my (23nb) flatmate (23f) puts limits on how i spend time with my bf (23m) and i'm so frustrated i don't know if she's being reasonable anymore

~obligatory apology for formatting on mobile - also apologies for length lol might have got carried away ~

this has been going on for months now but has just reared its ugly head again and im at my wit's end trying to accommodate both people so im finally giving in and asking a neutral audience

for background: i (23nb) have known my flatmate Sara (23f) for 5 years, we went to university together, and have lived together for the past 2 years. our tenancy ends in 2 months and we're both moving elsewhere (her to a different city with her bf Ryan (23m)). i have known my partner Lee (23m) for about 2 years, starting as fwb for about a year and a half and we starting dating properly 6 months ago. im happier than ive ever been with him.

whilst we were fwb (~ 1 year ago) there was an incident with my flatmate where she wound him up by teasing him until he suddenly snapped and shouted at her to stop, and she refused to let him come back for several months because she said his aggression triggered her and reminded her of her ex and she felt unsafe. he apologised immediately and tried to explain that shouting in his house is completely normal and he just snapped and didn't think it through, but she stood her ground as she said she felt threatened and i ended up kicking him out. i didn't talk much to Lee during the next few months, even though we had previously gone exclusive fwb due to the pandemic (and probably due to some underlying feelings). this was tough for us both and he felt really guilty about what happened and apologized to me multiple times, and asked to apologise to Sara but she said it would be self serving to him so she didn't want it, she just wanted him to stay out the house. fair enough.

it was clear that when Lee and I started talking again after those few months of quiet, she was really unhappy. Ryan moved up to live with us during the pandemic so I lived with them as a couple for about a year, and found it extremely difficult, not least because I was in a key worker role and felt I couldn't relax in my flat because of Ryan's presence at the end of the day. there's nothing wrong with Ryan but he was always at best an aquaintance. Lee was a really great support at this time and we went on a lot of walks and picnics etc to stay out the house but still spend time with each other (we were still friends at this point).

a lot has changed since then - since we got together Sara agreed that he could stay 3 nights a week (we started at 1 and worked our way up lol) but she didn't want any more because Ryan's not living with us anymore so she felt unsafe. she keeps track of the nights even though we've rarely gone over. I didn't understand but I didn't want to risk losing her friendship or upsetting her when we still had a lot of lockdown time to get through as well as many months of our tenancy. we have tried our best to stick to 3 nights a week at my flat, even though Lee still lives at home and it can be really difficult to be there. she still flat out says she doesn't like him or trust him due to the incident.

we are caught up to present day. she works in a school and last week one of the kids tested positive, so she needed to isolate for 2 weeks. my country's law states i only need to isolate if she tests positive, and she's only tested negative so far, so ive been going about my life as usual. however she's asked if Lee can not be here at all this week whilst she's isolating because she would feel "trapped". this puts us in a difficult situation because Lee still lives in his family home and since I have my own flat/the world's opening up again, it makes sense that they don't have a ton of extra space or money to accommodate another person beyond a night or two a week. they're also on a tight budget so i appreciate the impact it would have if i was eating their food and using their water to shower etc more than i already am.

so the issue: Sara's been getting really passive aggressive with me this week because I've not been spending much time at home with her, and she thinks I should be (?) because I'm her flatmate and she's not getting any other social contact. to be honest, we've spent so much time together over the past year or so with the lockdown that I'm quite sick of her company - I don't dislike her, we've just starting getting on each others nerves dead easily, which I think is totally understandable considering the situation - we never expected to spend all that time together!! it upsets my boyfriend that there is still such an issue and that she is effectively getting to influence how we spend our time. She's aware of the impact it has. She also frequently tells me she thinks my boyfriend and I spend too much time together, and her and Ryan were never like this "at the beginning", so I don't think it's entirely unrelated. I'm getting really frustrated with her and I'm now actively avoiding going back to my flat until I absolutely have to, which is not helping the friendship at all. She's been known to have double standards (e.g. critising my decisions during covid when she was making similar/more risky choices) which is definitely impacting my judgement.

my questions are: how do I deal with this going forward? Am I being an ass by not spending time with her whilst she's isolating? Is this just her issue with my bf that's clearly never going to go away? Should I just avoid her as much as possible til our tenancy ends to preserve the friendship or will that just kill it further?

also has anyone else had a similar situation where they've managed to tackle the issue and stay friends? This doesn't seem like an irredeemable situation, I'm just so frustrated and hurt by her limitations that I don't even know if they're valid anymore. It's important to note that I still have a lot of uni friends in the area (~10) and she only has 1 or 2, which means we have quite different social lives (her boyfriend also lives ~ 1 hour away rn). I just don't know what's reasonable anymore, and I'm so non confrontational I really don't want to start a sh*tstorm with only 2 months to go. this is the only thing we have ever fallen out about in 5 years.

answers to all of the above questions appreciated x

TL;DR my flatmate doesn't like my boyfriend and puts limits on when he can be here, and then gets annoyed at me when i spend time with him elsewhere rather than at home with her. due to previous issues i don't really want to give into this. is it worth tackling or do i ignore it?

Submitted June 24, 2021 at 06:20AM by zestyem https://ift.tt/3wTGEAN