I've been best friends with James for about 9 years. We've been through a lot together. Within a year of befriending him I lost both my parents, and he helped me deal with it having lost his mum the year before. When he wanted to quit drinking I, having been in AA for 2 years, offered to be his sponsor and I helped him through that. At one point I was in a relationship that turned abusive and James was the one that helped get me out of it. We bonded very quickly because of these things, and in present day I can't imagine life without him. Nothing romantic ever happened with us. I think of him as a brother, and he thinks of me as a sister. I'm godmother to his 2 year old son.
James has been for the most part sober since he started AA, but has had a few slips, the most recent being last New Year, which I helped him through, and he's wanted to relapse a lot more than that, the most recent being at his bachelor party when his well meaning soon to be brother in law forgot about his sobriety and tried to make him drink, and I was the one to stop him.
James has been with his wife, Jen, for about 3.5 years. Last year James said to me that he'd had to have a talk with Jen about our relationship because we'd gone out to dinner alone. James said that after their talk she was feeling a lot better about our friendship but after that I still got weird vibes from her. When we hung out around her, she would hover nearby and inject herself into our conversations. This wouldn't be a problem, but if we were referencing an inside joke she would get irritated, if we wanted to go somewhere she would give us a reason we couldn't ("I might be going to the shop later so you need to look after the baby" and then she wouldn't go to the shop), and the last time I went to his place and she was there we'd agreed to talk for at least a few hours, but she asked me to leave within about half an hour. She's never been openly rude or anything, just maybe a bit hostile.
They got married yesterday (Saturday 9th). I messed up at the wedding. James had me as one of his groomsmen, I wore a pantsuit, my white shirt got soaked and was see through and clingy despite me putting it in the dryer and there weren't available shirts that would fit me so I just wore the jacket to the wedding and reception, not thinking it would be a big deal as the main thing exposed was the triangle of skin by my neck and collarbone, which is where a shirt would normally sit under a suit jacket.
There wasn't much cleavage unless you were taller than me (which at 5"9 in 4 inch heels isn't common) and standing right in front of me while looking down. I can honestly say I was probably among the more covered up women at the wedding as most women had short dresses and low necklines, but I realise that as one of the wedding party I was being held to a different standard and foregoing the shirt was a really bad call. James said "nice suit" when he saw me (no comment on the lack of a shirt so I assumed it was fine), I got a few compliments, but at one point the Maid of Honour came up to me and said that Jen had said I was dressed inappropriately and should have figured something out when my shirt was unusable.
I realise that I did mess up on that count so about half an hour ago I sent Jen a message pretty much just congratulating them on the wedding as I'd not spoken to her at the reception, and apologising for my faux pas.
I was not expecting her to call me or even respond any time soon, as it is the morning after the wedding, but within about 5 minutes of me sending the message she rang. We had a short conversation where she did most of the talking, and in that conversation she said that I should stop speaking to James. My wedding attire seems to be the straw that broke the camels back because she said again how inappropriate it was to dress like that around James specifically, and that she didn't like our relationship. She said if I wanted to make it up to her then the best thing I could do would be to tell James to leave me alone and stay away from her family.
She's hung up and I'm sat here wondering how things got this messed up. James is my best friend, and I can't imagine life without him, but he has a wife now, and she is the mother of his child, and she has set a boundary. I don't agree with this boundary in any sense, but it's what she wants.
I could ignore it, pretend it never happened, and carry on as normal, but that will only make things worse for James' marriage. I could do what she says but then I lose my best friend and James loses his sponsor. It was a voice call and I didn't record it so I have no proof it even happened, and I can't mess things up for James so early in his marriage, especially when he has a young son to think about and literally got married yesterday.
I have no clue what to do here: should I do what Jen says and stop speaking to James or should I ignore Jen to maintain my relationship with my best friend?
TL;DR: Best friend got married yesterday, today his new wife is telling me to end our friendship. Should I do what she says and stop speaking to my best friend or try and maintain the friendship?
Edit: I did try and befriend Jen. We got coffee a few times early on in the relationship and I took her shopping for maternity/baby stuff when she was pregnant and James couldn't make it due to work, and I've tried to get to know her, but she never really seemed that interested. The first time we went for coffee she asked questions about our relationship, wanting to know if it was ever not platonic, and I gave her honest answers that we'd never had a romantic relationship, and she kept pressing like she didn't believe me but my answer never changed. After that she wasn't really interested in spending time with me. I can honestly say I made an effort on my end but I didn't feel like she made an effort on hers. We had to meet at James' flat because she wasn't comfortable with us meeting outside of it, but when I'd get there she'd busy herself in the next room and keep calling into the room we were in while we talked, which is what I meant by "injecting herself" into conversations. During this time James and I would be with the baby, so it's not like we were just sitting on our arses while she changed nappies. Also the inside jokes and stuff like that were things James told me he'd explained to her, I wouldn't intentionally make jokes that she didn't get. I remember one time I said that I'd run into our lecturer from uni and they'd asked about James and Jen said that she wanted us to change the subject because she'd never met the lecturer. I admit I've probably not made as much effort on my end in the last year or so as I did at the start, but it was because I felt like she just really didn't like me.
Submitted November 10, 2019 at 03:10AM by aita01093 https://ift.tt/2K7qlu6
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