How would resolve a fight with my (50sF) father (90M) about who gets to be buried next to my dead mother and sister?

Hi Reddit, I am writing this on behalf of my mother.

I was born in Vietnam and I’m the middle of 3 children. My father was a General in the Vietnamese army and my mother stayed home and took care of me and my sisters. My sisters and I only saw my father a few times a year, and because of this, we never had a relationship with him. My father would often stay at his mistress’s house when visiting, but my mother never said anything about it as it wasn’t in our culture to confront men about cheating. His mistress had children and she made them call my father “Dad” (they were not his children). She would also ask that we call her Mom, though we never did and were hit by our father for it.

During the Vietnam War my family fled to America, including my father against his mistress’s wishes. We didn’t speak any English so it was hard for my parents to find jobs. My father would refuse welfare and help from the government because of his pride from his high position in the army. My sisters and I attended public school where we learned English. By the time we were in high school, we had learned enough English to get part time jobs. 3/4 of our paychecks would go to our father who didn’t work. My sisters and I barely had enough money to eat lunch at school. My mother got a job sewing at a local fabric store which helped.

When I was 20 and in my second year of college, my younger sister lost her battle with cancer. It was heartbreaking for all of us, especially for my mother who would call my younger sister her “shadow.” My older sister and I graduated and found jobs to help my family with the medical debt. Around this time my father started seeing another woman. My mother, again, knew about it but did not say anything.

When I was 29 my mother passed. We had her buried next to my younger sister. At this time my father bought 3 more plots next to them for when our time would come (me, my older sister, and my father). After the funeral we lost contact with my father for 20 years. Eventually, we found out he had married the other woman and met our step siblings at a family member’s wedding. My father and I got to catching up and he ended up telling my sister and I that he sold one of the plots so that only he and his new wife would be buried there. I was fuming. I told him “Over our dead bodies are you and your next wife being buried next to our mother and sister.” My father argued that it was his plots, that he could do anything he wanted with them, and that we haven’t been a family in decades so why would we care? My sister brought up that he cheated on our mother with our stepmother, and that she would never be a mother to us just like he was never a father. My father threatened her for being disrespectful and that was the last we heard of him at the wedding.

Over the next few years my sister and I fought tooth and nail with my father about who deserved the plots next to our mother and sister. But my father would not budge. He says he is doing it out of love for his deceased wife, as being buried next to the love of his life is what every man dreams of (his words). Our stepmother is indifferent about it, as long she is buried next to our father.

Knowing our background, is there any way to compromise or is there is something we can do to convince our father of how bad we think this is?

TLDR: My father, whom we have no relationship with and who had cheated on my mother with our stepmother, refuses to budge on him and his other wife being buried next to our dead mother and sister. Anything we can do to compromise or fix this?

Submitted August 23, 2019 at 10:02AM by vietnamesethrowaway https://ift.tt/2U0sBXv