I'm an anxiously attached person (30M) with an avoidantly attached partner (31F). We've been together 5 years, engaged for 3. I'm going to write out some obvious dealbreakers, because I am beginning to feel stupid for remaining in this relationship.
- Sleeps from dawn until ~8pm, every day, for the last 2 years. This means I am always alone during the day, and she has almost no responsibilities. Constantly for years promises to "work on it," then stays up until dawn that same night.
- Has not worked in 2 years. This summer I asked that she work, while I took a couple months off to recover from a nervous breakdown (multifactorial). She has not looked for work, and when we run out of money she asks me to borrow money from my parents. When this comes up, she criticizes me for the way I spent money when I had a job.
- I'm a medical doctor, and although I'm now ready to get back to work, I've been unable to because getting my licensure in order is expensive and we are broke. Because she hasn't gotten a job, I've been unable to get this done. When I said I'd get a job at a coffee shop or something, she forbid me from doing so, because it meant I was avoiding getting a more lucrative job as a doctor.
- Avoids cultivating shared interests. During our relationship, I've rediscovered an old passion for literature and movies. She previously shared that interest, but has abandoned it. She says she only likes "goofy conversations" about "how fast food tastes" - literally the most superficial possible topic, and one I have zero interest in.
- Her relationship with her longtime best friend (a gay man whose personality happens to be very similar to mine) meets the definition of an 'emotional affair.' When she visits him, they go out and do things together I'd love to do with her; when she gets home, she is so sad to have left she sleeps for several days straight. When he visits us (often for weeks at a time), they never leave the house, playing 2 person games and blasting music I don't enjoy for literally 14 hours a day, and she reliably picks huge fights that leave me feeling uncomfortable being around them. I'm pretty sure this friendship has contributed to the end of previous relationships.
- Avoids my family and friends. When I go see my family, she claims to feel 'sick' or just 'not up to it' ~75% of the time. When she does come along, she typically isolates herself by cooking and doing the dishes, then later says she resents the 'emotional labor.' My family has been keeping us fed and housed for several months.
Our relationship has become extremely harmful to me. I recently asked her for a 3-6 month break, so we could work on ourselves separately. She is refusing. I know this has run its course, I know she'll never put the effort in while we're together, I know our relationship has taken me from "talented if slightly spacey doctor" to "unemployed guy who gets nervous taking the dog outside." But somehow I feel so guilty afraid and ashamed by the prospect of a breakup. I know her childhood was rough, I know she's not self-aware about our dynamic, I know I share blame in the dynamic that's developed. And I know she's an extremely bright, sensitive person who cares deeply about her family. And I feel like I've eaten up 5 years of the prime of her life. God. Dammit.
tldr: Partner and I are crashing and burning. I need to work up the courage to just end it.
Submitted November 07, 2021 at 11:02AM by Massive_Cheetah_2024 https://ift.tt/3bSpkU8
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