I [29F] haven’t felt loved by my boyfriend [33M] of 11 months since valentine’s day and I don’t know if I should break up with him.

My BF always had a lot of female friendships and he is a great friend, he is generous and kind, always there to listen, or help out. He is one of those “good people” that offers to go to working bees, and gives friends loans and places to stay etc.

I have no problem with him having platonic female friendships but lately I haven’t been feeling loved and valued by him as he has been terrible and planning and committing to weekend plans. Which leaves me feeling like I wasted the last few weekends staying in town when I could have gone camping and explored the countryside. We end up doing small things like going to a restaurant or rock climbing for an hour or so, but I don’t feel these activities are enough for me to stay in town for the whole weekend.

​

BF has a friend A who is a suicidal alcoholic, she is normally fine but every 10 months or so becomes suicidal and needs a lot of care. I don’t like to intrude on this friendship because I feel I don’t know very much about depression/suicide/alcoholicism and I respect her need for privacy/confidentiality when talking about such things.

Lately she has been having a hard time, he has on occasion taxi’d her to his place to stay, stayed over at her place, taken calls at 3-4am in the morning from her, had her stay over for a whole weekend (which meant I couldn’t stay over when I normally do, it’s a small 1BR apartment and really 3 people would have been cramped, he stayed on the couch when she stayed over).

On valentines day I got a call wishing me a happy valentines day and letting me know what A was staying over at his place because trains were cancelled to hers. We did do fun valentines day things and he was very romantic, but even though I trust him, I still don’t like being in a relationship where I get called to be told other women are staying over. I want to be a better person and let him help these women, but I don’t know how.

​

Then he has another friend B, who he dances with on Tuesday nights, he openly talks about their dance chemistry, he only goes dancing to see her, he normally calls me over after he comes home (around 12:30-1am, we are night owls so are typically up til 2-3am), but this just makes me feel like a booty call.

​

Other friend C, is actually his ex before me, they share a mutual hobby and C organised an event for it, it sounded fun and I expressed interest in going, BF says that she (C) would be uncomfortable if I came, I didn’t realise there was any bad blood between us, I thought she seemed cool, but they didn’t work out. He tells me that there are still feelings between them (which is apparently normal for him) but he makes sure to not hang out with her too much. He then went to this event without me.

He also has other female friendships who often throw our plans about, as in they’re having a bad day so they show up and drink at his house and sleep on the couch.

​

I don’t believe he is the cheating kind. He is a wonderful person, better than I could be.

I am not generous like him, I don’t give my friends loans to buy motorbikes, I dont rush over when someone is having a bad day (I would if there was something serious that happened but not just for a bad day).

I think he has a bit of a hero complex and likes to save/help people as most of his friend circle are kinda….”non starters” they are quite needy, generally poor or between jobs, and often have heaps of excuses for not succeeding in various endeavours. They are the kind of people that would ask him to bring chicken soup when they have a cold, where as I would probably just look after myself and carry on.

He is not like them at all, he has a good career, is a successful athlete and has many hobbies.

​

I feel like bringing up these issues sound like i am being controlling and trying to stop him hanging out with his friends. I don’t want to be that person. I AM happy for him to have female friends! But i think some of these women rely on him a bit too much to the point where i feel like less of a priority as i dont "need" him, per say. I feel like I should just let him go, any woman would need extreme levels of confidence and security in herself to be his GF and while I am generally secure I just don’t think I have enough self confidence to be okay with these things (sleepovers, late night phone calls and going to events with an ex where his ex doesn’t want me there).

​

Am i being controlling, or is this normal behaviour with platonic friends? Seeking input on this situation. Do we have incompatible relationship/friendship boundaries? Or would communicating this make me a bad person for preventing him from helping others?

TL:DR Im not sure if I’m being controlling or if these behaviours are normal from BFs female friends.

Submitted March 03, 2019 at 12:56AM by ExtremeSeesaw4 https://ift.tt/2EJqLo3