I had him when I was really young and not in the right stage of life to be raising a child. Particularly without his biological father. For that reason my brother (40/M) and SIL (40/F) adopted him and raised him as their own. We agreed to keep the adoption hidden until he was ready to process the information. At the time I thought that was best because the adults in my life had said as much (and because I truly just wanted to move on from the abusive relationship that I found myself in at so young an age) but over the years I've done some reading and it seems it's actually better to be honest with the child from a young age so that the adoption isn't such a shock and to really just open those lines of communication early on.
In any case it wasn't really my choice. I was ready to go along with whatever my brother and SIL wanted and they wanted to raise him thinking he was their biological son. Once the adoption went through, I finished high school a year early and moved to the other side of the country for uni ... and to really just start over somewhere new. Since then things have only changed for the better. I have my own career going and a solid group of friends that I consider family at this point. Once or twice a year I do go back to my hometown to visit my actual family but I haven't for the past couple of years. In part it's just uncomfortable for me being there because I feel out of place now but also ... my SIL has kind of always had it out for me.
My mum thinks it's because my SIL is resentful of the fact that she couldn't have her own biological children. SIL is from a very traditional upbringing, so I guess that sort of thing matters to her more than it does other people. That's fair enough but still doesn't explain why she has always been so rude and standoffish toward me. Recently my nephew scored a game winning goal for his hockey team, a short clip of which my SIL had posted to social media. I liked the post and left a quick comment in support. Within that same day SIL blocked me and I'm still confused as to why. Honestly I would probably try to have more of a presence in my nephew's life if my SIL weren't so weird about us interacting. Does she think if we hang out long enough that he will magically sense I gave birth to him and ask to come live with me instead?
That is not how it works. And I would never tell him the truth as it's not my place. They are his parents. They are the ones who have raised him for fourteen years. Been there for every birthday, dentist appointment, hockey game, etc. I am just that distant aunt that he sees at Christmas. I respect them as his parents and I always have. That is why it makes not one shred of sense to me that my SIL would have told her son the truth in the way that she did. Apparently my nephew went to a friend's house after school one day and stayed out too late, didn't answer his phone, etc. He had been acting out too much for my SIL's liking and so when he finally came home, they got into an argument whilst my brother was still at work and she ended up saying something along the lines of, "If you were really my son, you wouldn't be like this!"
My nephew was confused by that and so he persisted until she explained the truth to him. Not only that he was adopted, but that he happens to my biological son and that his biological father was a slightly older guy who had taken advantage of me when I was still very young. Part of the reason my brother had wanted to keep the truth from my nephew was due to the circumstances of the adoption. He didn't want his son to know that he was the result of such a shitty situation. My SIL decided otherwise without telling any of the other people involved and now my nephew knows the truth.
He was the one who called me and asked if it was true. I was completely caught off guard and didn't know what to say. It was the middle of the night and I could tell he had been crying. I told him that it was true because I wasn't about to lie to him (more than I already had) and now his parents are considering getting a divorce. The whole situation is out of control and I'm not really sure what I can do to help. My nephew has expressed the fact that he would like to get to know me and honestly speaking I would like that as well but I just ... don't really know how to go about it. I spoke to my therapist about everything and she said to just go into it as though I'm getting to know my biological nephew. Forget the history. It can wait.
I'm going home for Christmas in a couple of weeks. I'll see everyone then. How do I navigate the situation?
tl;dr SIL, who has always been resentful towards me, told nephew the truth during an argument with him. Now that he knows the truth, I'm not sure how to navigate seeing everyone at Christmas. Especially him. How do I go about this in a way that's best for him?
Submitted December 05, 2019 at 03:35PM by nephewsaidthis https://ift.tt/33QFAyw
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