I think me and my widowed sister-in-law have developed feelings for each other, and I feel guilty about it

Sorry for the long read in advance.

I’ll start at the beginning. I’m the second oldest(37m) of five kids, and I’m Irish twins with my older brother Tom(38m). There’s also my younger siblings, Simone (35f), Josh(33m) and Patrick(32m). The joke among us siblings is that our parents didn’t discover what condoms were until after the youngest sibling was born. Me and Tom were raised together as twins basically, so we’ve always been very close. At his wedding to his wife Hope(38f), I was his best man. Me and Hope got along together very well, and she became the other sister I always wanted. We would always hang out and double date whenever I was with someone. Hell we’d hang out solo on occasion and go to concerts.

Tom and Hope had their first kid Justin(10m), and I became the best uncle I possibly could be. I would gladly babysit him when I got the chance, and hell, even just take him for the fun of it. Tom and Hope even joked that I was trying to take their kid from them. Then a few year later, they had twin girls Lindsay and Alex(6f). Those two were a handful, but I loved them just as much as I did Justin.

Then five years ago, tragedy struck. Tom died in an auto accident. The less said about this, the better, but I don’t think I have to tell you that I was broken beyond repair. This was my older brother, my confidant and my best friend and he died so suddenly and so unfairly. I was a mess, but Hope was catatonic for a few days. She took it even worse than I did, and who the hell could blame her? Thankfully we had a tremendous amount of support from friends and family, and with therapy, and a lot of time we’ve come to healthily process our grief and overcome it.

In the immediate aftermath, I pledged myself to Hope and the kids. I could never replace Tom, but I did what I could to fill in where I could. If that included taking Justin to the park, helping him with homework, changing the twins diapers, or fixing stuff around the house, I was there with bells on. Eventually, this just became routine, we had dinner together, I would hang out and make sure everyone and everything was okay.

Those kids became my world, Justin took it hard since he and his dad were close, so he latched on to me hard. The twins however, never knew him so they were perfectly happy. I actually credit their ignorance and happiness with helping me through that time. There’s a lot more I can write about that time, but I think you get the point. I was hanging around Hope and the kids so much that we became like a little family of our own. I would never try to take my brothers place, but I’m not blind to dynamics. They need me, and I need them.

Me and Hope already had a sibling bond before Tom’s passing, but it was strengthened through trauma bonding afterward. We found comfort in each other, telling stories about Tom and just crying in each other’s arms. After a year or so, I dragged her to a concert so she could begin to feel normal. It was hard for her at first, but in the end she appreciated it. She started slowly going out over the next few months, at her own pace. Whether it just be for dinners, parties, museum visits, or even just walks, we both started to live our lives again. Over the past five years I dare say we became dependent on each other.

But things have begun changing with us over the past couple of years. For example, tek years ago, she saw me swiping on Tinder and she just sorta rolled her eyes and said that I could do better than random Tinder chicks. We went to a party her work was having last year and she was sorta flirting with this guy and I got pretty jealous. I went on a date earlier in the year and she looked a little upset at first when I told her about it. The twins and made me cards for Father’s day, and I started tearing up in front of them. Hope just said with a smile “well if the shoe fits”. “Even my parents straight up told me that I should ask her out since we were basically a couple already. I told them they were crazy, but surprisingly even my siblings agreed.

There were other small incidents, but those are the big ones that had me noticing our changing dynamic. In the summer she floated the idea of me moving in to cut down on costs and because I “basically lived at their house anyway”. Then just last week we were drinking wine on her couch after putting the kids to bed, and I felt energy between us, like sexual tension. I think she noticed it to, because she was kind of awkward, and not her usual silly self when she’s had a few glasses of wine.

There was a moment when we were talking where I wanted to kiss her, and I SWEAR she was leaning in. But I put a stop to it before I went to far. I now realize that I have feelings for her, strong ones, and I think she feels the same way.

For what it’s worth, I’ve done some polling amongst our family and friends. Her parents and sisters love me, and they’d be happy if we got together. Some of our friends think it’s cute, but could be a little messed up. My family is begging me to do it anyway. Me personally, I don’t know.

I don’t know if what we’re feeling is real, or just trauma bonding. Hell, I don’t even know if she feels the same way and I’m just misreading things. Plus there’s my brother’s memory lingering over me. I feel like I’m picking up his life and taking it over, especially by trying to get with his wife. It makes me feel so damn guilty. But I can’t help feeling the way I feel.

So reddit, what the hell do I do? Should I ask her out? Is this wrong to do with a grieving widow? Should I just let sleeping dogs lie?

Tl;dr: My brother died, I tried my best to help my brother's family in the aftermath, we become a family, and I develop feelings for widowed sister-in-law

Submitted November 10, 2022 at 03:19PM by Throwawayxxxxii https://ift.tt/nVwCKsN