There is a project I've been dreaming about doing for a long time, like years. I said the other day that I wanted to just go for it and do it. She got upset and said it was wasteful to spend money on that because we're supposed to be saving to buy a house. I want to note that I have twice the savings she does. I feel like anything that I try to do that takes my focus away from "us" she poo poos.
When it's something that benefits "us" or something she finds cool, she's super supportive. Telling everyone all about it. But if it's something she doesn't understand or isn't interested in, she gets upset that I'm even thinking about it.
Her life kind of revolves around "us" and mine simply doesn't. I want to be an individual within a relationship. Something I've explained to her many times. She's worked since she turned 18 and never taken time to herself, so she doesn't have a lot of hobbies or interests. Even things I do, she folds into "us". I grew our garden this year and she tells friends "we grew x,y,z". I built a bench and she tells friends "we built a bench in the backyard". I'll give her credit that she's quitting her job soon and going to take a few months off and explore some things she's been interested in. I'm hoping that will help her establish her own identity outside of me.
I've communicated countless times my need for independence. I think she gets it, but when it's something that involves both of us, she has an excuse to stand in the way. I worry it will always be like this. And if we have kids, she'll have double the excuse to stand in my way.
We've been together 3 years and I know her friends keep asking when I'm going to propose. We talk about marriage and rings etc. I haven't felt ready because of things like I'm describing, but the heat is on.
I don't have enough money to do everything on the list....buying property, an engagement ring (which I'm completely against but she wants), a wedding, and starting a business in my new field. The business is a priority of mine because it fulfills me. But if I prioritize the business over a wedding or property, she's not going to be supportive because it will delay the "us" goals.
I'll admit that there are things I haven't pursued because I knew she wouldn't be on board. For example, there was an opportunity for me in this new field where I could learn alot but I would have to be across the country for 3 months. I'm ok with doing long distance for a bit, but she's always said long-distance would never work for her. In her defense, I never told her about the opportunity. But I feel confident, the crappy pay and distance, she wouldn't have been supportive. Again, if it stands in the way of "us", it's a problem. But it's something I definitely would have done if I was single.
Before you ask, why do you stay? We get along really well, no arguing or anything. We're a really good team. We've known each other for over a decade so we know everything about each other. There's a lot of trust. She's my best friend.
Is this the compromise that's part of relationships? If so, is it possible to be 100% whole when you're doing life with someone else?
Tl;dr: My girlfriend stands in the way of anything I pursue that's outside our relationship
Submitted November 19, 2021 at 01:14PM by JacM23 https://ift.tt/3DCE7yu
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