I guess over time. I spent most of my 20s with him and was hoping our 30s would be spent starting a family and am terrified to just throw our marriage away. I don't think this is normal, but he shuts the conversations down so I don't know how to communicate how wrong it is? Any advice would help.
TL;DR My husband thinks I need to ask him for permission to go out and I don't know how to change this dynamic without ending our marriage.
Submitted June 03, 2019 at 03:59PM by throwawayacct1918 http://bit.ly/2XmPKEs
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