Got a couple messages wondering what happened after I learned I'm not related to my mom, so I thought I'd do an update, although it's not much of one.
I talked to the egg donor early last year after she nervously reached out to me. It turned out that she was an egg donor years ago and was looking for any children that may have been born from that. I'd learned over the last few years that my father was a sperm donor and my mom had done IVF treatments, so this was just the final piece of that puzzle.
I haven't met my egg donor since she lives on the other side of the country, but we've kept up a steady stream of contact and she seems very nice. She was also very excited to hear from me and talks to me in an extremely motherly way that I almost find unnerving. I also found out I have a couple of older biological half-sisters and a younger half-brother.
As for talking to my mom about my discovery, I haven't been able to do that. She's been caring for an ailing parent/her only other family member, and I can't bring myself to introduce this stress into her life. And, if I'm being honest, I'm not ready to deal with the anger I know I'll have as a result.
I don't think there's an answer she can give me that will erase the fact that she lied to or kept my medical history from me, especially since she knew I had anxiety about not having half of my medical history on the sperm donor side. My egg donor and others in her family have histories of serious depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues--issues I dealt with long before I knew what they were but which my mom has no experience with. I just wish I'd known a lot sooner.
It's been kind of a lot to process since I haven't been able to find anyone else in this situation. I know people have learned about sperm donor fathers/adoptive parents/affairs through DNA tests, and this...isn't quite any of those scenarios. It's strange knowing that the woman who gave birth to me and raised me also kept a secret like this. It's like I found out I was adopted, except the egg donor/sperm donor have never even met, so there's not even a dark story that explains the lie as a way to protect me.
tl;dr: Found my egg donor through a DNA test. She's nice. My mom doesn't know I know yet.
Edit: I've edited my post to reflect the language used in the comments here. In regards to commenters who suggested I in any way meant that the woman who donated her egg was a "real mother" and my mom isn't my real mom, that's absolutely not the case, which I believed I made clear in this and my last post. I don't care that I'm not related to my real mom, I care that I was lied to, and I appreciate commenters who have replied to that aspect of this post.
As for how she reached out to me, it was done via the website where I took a DNA test. I was looking for people I was related to, as was she. By being "mom-like", I don't mean I'm accepting her as a long-lost mother and inviting her over for the holidays, and I, like the commenters, am furious about the idea that she could replace my mom. I simply included that part because it's part of how strange this situation is for me. In no way did I say or mean that I support this behavior.
Thank you to commenters who understand this confusing situation from various perspectives and who helped me understand the correct language to use. I appreciate everyone's sympathy for my mom, and especially those of you who've given me advice and things to think about before I discuss this with her.
Submitted March 02, 2019 at 04:43AM by notasponsoredpost https://ift.tt/2EpdcJ3
No comments:
Post a Comment