My boyfriend is acting like he's my dad or mentor, and has made me feel like I'm not a good enough girlfriend for him

I (25F) thought I signed up for a relationship, but so far I feel like I'm some inexperienced cook in Hell's Kitchen and like my boyfriend (32M) is Gordon Ramsey, punishing me for doing everything wrong and scolding me into becoming a better person, you know? We’ve been living together for the past year and he is a wonderful partner, but, like everyone, he has his flaws as well. He is very stubborn and doesn’t listen to anyone. He thinks he’s always right, especially between the two of us. He is extremely sensitive to certain things, so he’s made a habit of pointing out all of my mistakes and making a big deal out of them. He’s somehow taken on the role of being some kind of mentor or teacher to me, which I never wanted. I’m all for learning from your partner and becoming a better person, but if you both do it simultaneously. So far, I’ve been the only one in the relationship that has had to learn and grow, and work towards becoming a better partner.

We have gotten in arguments about these things many times. I rarely ever start arguments, but not because he doesn’t do anything wrong, but because I tend to overlook the things that he does wrong. He gets very defensive when I confront him about anything and he never realizes that he’s done something wrong, let alone take responsibility for it. I know that I can never “win” in an argument with him, so I just never start them.

On the other hand, he’s always confronting me and taking notes of what I do, and I’m not saying he’s never right, but sometimes certain arguments are completely uncalled for. The things he pretty much always confronts me about are my “flaws” in communication. It’s always the way I said something, the tone I used, a joke I’ve made, using the wrong word in a certain conversation, not reacting to something the way he expected I would react... I feel like I constantly get scolded over things that other people get away with on a daily basis. It feels like everyone in the world is allowed to make mistakes except me. I can never relax in a conversation anymore; I’m always overthinking the words that come out of my mouth and analyzing whether I’ve used the right tone, or whether I’ve reacted “correctly” to something he’s said. When he goes silent at moments, I immediately start going back to everything I’ve said that day and trying to find where I went wrong. If I see that he’s not actually angry at me, I get a feeling of relief. I never do these things with a bad intent. I’ve apologized every single time I've made a mistake and said that I should have been more careful. And even that’s not enough sometimes because it doesn’t resolve the issue, he just ends up giving me the silent treatment until he’s okay again.

I once asked him, do you scold everyone in your life over small things like these? He said “No, but I have to say them to you because we spend all of our time together. If it was someone else, I wouldn’t be so bothered by it, because I would just go home and not have to see them any time soon.” I find it really confusing because he makes me feel good about myself in every other sense. Recently I started looking for a job and he made a big speech about how I was very intelligent, skilled, beautiful, and how any company would be lucky to have me. He constantly builds me up as a person, but then he unintentionally tears me down as a girlfriend. I think it's unfair that he thinks he can act like that with me just because we live together. Knowing that I'm the only person in his life that receives this treatment makes me feel like he doesn't show me the same respect and that he gives everyone else the benefit of the doubt, except me. Like no one else is obligated to be that careful around him, and I honestly envy those people.

He’s the first person in my life that has ever made me feel like this. None of my exes, friends, family or colleagues have ever said to me that I’m a bad communicator. I hope I don’t sound overdramatic but all of these situations have started taking their toll on me. I feel like in order have his own insecurities unharmed, he’s intensified mine. For months now, I’ve been feeling like an incompetent partner. I started wondering if there’s a girl out there that could be a better partner to him, make him happier and not do so many things wrong around him. I started feeling like I’m not smart or experienced enough, like I don’t have common sense and I don't have the ability to communicate well. It has increased my social anxiety, and seeing as I’ve always been a bit shy and introverted, I feel like I find it that much harder to talk to people now. I’ve never told him this because I feel like I won’t be heard or understood by him. What is the best way I can have this conversation with him so that I can make him understand what I’m going through? It’s hard to invoke empathy from him but I really need to try.

TL;DR: My boyfriend is constantly scolding me over small things that I do wrong in our daily communication, and he thinks he needs to teach me how to talk and behave in certain situations. It has made me feel like a dumb, incompetent partner that's not good/smart enough for him.

Submitted June 24, 2021 at 06:28AM by Content_Ganache8197 https://ift.tt/35WorXn