My [34f] son's [8m] father [34m] keeps giving him expensive electronics. We can't afford to do the same for our daughters. Not sure how to handle situation, advice?

I [34f] had a son with Bob [34m]. My son's name is Junior [8m]. We were only together a few years.

Bob is an extremely materialistic person. He sees things like "rent" and "lights" as commodities while The Car Payment and The Latest Phone are necessities. It's one of the reasons we broke it off. I mention this because he does not pay any child support, only half of whatever itemized bill I present for medical or school expenses. Honestly, I'm ok with this. Getting money out of Bob when it's not for him is like pulling teeth and I am financially comfortable enough not to need it.

ETA: He doesn't pay cash because the judge ordered $50/mo in support. We decided on half medical expenses instead because that's more per month than the judge ordered and his mother ran down one side of him and up the other when he tried to argue (one of the few times she did). I just make too much to get more and not enough to be rich enough for this not to be an issue.

I married Steve [35m] a year ago. Steve has two girls of his own [7,8]. Their mother is barely scraping by (consequences of her own decisions) so she doesn't pay any child support at all.

I say all this to make the point that despite not having any (or much) financial support, we're comfortable. We still budget, we put away in savings, we don't keep flashy "new" things in the house all the time.

Bob, however, does. He makes 50k a year, lives with his parents who don't ask him to pay any bills, he's only responsible for himself. He buys a new car every other year and eats the depreciation value on resale just to get another new one, every new model phone on release day, gadgets, laptops, computers, you name it.

Honestly, I'm more than a little jealous which is why I'm asking here for a sanity check and advice.

Whenever he gets something new, he keeps the last one he bought for backup and gives the other one before it to our son. For example, Bob bought an iPhone X, then an 11, then an 11 Pro Max. He gave Junior the X this past weekend.

That brings us to 1 laptop, 5 tablets, 4 phones all just at our home; he has a few gaming systems, desktop computer, and other electronics at his grandparents/dads house; just Junior's, his dad has more of his own.

I've tried to walk a fine line between letting Junior know that his father's lifestyle choices and lavish gifts are unusual without being derogatory or dismissive of those choices. This is because I make significantly more than his father and Junior doesn't quite grasp why his father buys these things but we do not (we're open about our financials to a point with the kids). Kids don't understand health insurance and mortgage payments and saving for retirement or vacations, emergencies, etc. We teach them financial responsibility at a smaller level so they build good habits but they're just not ready to understand it like adults understand it.

So, my first question is: Is there a better way to explain to him these kind of different financial choices in a way he'll understand without speaking negatively about his father's choices?

Next question is about the girls. Like I said, their mother can barely afford herself let alone new shiny gadgets. They have their own electronics but they're older, they're what we can afford and what we think is appropriate for kids their age to be responsible for, certainly not the latest and greatest.

Now, I've raised my son to be humble, to appreciate what you are gifted and what you earn. He absolutely does not brag about what he has or compares what he has with what other kids have. But he's reasonably excited about his electronics and fancy toys, who wouldn't be?! He's not excessive but every time he comes home with something new the girls are plainly jealous; happy for their brother, but still confused as to why they don't get these new fancy things, too.

On the one hand, this imbalance is building character for all of them: the girls are learning to temper their jealousy when someone they love has a fancy thing they don't; Junior is learning to be aware of the line between sharing his excitement and bragging, to understand that he has been given a privilege others may not get as well.

On the other hand, I can see a divide slowly forming in my family and it's breaking my heart. I want the girls to have all of these nice things, too; I don't want Junior to feel like an "outsider" or that he has to hide his nice things or his excitement in using them. I love all three of my children and I want the very, very best for each of them even if I'm not the one to provide it.

How can I strike a balance between the children's "luxuries"? How do I make it clear to all the children that they've done nothing wrong, we're not choosing not to buy any of the kids these things because of something they've done but that Junior's father is choosing to gift these things because he's got holes for pockets (but nicer)?

TL;DR My son's father spends a LOT on luxury items which he gifts to my son often as he upgrades. My husband and I can't afford to do the same for his daughters. How do we handle the imbalance in luxury items between our children while not disrespecting my son's father or punishing my son for having/enjoying them?

Submitted November 11, 2019 at 03:58PM by Throwaway_4_Blegh https://ift.tt/36Ua0lX